Recap: Connection

Hello again. Well, since I started this blog; I have been using it as a way to expand my reach into territories I wouldn’t otherwise cover.  Given how many other mecha series I’ve done, this has been on the chopping block for a while. For this entry, I decided to venture into the realm of something that is one of Adult Swim’s more notable failures in anime. Not every series can be Cowboy Bebop, The Big O or FLCL, but while some anime broadcast there do have cult audiences such as One Piece (working on starting up again, Tokyo Ghoul replacing it doesn’t do anything for me) and IGPX (which I’m not a fan of, but at least it tried something people might like), today’s subject is a show that the network seems openly ashamed of; network decay and in-house productions such as Mr. Pickles be damned. I will be addressing the first episode of Pilot Candidate, and I can easily find all I need from this episode. It’s time for an autopsy: let’s open up “Connection” like a surgeon and see how that title does not even make one connection, least of all with me as a viewer.

The opening music is a cacophony of some of the dullest orchestral music I’ve ever heard. I don’t expect every anime opening to be like “Cruel Angel’s Thesis,” but I think that anyone who’s disappointed with Marvel’s music can check this out. I can at least tell the soundtracks apart there. Here, it sounds like some is trying to hit a Star Trek: The Next Generation pinball machine with a recording of “Also Sprach Zarathrusta.” That won’t be the last time I make an EVA comparison, and you’ll find out why soon.

Oy, this is going to hurt.

The show is set in the distant future, but as for the exact year; this is one anime where it’s not going to matter. As I go on in this recap, it’s clear that despite being released in the anime boom of the early to mid 2000s, it almost seems like the kind of anime the Action Delivery Force made fun on Futurama.

After some narration that ultimately has no bearing on the story, we get our first battle scene. Even by the time it was made, it’s relatively unimpressive. I’ve stated before that I’m not a big fan of conspicuous CGI in this medium; but when the CG is integrated well, it can do wonders for the visual presentation. A good example would be the anti-spirals in Gurren Lagann, my favorite anime ever. While much of the animation had been traditional up to that point, it showed how something could be done in the style of series from the 1970s and 1980s with modern production techniques. The CGI, despite my feelings towards the usage and many other fans towards the anti-spirals as villains; this works as a stylistic choice that serves the story well. It contrasts the more optimistic nature of Team Dai Gurren with the cynical nature of the villains. Here, the battle is an incoherent mess that has no clear way to tell one mech from another; and the CGI is noticeably worse than many video games from that time.

After an obvious CGI and strangely phallic spaceship is used as a transition, we are introduced to our protagonist, Zero Enna. Despite wanting to be a pilot at a young age, it’s fairly easy to tell that this character is not going to be a pilot I would want to fly with. Even though the premise could have worked, being based around young mecha pilots; and it has been done well before, this character is going to be highly insufferable among a cast who’s bland at best. I know this is the first episode, but I’m already having a similar reaction the crew of the Satellite of Love had to the lead of Deathstalker. 

Tom Servo: Is it too early to hate this guy?

Also, apparently Zero’s blood type is “EO.” So, your blood type is also that Michael Jackson Disneyland ride?

Disregarding how Zero is reprimanded by his senior for putting a lanyard on his ID, the character seems quite obnoxious. This constant mugging is making me yearn for the more subdued charm of Jake Lloyd. 

Mike Nelson: Is it OK to say this kid sucks?

After a praxis explosion, the ship is rocked and Zero runs afoul of another pilot named Hiead Gner (yes, really), even though it wasn’t his fault the ship was rocked. Remind me why I’m supposed to like this guy again?

Keep in mind that I’m describing an abridged version of events here. I’ve been sitting here for about 7 minutes with 15 minutes left to go. However, I did chuckle unintentionally at another kid named Fortran telling Zero after using his powers (it happens) to “stop randomly appearing in front of me!” That delivery is actually kind of funny.

Then, Fortran tells Gner in a Scottish accent that never shows up anywhere else in the episode “your skivvies are showing.” Oh joy. I would like to point out before I go further that this is actually the edit used when Toonami still did daytime blocks, and it was used on Adult Swim anyway. In addition to being somehow less cohesive than the original, it’s a similar flaw that I took with IGPX: it’s too immature to appeal to adults, yet too mature to appeal to children. Who exactly is the target audience for this crap anyway?

Even worse, Zero decides to gloat about the matter by laughing at Gner and making faces at him! Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! An egotistical child that wants to be a pilot, picks fights with other candidates and brags about pulling their pants down!

After pulling his pants back up, Zero asks that with his hood down if Gner thought “it was only up top.” Look, I know this is a hallway in a spaceship; but Gner didn’t know he was in his boxers until Fortran pointed it out and Zero insulted him? How does even that work? Does your skin not feel??

Before their senior comes in, Fortran comments that “this is getting too intense.” No, Evangelion 3.33 is intense. This is just dull. I’ve only made.a couple EVA references so far and I already have plenty more, since theft of ideas from that anime is just getting more blatant with each passing minute.

Speaking of blatantly stealing ideas from better sci-fi franchises, this other dildo-shaped spaceship entering the docking bay is one of many things ripped off from Star Wars in this pilot alone. Listen to this cue while looking at this image and tell me you’re not imagining the Millennium Falcon entering the Death Star. 

Seriously, it really isn’t a good sign when even Zero’s senior is already sick of his mugging and ego. This kid makes Wesley Crusher look like Jake Sisko!

Shut up Wesley!

As their entry continues, I have to wonder: How is their senior able to light his cigarette in an airtight, oxygen-filled environment? This is bordering on an Ed Wood production. 

After a docking sequence that takes way too long, the Star Wars theft continues into the fact that their space station looks like the interior of a discount Coruscant.

Even though Zero does forge a bond with Fortran, he still has a backhanded insult towards Gner! Ugh, it’s like a fusion of Ash Ketchum and Tai Kamiya without any of the qualities I like about either character. Doesn’t help that the dub casts Tai’s actor, Joshua Seth as Zero either.

Also, the dialog is borderline incomprehensible, as these are the lines that follow that sequence: The best mech in the fleet is the “Immaculate White Goddess.” Not quite as pretentious as “Deus Ex Machina,” but a close second. We also have another character who finds something as dreary as mass production fun. You’d get along well with Lloyd Aspund, kid.

Mike Nelson: It'll be fun for approximately 3.7 seconds!

The dialog somehow makes something as simple as their backstory totally confusing. Saying a bunch of made-up words and names doesn’t mean anything when I’m not given any reason to care about them.

I have also made clear that I’m not a big fan of informed attributes, especially given how it’s a sign of bad writing; but the voice acting being so awful doesn’t help me believe when the characters say they’re ecstatic, even when they sound so sedate. 

Kevin Murphy: Did somebody pump Thorazine into the house?

In addition to giving Bakugan’s CGI a run for its money, we’re halfway through this episode and the anime hasn’t even answered the most basic questions I ask as a viewer: who are you? What are you talking about? Why should I care? Is Voyager on? Honestly, when the intended pilot makes me this confused, it doesn’t really make me want to find out more. Unlike some anime where the anachronistic order is sometimes done as a stylistic choice; this was the intended first episode. There was absolutely nothing done with the episode order, largely because this didn’t air on FOX in those days. … Yes, I am still bitter about Firefly getting screwed like that.

Also, there is a contradiction in the next scene; since this first sentence I’m criticizing claims the IWG (because I don’t want to type it and I’ve already got “Zero Enna” on command-V) can only be piloted by male candidates. Christmas, this writing is so degrading it could be in the bullpen on TMZ.

This is immediately contradicted by the information showing that the ace pilot in their squad is female! …

Nappa: What is it Vegeta? Vegeta: Oh nothing, I just had an aneurysm out of sheer stupidity. Nappa: I didn’t know you were that stupid, Vegeta! (Vegeta screams)

After a scene of a discount Gendo Ikari bringing us to another element stolen from EVA, we then get introduced to the person who will get Zero ready to officially become a pilot! 

Could you slide down your shorts please? "Huh? No, he hit me here." I understand, could you slide down your shorts please?

No, it’s actually the common military cliché of getting a regulation haircut when Zero enlists. Somehow, this poor man’s Vidal Sassoon doesn’t have the same appeal as R. Lee Ermey would here. 

Can you suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

Despite Zero’s complaints about his haircut, it looks like they barely trimmed his bangs! He doesn’t look that different, could the animators not afford a buzz cut?

With only a few minutes left in the episode, Zero is confirmed as pilot for the IWG! Huh, it took me days to download my Firefly episodes.

Given how the commander acts toward Zero, it seems like they’re trying even harder to piggyback on EVA by making this woman a discount Misato, and failing miserably. 

The moments that closeout this episode really double down on the EVA plagiarism. If there was any more, there probably would have been a lawsuit from Anno and Gainax. It doesn’t even have the writing or animation to match the feats of that series and just makes this anime’s incoherence and ineptitude even more apparent. Even Zero finally admits “I have no idea what’s happening!” You and me both, Zero.

So, the first episode ends saying that “connection has completed.” The same cannot be said for the anime or the audience. That’s 20 minutes of my life I’m not getting back.

While some anime that left Adult Swim have been shown again from fan demand or because the network execs love it, this one of the few anime that has never been shown after its initial airing, and for good reason. It’s only really remembered because it’s fodder for online critics. That suits me just fine, as does this AS bumper five years after the fact: “Pilot Candidate: Never Again.” I couldn’t agree more. While there have been anime that I haven’t wanted to continue after my threshold of 3-5 episodes, this is one of the few that is so awful that I simply have no interest in pursuing it further. I have other bad mecha anime to cover soon, I just thought I would get this out of the way first before I decide between my next recap of Code Geass R2 or my next episode of Transformers Energon. Before I do, I’m going to go detox to some Gurren Lagann. That will be all for now. See you space cowboy.