Recap: The School of Hard Knocks

Hello everyone, and Happy Pokémon Day! Due to my course load right now as well as how I didn’t realize how time-consuming doing the movies I had on my list would take; I will change things up given the circumstances. Rest assured, my looks at my next episode of Code Geass R2 and the Jirachi movie will be done later; I will just have to bump them to March. I will also have reached a decision on my 300th post after this recap and the next one. I have also been wanting to do this episode for a while. In honor of the 21st anniversary of the series, I am going to do the first episode of the series I ever saw. Let’s open up “The School of Hard Knocks” and party! 

Once again, I don’t think I need to say anything else about the Pokémon theme; i’m just going to link to it and get started on reliving this episode.

We open on Ash, Misty and Brock being on their way to Vermilion City (note: still contemplating doing a gym battle showcase this year, depending on what happens). While Ash and Misty quarrel, Brock points out they’re “running late and have to start the show.” Ha!

Not pictured is Misty clobbering Brock with a log in a scene cut from the dub, as my associate Dogasu pointed out in his look at this episode. After the title card, Brock decides to set up for a break; apparently pulling a table and various kitchenware out of his bag. Ah yes, the old reliable magic satchel! Even in those days, you’d be surprised how many Ultra Balls and Full Restores you can fit in there. As I pointed out in my look at “Pokémon I Choose You,” it’s a very common anime and video game trope.

Brock then decides he will make some crepes, leading to Misty having a romantic French fantasy. Episode unintentionally predicts Kalos!

However, when Ash loudly eats some kind of snack; Misty hits HIM with a log for “ruining her romantic daydream!” So, hitting Brock with a log is bad, but Ash is no problem. Consistency? What’s that?

Ash then grudgingly decides to go get firewood; but he and Pikachu then come across a strange group of people in matching uniforms. If these guys offer me any Kool-Aid, I’m not going to drink it.

One of the kids, whose name is Joe by the way; is being antagonized by these guys before Ash sticks up for him. The way they present themselves: it’s like one of those scummy pickup artists who don’t know what the Hell they’re talking about.

Misty also joins in to help Joe, but the other kids claim that “fighting is for cavemen.” I guess no one told the current administration.

As the other kids leave, they say the only thing they’re “afraid of is how bad they’d beat a little punk like you.” Please, these preps look like the henchmen of the man Scott Pilgrim kicked so hard he saw the curvature of the Earth.

Brock, who is just casually whisking the ingredients for their crepes, says that they’re the students of Pokémon Tech; a school which is designed to get its graduates into the Pokémon League without having to travel the land collecting badges. So, it’s kind of like a precursor to the one in Alola; and I will address the manner further when I talk about the Sun and Moon series later this year (I’m still waiting for the dub to officially start airing on Disney XD, the preview on their website doesn’t count).

I also rather like how Pikachu is fiddling with the treadmill while they’re all talking, like one of those music videos I saw when I first got on YouTube. 

As the fog clears; it turns out the whole thing was a training simulation that’s part of their curriculum. Joe laments that tomorrow’s class will be on snow battles; so they’ll “make him into a snowman again.” Least you don’t have to do the Danger Room at the Xavier Academy. 

Apparently, the school has a very tough class structure; to the point where no one wants to leave without graduating, as shown by this upperclassman with gray hair; stubble and glasses that look like the kind Professor E. Gad wears in some of the Mario games.

Wow, Melvin really let himself go after Sailor Moon ended, didn't he?

Worse than that, there’s also a setup of systemized hazing and bullying; with a young woman named Giselle at the center of it all! While Ash initially considers it a “violation of students’ rights”, he and Brock become enamored with her when they see her photograph. Brock even says “she can violate his rights!” Ew.

Misty is less than pleased at this, declaring that she’s “gonna find this little witch and straighten her out!” I think I know what she meant, but 4Kids wouldn’t let her say it.

It’s also revealed that Jessie and James were a couple Pokémon Tech washouts who got the school’s lowest scores ever on the entrance exam! This is one of the key pieces of their backstory; and I do plan on addressing some more of Chronicles later this year to follow up on my look at “The Legend of Thunder” last year. 

Also, Meowth’s Humphrey Bogart impression while he declares his friends “the top of the bottom” is just precious! You see, Yo-Kai Watch? THIS is how you make a reference for the parents that might be watching with their kids.

The battle simulator being modeled after the one in Pokémon Red and Blue is also a nice touch; since the games were new at the time of the respective Japanese and American air dates.

While Joe is good on the simulator, Misty challenges him to a battle; saying “a simulation is one thing, but this is real life!” Words to live by, Misty. 

Her Starmie reams Joe’s Weepinbell with a single stroke despite a type disadvantage; which Giselle attributes to its level being much higher when she enters. I know the feeling. There are many times where my Greninja in Y, Rash can ream the low-level Burmy  near Santalune City like nothing.

While Brock is of course attracted to Giselle; Ash displays one of the few; if only times he was interested in someone openly as more than just a friend. That pretty much goes away after this episode, and it’s not hard to see why.

Giselle then describes herself as she laments that others don’t have her “beauty, talent or humble attitude.” You may want to rethink that last one, Giselle. 

Still, the way the anime sets her up as one of those pretentious overachievers is very “fetch,” ending her introduction on the phrase, “people call me a star, but I’m just Giselle!”

She then uses a Graveler against Misty’s Starmie in an attempt to one-up the Cerulean Gym Leader! She’s trained it so much that it cracks Starmie’s gem and sends it crashing out the window and into the pool! Huh. Never really noticed how much the anime nerfed her Starmie before. Might be why my head canon version of Misty has her ace be a Gyarados instead. 

I also note that this is the only episode in 20 years of anime canon that has acknowledged evolutionary levels before or sense. Giselle suggests that Ash’s Pikachu is at Level 25; but I’m not entirely sure. Based on what I’ve seen, I’m going to assume that the level system works differently in the show. Also, seeing as this is an anime based on a video game, I would presume that it doesn’t have to make sense. Mario gets big from eating mushrooms but dies when he gets hit with a turtle shell, after all. 

Giselle then continues listing off all these stats about battle techniques and trainers’ abilities; but her delivery comes off less like someone in the competitive circuit and more like someone who’s looking for names to add to her “burn book."

Ash quickly gets tired of Giselle’s ranting; and decides to engage her in battle! 

Giselle counters with a Cubone, but Ash is undeterred despite a type disadvantage.

What follows is basically a summary of his battle style: even fairly early on; he’s willing to take chances and keep on fighting even when the odds are against him.

Pikachu then leaps off Cubone’s head when he tries to use a Bone-merang, then flips the skull mask around! 

After a flurry of physical attacks, Cubone flips its mask back around just in time to get hit with its own attack! As Giselle recalls Cubone, here is the newest Pokédex entry as of Moon: “The skull it wears on its head is that of its dead mother. According to some, it will evolve when it comes to terms with the pain of her death.” Pretty morbid for an E-rated game, isn’t it? 

Giselle is genuinely surprised that Pikachu won without using an electric attack. While the other characters insinuate it’s a fluke (albeit a “cool fluke” by Joe’s admission), I submit it’s another piece of Ash’s battle style: he is well-known to this day for taking risks and surprising his opponents, type and power be damned.

Jessie and James then break into the pool, and Meowth reappears after being knocked away in an earlier scene I forgot to mention. Giselle, not intimidated; discovers their record-low entrance exam scores and decides to engage them with the other students. While the animation has admittedly-aged, it still stood out at me when I was watching this on a UPN affiliate on an old TV in California.

In a flurry of Poké Balls, Team Rocket is sent packing in a fashion similar to Wile E. Coyote. They did come close to winning in one of the Sun and Moon episodes I saw recently were it not for “Bewear ex machina” before they struck the final blow.

So, we close on Joe and Giselle deciding to continue their studies outside the school; and Ash, Brock and Misty set off toward Vermilion City once again. Good episode for the festivities today.

“The School of Hard Knocks” is a good episode for me to start off my Pokémon fandom. While many people at the time were under the impression this whole thing was a fad in those days; given how Pokémon Sun and Moon have sold over 14 million copies as of this writing and Pokémon Go is picking up again with the integration of the Johto monsters, I can definitely say those impressions were unfounded in hindsight. I can also say that in addition to some other episodes and movies I have on the table for this year; I will continue to cover stuff here for a while even if some guy who makes bizarre rants on Twitter doesn’t like it. The Jirachi movie will be covered in March, and I will be starting up my Pokémon movie marathon again with that to get ready for the “I Choose You” movie soon. I am also very eager at the prospect of more content being made for the Nintendo Switch (on track to launch this Friday), and the powers that be are interested in making use of the technology of that console (I didn’t get a preorder, so I’ll just be picking up Zelda: Breath of the Wild on my Wii U and look into it for Christmas or my 26th birthday). Next time will be my next oft-delayed recap of Code Geass R2, then my 300th post! Have a happy Pokémon day everyone! See you space cowboy! 

Recap: Yu-Gi-Oh- The Movie

“Effectively a strategy guide and commercial in vaguely filmic form.”-Tasha Robinson, AV Club

“Like the gods, the trading cards are capricious, with ever changing rules and strategies so intricate that only Yu-Gi-Oh-logists will fully enjoy this adventure.”- Andrea Gronvall, Chicago Reader

“Looks like “Transformers On Speed: The Autobots Take Japan.””- Mark Collete, Tyler Morning Telegraph, Texas

“It’s a painful, ponderous experience that’s not helped by being weighed down by lengthy explanations of the esoteric dueling rules.”- Jamie Russell, BBC.com

“The latest kiddie con job to float over from Tokyo.”-Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel, 1/5

“Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie, a hyper ventilating feature-length advertisement for Japanese trading cards would be hilarious if it weren’t so dreadfully cynical.”- Megan Lehmann, New York Post, 0/4

“From the endless product placement to its attempt to reel in viewers with free trading cards at the door, it all adds up to a 90-minute commercial.”-John Monaghan, Detroit Free Press, 1/4

“Yu-Gi-Oh is so flat as to make the card game on which it was based seem positively three-dimensional.”-Louise Kennedy, Boston Globe, 1/4

“Adults: if your child forces you to go to Yu-Gi-Oh, remember there’s no law against iPods in movie theaters.”-Lily Burk, LA Weekly

“Don’t watch the TV show or play the card game? Then this movie is not for you.”-Rotten Tomatoes, 5%

Well, I knew it was only a matter of time before I addressed this movie. I’ve been meaning to do this one for a long time. When “Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie” was released in August 2004; it was quickly regarded as one of the worst summer movies of all time, and ended up being a dud at the box office as well, debuting at #4 on its opening weekend and quickly petering out to home video and DVD. Even was I was 12, I didn’t enjoy the movie’s prospect; to the point where even films like Alien VS Predator (not exactly great cinema itself) were more appealing to me. That time frame may have had lots of movies I enjoyed that summer (such as Spider-Man 2 and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban), but this wasn’t one of them. I’ve already taken out one of the movies I’ve been meaning to, might as well do this one since I’m on a roll. Let’s open up “Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie!"

Before I get into the meat of things, apparently this is the first and only film 4Kids had a hand in dubbing that was rated PG by the MPAA in theaters. As opposed to the Pokémon films (not counting Mewtwo Returns or the Darkrai movie), this film is rated PG for “scary combat and monster images.” Still, I would suggest “scary” was probably a marketing term for the combat given how many horror films I had seen when I was 12. Monster images it has. Let that be an indicator how this isn’t a good movie, but it will provide a lot of material in just under 90 minutes.

Want proof? The very first scene is a retelling of the backstory of the series, ending on the line “even eternity doesn’t last forever.” (laughs) How the Hell do you direct someone to deliver that line without cracking up? I can barely type that without trying to hold back my laughter! As I mentioned before, I’ve written glorified fan fiction when I was 12 that I at least admit is hokey in hindsight! 

As Yugi solves the Millennium Puzzle, apparently a bunch of archeologists uncover Anubis’ remains and get killed. It’s hard for me to get invested in a bunch of archeologists I don’t really know about. It’s the same reason why I don’t feel too bad about numerous redshirts dying on Star Trek, but the stakes are much higher when it’s a major character. 

As the dig site caves in on the archeologists, suddenly monsters appear in Yugi’s bedroom; yet the first one to attack him is Kuriboh! Please, that little thing is basically a meat shield and alias for an associate of mine from England who makes parody fandubs! Now Black Luster Soldier: THAT would be cause for concern. 

At that moment, the spirit of the pharaoh awakens from the puzzle and Yugi defeats the monsters with relative ease. Like I said, corny as the fan fiction I wrote when I was 12. 

Roughly six minutes in, we get the title; and I can at least admit it looks decent. Still, it’s going to get crazier from here; folks.

Apparently, it’s only been 3 years since Yugi became the new Duel Monsters champion, thanks to narration from my good friend; Mike Pollock. Naturally, that’s why subsequent series have been big examples of the fleeting demographic rule; and I can only imagine what will happen in the next series they have planned (Note: I have no current formal opinion on what they just unveiled about it, I might have more later.).

Also, a bunch of other duelists (including side characters) want to beat Yugi for no adequately-explored reasons. Shame really, least the show itself had some justification for the card games as conflict resolution and the duelists.

We then cut to a rematch between Yugi and Kaiba; and I find Kaiba’s dismissal of Yugi as a “pompous windbag” odd given how he helped him often in Battle City (which the film takes place after) as well as his own ego and obsession with dragons. Still, least he’s a bit more noble than he is in the manga (where he tried to kill him numerous times and outright says he’s disgusted by his friendship. I’m not making that up at all.)

Fed up with his scientists’ failures, Kaiba once again decides to take matters into his own hands and find another way of beating the god cards. I do find it kind of funny how while Eric Stuart’s performance was relatively standard in the TV series, he seems to be reading all of Seto’s lines like a prima donna celebrity here (also glad they got him back for Dark Side of Dimensions even with him being semi-retired from anime voice acting to focus on his music career instead).

At about 10 minutes in, we cut to the castle of Maximillion Pegasus in the midst of some nightmare. Probably the same one Kahn had when his company went bankrupt.

As Pegasus comes to, he says to himself “No more white wine spritzers before bed.” This from the same company that turned his red wine into juice the actual show. Also, there is another white substance that may have been used in the dubbing process that’s making me use this clip again. 

Cocaine is a Hell of a drug.

The next day, Solomon Moto is reading the newspaper and sees an article about the artifacts they were able to uncover before the archeologists died in the intro. The photograph of some of them is also credited to Norman Grossfeld. (sighs) Really? Granted, the self-worship isn’t as bad as it was in “A Double Dilemma,” but still just bugs me.

Also, this overhead shot of the town has some perspective issues; looks a lot smaller than it should, and a bit off-model for a movie which has a supposedly larger budget than the show, but often looks dodgier than it does animation-wise at points.

Then, get a load of this: Kaiba apparently has a Blue-Eyes White Dragon Jet in his arsenal! This is a more flagrant case of conspicuous consumption of company money than Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark put together! Seto, Kanye West called; he thinks your ego is making him uncomfortable!

He then flies off to his image song, “You’re Not Me.” This whole sequence doesn’t scream 2004 so much as double-team you with a Magnum in one hand and a Needler in the other. Just listen to it and tell me you don’t imagine a flashback to the “Dubya” era. 

Kaiba arrives at Pegasus’ island, and this time he is drinking more red wine! Going for the old hair of the dog approach, eh Pegasus? 

After asking for a card that can beat the Egyptian gods, we cut to the school where Yugi and his friends are about to go to the exhibit at the museum.

However, the duelists from earlier now want to fight Yugi! Jeez guys, can it wait? Haven’t seen someone get this much heat outside a wrestling ring!

While Yugi and Téa try to slip away, Joey and Tristan try to distract the stragglers! This can only end well! 

As Yugi and Téa head to the museum, Joey and Tristan try to tag team two of the duelists! Of course, always a logical solution.

Despite the fact that the cards are merely interactive holographs, the monster Joey’s opponent summons somehow is able to inject its syringe (which 4Kids didn’t edit like in the anime proper) into Joey’s rear. … I can’t even touch this scene. If you were watching this movie and saw a nurse ramming a shot into this guy’s ass, what would you say?

However, more of the hangers-on spot Yugi and Téa and don’t even finish the duel; even trampling Joey and Tristan as they to follow them! Oy. Hope the Nintendo Switch launch isn’t this much of a madhouse (both waves of preorders have sold out in my area, don’t know when more will come in). 

As Yugi and Téa hide in the museum, somehow eluding their stalkers; we cut back to Pegasus’ castle, as he and Kaiba are about to duel for the card that can beat the Egyptian gods; with Kaiba staking all three of his Blue-Eyes White Dragons if he loses. Fun fact: in the manga, he ended up acquiring them through less than honorable means, which included dealing with the mob; using his money to bankrupt other collectors, and even making one of the other owners suicidal. I am not making that up at all. Understandably, as I’ve pointed out before, the anime softened those aspects of Seto’s personality; making him more of an anti-hero and reluctant ally to Yugi and his friends than an outright antagonist. Not that the fans mind, at any rate.

Pegasus leads, and tells Kaiba that he’s “about to enter a world of pain.” An adequate way of describing this movie, and also one of my favorite Walter Sobchak lines as well.

This is Duel Monsters, there are rules.

It seems Pegasus has pulled Toon World on his first draw. This was a lot better in the actual show. I honestly feel that rewatching the anime for the umpteenth time on Netflix would be more entertaining, but I’ve been meaning to take this down for a while, so let’s go. 

Kaiba is unimpressed by this, and Pegasus follows up with Toon Gemini Elf! Huh. Well, I knew it would come to this. If I’m going to keep watching this movie, might as well take advantage of one of my town’s few silver linings in that batshit insane election year we had. 

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things!

As the duel continues, I must point out that it seems that the cards are not only unaltered, but even faithfully translated! As I pointed out my recap of “The Heart of the Cards,” standards and practices usually meant they had to be changed for the anime proper. Just something I thought I’d point out, since we’re only a quarter of the way in and I want to keep from reaching total ennui for now.

Pegasus’ next monster is the Toon Dark Magician Girl. Even with the fandom’s view of the regular kind; this design is a but too lolicon for my tastes, so I’m just going to move on.

As the Gemini Elves attack Kaiba, Pegasus remarks that “cartoons are so violent these days!” (laughs) That’s actually kind of funny. I can just imagine Eric Stuart in a recording studio having to do 50 takes of that line. 

They also have an added effect being able to take a card from Kaiba’s hand, and they take his Monster Reborn card! Pretty lucky, given how he doesn’t have the Millennium Eye anymore by his own admission (though he did invent the game, so he'd probably understand how it works).

After sacrificing his Toon Gemini Elves, Pegasus then summons Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon! What am I doing with my life that I just typed that sentence?

Pegasus then follows up with Toon Summoned Skull! Only 24 minutes in, and this movie is already feeling like an overlong episode than anything else.

Through a series of plays, Kaiba is able to summon XYZ Dragon Cannon! Not exactly Buckbeak, is it? 

Kaiba is then able to destroy Toon World with one swift stroke and get the cards he needs! Well, that was convenient.

Back at the museum, Yugi and Téa meet with Yugi’s grandfather and take a look at some of the items on display, such as the tomb of Anubis and the Pyramid of Light. We’re barely a third of the way through this thing, aren’t we?

Then, all of a sudden, Anubis’ remains disappear! This mostly dull Yu-Gi-Oh movie suddenly turns into an episode of Scooby-Doo just shy of the half-hour mark. Oh dear, what have I gotten myself into?

Mokuba arrives at the museum, and says that his brother is looking for Yugi. Much like Seto, Mokuba’s more malicious traits from the manga were removed from the anime; just thought I’d bring that up to keep my mind limber. Watching this movie, you do what you can to survive.

Yugi is then taken by limousine to see Kaiba, with the rest of his friends following behind. All things considered, the movie has been at least serviceable so far, but trust me when I say things REALLY go downhill in the next two acts.

After conferring with the spectral essence of the pharaoh, Yugi agrees to face off against Kaiba yet again! 

Kaiba then seals all the exits in the arena! Is this really necessary? Yugi doesn’t seem like the kind of person that would back away from a challenge, egomaniacal opponents be damned. Nor do I: I don’t write for Polygon, I don’t assume the worst just because I don’t have a few details at the moment.

Even when Yugi tries to convince him not to go through with his vague plan, Kaiba refuses and continues with his showboating! (laughs) It’s amazing how little The Abridged Movie had to change about this to make it funnier (though I’m still keeping the Little Kuriboh jokes to a minimum the best I can).

Seriously, Kaiba is so eager to reclaim his title that he says that Yugi will be “exposed to the world as a fraud!” Sounds like the wet dream of most of the journalists in the country right now.

After a couple turns, Yugi is able to summon Slifer the Sky Dragon. Not much longer till the halfway point, Steven, you can do this.

Kaiba then uses an Obligatory Summon spell to force Obelisk the Tormentor and the Winged Dragon of Ra to be summoned as well; solely so he can be the first to take them down after using the Pyramid of Light trap card! 

Yet, Yugi seems surprised that the Pyramid of Light is a card as well as an artifact! (laughs) I may be crazy, but I’m not crazy enough to make this stuff up.

Not only does Yugi’s inner self get sucked into the pyramid, but so do Joey and Tristan on the Balcony! 

Just as Téa and Solomon arrive at the Battle Dome, suddenly Yugi, Joey and Tristan are trapped in some bizarre tomb! Even as the Pharaoh asks Kaiba what he's just done, I honestly don't know what just happened.

Yugi rationalizes he's somehow inside the Millennium Puzzle, and just has to find the soul room of the pharaoh! Sounds simple enough, but given how Joey and Tristan are inside as well as the sheer number of rooms, it's easier said than done.

Now we finally arrive at the middle of the film. 

Yugi then rationalizes that as he loses his life points, he loses his actual life force? Are you taunting the audience or just making shit up, movie? At this point, it’s probably both.

In attempt to find the pharaoh, Yugi stumbles upon a tomb of mummies! Certainly hope the reboot of that is good, didn’t really care for the Brendan Fraser ones (too much like a lightweight Indiana Jones for my taste). 

As for Mokuba’s explanation of the Pyramid of Light’s effects: It could more or less be Dwight K. Schrute rambling and it would make just as much sense to me.

Through a series of further turns, Kaiba is able to summon all three of his Blue-Eyes White Dragons and combine them into Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon! Just over 50 minutes into this turkey, and I can move on to my next few projects.

Upon seeing the Millennium Puzzle clash with the Pyramid of Light, Joey asks “what’s going on?” I wonder the same thing, Joey.

As Yugi summons the Sorcerer of Darkness, I honestly have no idea who decided it was a good idea to focus the movie on the duels at the expense of the story and characters; but it was a mistake. I don’t plan on covering Bonds Beyond Time or Dark Side of the Dimensions on this blog, but I gather they were improvements in that regard.

Kaiba then revives his Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon in order to summon a new monster: The Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon! Free with every admission ticket, folks! 

Yugi, Joey and Tristan then hightail it back to Anubis’ tomb; and try to stop him from being revived! Only a half-hour left, then I can decide what I want to do next. I will also have reached a decision on my 300th post after my next couple recaps as well.

Of course, Anubis wants to reawaken solely to bring death and destruction upon the world and little else. … You know, when I compiled my top 13 anime villains; I ultimately decided to include most of my choices based on a mixture of status, malice and complexity; thus why I chose Dartz to represent Yu-Gi-Oh on the list. Hell, even Kaiba and Pegasus had some sympathetic qualities, all the actions they took be damned.

Téa then somehow projects herself towards Yugi, Joey and Tristan and reminds of their friendship symbol. Lazy reference to the pilot is lazy.

Honestly, this duel just drags on and on; and the awakening of Anubis does little to change that. As for how there’s 20 minutes or so left in the movie: I already compared the villain of the first Yo-Kai Watch movie to the live-action Megatron; so let’s finish this thing already.

As I pointed out before, Anubis is little more than another generic doomsday villain; which is a shame given how this series usually has enemies that are pretty memorable. 

Hey Anubis, Broly called, he thinks you're full of crap.

So, with less than 20 minutes remaining, Yugi and Anubis finally face off. I could honestly care less at this point, and I just came off a movie where I felt my apathy peak by the finale, so I might as well make the most of it. 

Yugi throws a dagger at the eye of the Pyramid of Light, hoping that “fate is with us!” It is not, the dagger bounces off the eye. 

So, Yugi is somehow able to revive the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon and defeat Anubis! Huh, that was more anticlimactic than the last movie I did.

Also, (laughs) points taken off for smiling as your pyramid crumbles, Anubis. That is easily my favorite thing about this movie. 

Yet, even after he’s more or less obliterated by that last attack, he turns into a pile of black sludge that’s still out for Yugi’s blood! I haven’t seen a villain this persistent since the Black Knight!

As if this finale couldn’t drag any further, Yugi uses the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon to destroy Anubis’ final form! Fuck, this movie has more endings than Return of the King!

With Mokuba dressing Seto’s wounds in the ruins of the Battle Dome, we close on Yugi and his friends reflecting on their friendship and all that jazz. Just as well, time to finally wrap this up.

“Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie” is definitely not something I would recommend; as its reputation as a bad movie precedes it in many ways as well as being a lackluster adaptation of what’s actually a good show on its own. The story and animation are pure DTV dreck, so I’m even more baffled that it got a theatrical release in the US in hindsight. However, given how many times I cracked up while writing this recap; it does make a fairly decent comedy under the right circumstances, much like the Abridged Movie can attest. You could re-edit this movie into a Yu-Gi-Oh spoof and you actually wouldn’t have to change all that much; so the potential to parody this film is ripe for the picking. 

As for what I want to do next: I have a couple options on the table that I want to do before the month is out, I will just have to sleep on what I will follow this up with, then do the other before my 300th post. That will be all for now. Bang. 

Recap: Yo-Kai Watch The Movie: King Enma and the Five Stories

Hello again. Well, with my threshold for Yo-Kai Watch 2: Bony Spirits and Fleshy Souls breaking 100,000 copies sold in the US now being met; it’s finally time for me to address the second movie as well as some other points I’ve been meaning to for some time.  As of December 24 of last year, the two games have sold a combined 150,000 copies in the US, significantly less than they’ve sold in Japan. As it stands, Pokémon Sun and Moon have sold over 12 million units worldwide as of this writing; with some reports claiming sales as high as 13 million. I don’t know how much more they’ll sell before the 3DS (and to a greater extent, the Wii U) make way for the Switch; but they look to be quite profitable in 2017.

Still, this does raise many questions not just about how the series will do in the coming years; but how Hino and Level-5 plan to proceed from this. While Hino expected the series would “bloom like a flower” here when he spoke at E3 in 2016 as well as express interest in getting content in the US at the same time or before Japan, that sort of talk from everyone else has been highly conspicuous by its absence. So far, the only thing that’s come out of that is an IDW comic book (which will not be addressed here) and the idea of localizing the third version of Yo-Kai Watch 2 (known in Japan as “Shunichi,” roughly translated as “Star performer”). Nothing on more anime being dubbed (Disney XD has burned through about 32 of their 50 episodes ordered for the second season so far), nothing on localizing the third game or more toys, nothing much of anything since that point.

Even disregarding some unnamed trolls, however; my overall disappointment with the series hasn’t really changed since I started writing about the series in 2015. I am still contemplating picking up a used copy of one of the sequels in the near future (probably Fleshy Souls, depending on what happens); but my displeasure with the anime will continue to provide content for a while, snide commenters be damned.

Some people like on Tumblr like Rupert Murdoch claim that it’s not a AAA game. Fine, I’ll accept that, but what if I want it to be like Zelda; or Sonic the Hedgehog or Earthbound (despite the comparisons made between the two, from a pure gameplay and story perspective, I don’t think the argument works.)?

Same deal with the anime: people claim I don’t like it because it’s not like Attack on Titan and that Bakugan is worse. I can understand that claim, but what if I want the anime to be like My Neighbor Totoro? Or One Piece? Or Nichijou: My Ordinary Life? Those comparisons never seem to come up.

However, the one constant; and one of the main reasons I decided to get this movie out of the way first this month is the rivalry with Pokémon, which hasn’t really died down despite some of the fans’ attempts to build bridges between the two series. Even with the tweaks made to the anime and games since the inception of Generation VII, I don’t think Yo-Kai Watch had as much influence on the choices made for Sun and Moon for reasons I’ll get into later in this recap. 

Another big reason is the fact that the film outgrossed the Japanese release of Star Wars: Episode VII-The Force Awakens, a film I absolutely love. As I put this Kylo Ren .gif here, it’s finally time for me to vent about this film. Let’s open up “Yo-Kai Watch The Movie: King Enma and the Five Stories!” 

As the title implies, this is an anthology film; so I’m going to look at all the five stories and discussing them in detail. That is your only warning about what I’m about to say, so let’s get started. 

Once again, the movie opens with Jibanyan getting hit by a truck. Honestly? I already addressed what I think about this kind of opening in my recap of the last movie, so let’s keep going.

As he flies off past the characters that will be involved in this anthology film, I will once again admit that the animation is actually quite nice; though as I’m about to tell you, the story still needs a lot of work.

Proving that is one of the mascots, Whisper; will apparently be the framing device for the film while doing his best cosplay/impression of Smith from The Matrix films. A baleful polymorph will be framing this anthology? Well, that just makes me want to watch my DVD of Heavy Metal. 

He introduces the first segment with a protagonist who is the polar opposite of Keita; and as I will explain, is actually more interesting as a result. Still, it does have its flaws; so let’s get going. 

The segment opens with Keita casually saying that he’s going to die, which Whisper warns him about. You know, I just got through writing a recap of an anime that actually treated this subject with dignity; and that’s going to be a major problem I have with this movie. In addition to how it approaches this subject matter; it’s always been a big issue I take with Yo-Kai Watch: usually, shows for younger children like Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood are quite good at getting on the same wavelength as a child and speaking to them as such. This does not, it talks down to them quite extensively; as if they had never seen an anime before.

He even claims that yokai have it easy. I can already see where this is headed. There is potential for a good story here; but once again, the movie doesn’t really take advantage of the scenario being set up here and just keeps going with the same bullshit as the last one.

Then, when a truck almost dumps a load of supplies on a kid in black clothes, Keita pushes him out of the way while he was listening to his MP3 Player! Probably loaded with Linkin Park or some shit like that. 

However, the kid summons a shady type yokai known as Demon Okure! Despite his menacing appearance, he doesn’t really do anything all that interesting.

Want proof? Even though he’s this movie’s representation of Death; all he does is just open a manhole cover so Keita dies by falling into an open sewer! 

Keita got caught. Who fights next?

He even starts ascending into the realm of the dead; which is another genuinely cool concept that this movie doesn’t really take advantage of.

So, Keita is led to the city office’s Department of Yokai Registration by some office worker with a bullhorn in his hands. What? He doesn’t even get a handbook for the recently-deceased? Sure, it reads like a stereo manual, but still!

Yet, even though the movie VERY plainly spells it out to Keita, he still doesn’t get what’s going on. I might as well use that Red Forman clip again for him. 

The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

In line before Keita appears to be some sort of captain ersatz of Michael Jackson. That’s ignorant! 

The next step is to give someone a new name and a new form; as well as a medal to bestow on someone. Because Keita is so apathetic about the matter, he becomes a blue pile of MUTO jizz with the number 2 for a leg called “Fuu-2.” That’s lame. Even considering my knowledge of yokai is rudimentary at best, if that ever happened to me; here is my form: a humanoid demon with red skin, hair of a lion, bat wings, a leather trenchcoat; worn-out jeans, a rock and roll shirt and a flashy pair of running shoes like the ones I just got. I call him: “Selputura.”

I also note that I once again find the idea of the celestial bureaucracy an interesting concept, but I feel the anime could also do more with it than it does. You could have the yokai with the megaphone be an insurance adjuster who denied people coverage when they needed it and died in a car wreck, or the clerk handling yokai registration be the author of a political website who got 86-ed by one of his crazy readers! Were you expecting me to type those? I don’t think so, but you wouldn’t expect half the crap in this movie either, so there you go. 

Even his ability is lame: all it does is just make people unremarkable. No telepathy,  no pyrokinesis, no astral plane; no nothing! All he does is continue the same bumbling while looking like a Wynaut’s sloppy seconds! 

Before he goes, he even gets the Yo-Kai Watch U in case he needs it; or rather, in case someone seeing the movie wants the toy they’re selling.

Yo-Kai Watch U only $39.95! Medals sold separately, batteries not inlcuded!

Roughly 7 minutes in, the title of the first segment is “Keita becomes a Yokai.” I honestly don’t care anymore. What I just saw felt like playing PaRappa the Rapper on cheap allergy medicine, and I am well aware this is just the beginning.

The true protagonist of this segment is Kouta Yuuto, who is normally an exceptional student; and has received an average but passing grade on his test. He’s even more accepting of the idea of Yokai existing in their ‘verse. He is also Keita’s polar opposite in characterization, and as a result, I find him more interesting.

He also expresses interest in becoming a mangaka, but doesn’t believe his parents will accept the idea. Honestly, that’s not too bad; and it makes me want to start up Bakuman again.

His parents also apparently have a gift for him when exams are over, which is actually kind of interesting in comparison to their usual idea of perfection or nothing.

A mite under 10 minutes in, Whisper confronts Fuu2. Please, go away, I was actually enjoying this for a moment, believe it or not. 

He compliments on his transition and his name. Again, I refer you to my Selputura creation. 

All of a sudden, however; Yuuto decides to go take a personal day in lieu of going to class, much to Fuu2’s confusion. Even though this isn’t the worst part of the movie, I hold a similar disdain to it that I do for the 2000 Digimon movie: because the segments vary so differently in style and tone, I never know what attitude I’m supposed to adopt as a viewer beyond my usual persona. As Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw once said about a certain infamous scene in Duke Nukem Forever: “It’s about as jarring a tone shift as you can get from splicing 5 minutes of The Human Centipede into the middle reel of Mallrats.” 

Convinced his parents won’t accept his goal; Demon Okure is more than willing to grant Yuuto a little “assistance” in the matter. I better not see his school shoes by the river soon.

Play the best song in the world, or I'll eat your souls!

Yet, he decides the best method to try to kill Yuuta is to cut through the strings of another truck of construction supplies. Why?! You have a scythe, why not use that? Why go through the subterfuge of-You know what? I don’t care. This movie is like alternating between Cloud Atlas, Dinosaur King and a political debate; and I’m totally not interested in any of that. 

Again with the manhole covers? Just because Keita’s dumb enough to skip backwards into an open sewer and break his neck doesn’t mean Yuuta is! I’m personally wondering why this sketch isn’t focusing more on Yuuta’s character instead of a gag that wouldn’t pass in an episode of Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation! 

Also, it’s not that Yuuta is in danger; so much is that he’s just annoyed. One more point for him over Keita. Even when he’s leaving the theme park on his day off, he rightfully sees each respective yokai as a nuisance at best, and a threat at worst. Really think the series should have been about him. 

After smashing the sign of a convenience store, the whole thing suddenly turns into the climax of a DC movie as Okure starts wrecking a construction site. Shit, we just got through cleaning up from Doomsday!

Rather than do the logical thing and just go out the back, Yuuto and Fuu2 instead decide to take an elevator to the top of the construction site for what can charitably be called an action scene. Makes me wonder what Eiichiro Oda would do with this anime, to be honest. 

Before we get started, does anyone want to get out?

So, apparently Okure has no conscientious objections about flat-out killing children who lack direction and making it look like an accident! For once, I might like to see how this anime would deal with parents losing their child before they graduate or come of age. While this is a step in the right direction for me, it’s still not as dark as the possibility that Yuuto or Keita’s parents would have to bury their only son. Even in a comedic series, it’s hard for me to get invested in characters potentially getting harmed or killed when there’s no reason to care either way. 

I mean, first there was the scene by the river; now Yuuto is so convinced his parents won’t accept his goal that he’d rather jump off this building than even try to entertain the possibility they might! THIS is a film that outgrossed Episode VII in Japan, folks! Is it any wonder why people like me who loved that film got so peeved about that news? I mean, at least that film had consistent and clear-cut reasons for me to latch onto its characters and story! At what point do we go from wacky yokai hijinks to almost threatening suicide? If you have any snide comments in response, send them to someone who gives a shit. 

Finally, Fuu2 gets through to Yuuto by showing him his parents actually will support his dream; even getting him a new manga drawing kit and making his favorite food for dinner! You see, Hino? THIS is what I want as a viewer! Not just content before Japan or the same time, not a bunch of bad jokes and overpriced knickknacks; actual plot and characters to be invested in! I am glad you’re making an effort for The Snack World and Ni No Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom in that regard (not to mention expanding on the potential LBX: Little Battlers’ Experience in a new robot IP), so hopefully there’ll be opportunity for more of this in the future instead of more shenanigans about a discount Howler from Harry Potter somehow ripping Keita’s pants (seriously, 155 episodes and I still feel like I need some of the shop’s “special” brownies to get through this).

Moved by his parents’ support of his goals (as well as a potential interest in soccer), Yuuto then decides not to go through with his plan; and Okure basically fucks off somewhere else as a result. This is what I want from the series: something as simple and relatable as a human emotion. Despite what other people have said about the series, this is actually the first time in any material associated with the series that I felt like its potential might actually be realized.

Regrettably, we’ll never actually find out what Yuuto being a soccer-playing mangaka might entail, since Okure just drops his medal into Keita’s hands; whose soul has somehow returned to his body. Rather than explore what impact his death may have had on those around him (Hell, doing It’s a Wonderful Plot would actually be an improvement for this movie), his arc in this segment has now been totally nullified. No Max Revive, no Phoenix Down, just a new toy and status quo is god.

Before I continue with the next few segments, you may wonder: do I have something personal against the series? My reply is: I hope not. Nothing would make me happier than to give unambiguous praise to the series like many others have. However, I suggest that the series thoroughly misgauges my investment as a viewer when it makes one of the mascots the lifeless sperm of one of the detractors of the new Ghostbusters and expects me to see it as “a friend I can truly confide in.” I put more stock in the BB-8 model I have by my bedside as I try to remodel my place for this year. Plus, helps that Bill Hader has more comedic talent his digitized beeps than anyone in this movie does. 

We open our next segment in 2023, where Jibanyan awakens on top of a street sign. In the not too distant future, we’re down in deep 13! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. 

However, they dismiss the situation as “inconceivable!” OK, I might as well use this clip, since that’s from a movie I actually like.

Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Of course, the same kid in black is all a tingle at what’s going on. As a disclaimer, I honestly don’t know where I’ll be in 2023; but screw it. I’ll be 31 then, and hopefully things will be more stable than they are now. 

We then cut to some sort of clothing company, where Emi is slowly but surely working toward her dream of becoming a fashion designer. Again, I admit this isn’t that bad, especially since it’s following up something from “Jibanyan’s Secret,” the first recap I did on Yo-Kai Watch for this blog in 2015.

Even though Emi is overworked, she is determined to make her dream come true. This is something I’d like to see more of from the series; but again, I’m going to tell you that things really go south from here.

Case in point: Jibanyan, Robonyan and Bushinyan notice how overworked Emi is and decide to help her out the next time she’s at work. I imagine hijinks will ensue.

About 22 minutes in, we have the next segment as “Jibanyan’s Splendiferous Plan.” It’s going to be insane, but not nearly as insane as this legislation they’re debating about. (Sorry.)

The next day, Emi is given the task of moving crates by her superior. Why? Does this clothing company not have any laborers they can hire for this? Personally, I found the whole “idealistic young woman being shat on by a condescending boss” plot funnier in The Devil Wears Prada. 

Also, for some reason, Lulu is working at the company as well. In fact, a lot of the female students are for some reason. If you think the movie is going to explain why all the ladies went to work for the same company, I once again suggest you’re overestimating what the filmmakers think of you as a viewer.

Anyway, Emi goes to work in the storeroom, and suddenly, a larger dolly than the one she’s using appears with a yokai symbol on it. I’d sooner believe Iorek Byrnison was working with the cast of Shenmue than this setup (looking forward to Shenmue III and the BBC reboot of His Dark Materials, by the way).

Unaware of the presence of Yokai, Emi is able to load the entire cart in a single trip! It can’t be that easy, I just know it.

Then, in order to “help” the task along further, Robonyan gives Jibanyan an airplane hat. Honestly? This is only the second segment, and at 94 minutes; it once again feels much longer given the inconsistent tone and pacing.

Yet, at the same point Episode VII actually had progress in the plot; we then get another scene of low-grade schlock office “comedy.” I guess if Emi’s stint in fashion doesn’t work out, maybe she could go work at Initech.

Least your name isn't Michael Bolton!

What do you know: his hat shorts out and shoots out faster and faster! Called it! 

As the dolly crashes, Emi wonders aloud what just happened? I do that every time I watch this anime, lady. 

Robonyan also remarks “Mission Failed” as if it were a video game. Yeah, I'm glad I called it when the writing process started. As of December 31, 2016, the sequels have only sold 150,000 copies combined in the US; barely a fraction of what they sold in Japan within the same timeframe. Despite Hino's claim the series would "bloom like a flower" within that time, it seems that whatever hype the games might have had got snuffed out by Sun and Moon despite the breathing room between their launch. Sounds more like it's withering and dying here, and not just because of this cold snap that's been happening a lot of places. There might be a chance of salvaging things when the games launch in Europe (since the first one sold better than in America there); and I will come back to that point later in this recap. 

Back at her apartment, Emi laments how she failed at doing the modest task which was her charge. Somehow, I was more entertained by this plot when it was done by 13 going on 30.

Also, Lulu is apparently her roommate; but the movie doesn’t really explain the scenario beyond subtly invoking Friends Rent Control. Sure, it’s a might small, but it appears to have relatively nice furniture; HDTV with digital cable and some kind of entertainment system, among other accoutrements. I don’t know what the total cost of all this would be; but the rents alone in that area in Japan would be a bit much for a couple entry-level fashion employees. I’m just saying is all. 

Wondering what she should do next, she recalls when Akamaru was alive and sees the dress that inspired her to become a fashion designer. Again, this plot point isn’t that bad; but it’s highly jarring when the previous scene felt like a rejected sketch from Mr. Bean.

The next day, Emi is given the chance to show off her design skills when someone who was working on the display for spring called in sick; which Jibanyan somehow planned for. I’m just getting over my flu from the start of this month and this whole scenario is like one of my fever dreams. 

Robonyan then mentions that the other lady caught cold because they broke the fountain. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen! Not exactly a Stormtrooper that doesn’t want to follow orders his whole life. 

Bushinyan is downright pleased that he played a part in wrecking the fountain and getting the other lady sick. Much like my associate Sean “Smeghead” Moore from Cinematic Excrement; I express a similar enjoyment of my look at this movie and other anime. If I may paraphrase him on the matter; I make no apologies for this. In fact, I am quite proud of it. My counteroffer of not viewing the series is this: if you are uptight, puritanical or lacking a sense of humor, please close this recap and leave the internet. Thank you. 

On her way home from work, Emi also narrowly saves an older woman by getting her water from the fountain to take her heart medicine with! Amazing how quickly they were able to repair the fountain after Bushinyan wrecked it, eh?

The day after that, it’s revealed that the old woman was the company’s chairman of the board; and even gives Emi a chance to showcase her designs in the Young Designers Collection! Not as epic as having the Millennium Falcon fly for the first time in years; but it’s convenient for the story, so I’ll let it go.

So, in what’s actually a very sad finale to this segment; Emi is actually able to see Jibanyan and even reconcile with him over what happened the day he died.

I still submit that this is what I genuinely want from the series: not just a bunch of excessive video game and toy promotion, not just content before its native Japan, and definitely not bad jokes in any language. Simple human emotion is the one thing that I want from the series that I’ve yet to see it truly and consistently deliver on; so I’m just going to move onto the next segment. 

Whisper describes the next segment as being “about the love of a mother who could also be described as… immense!” That’s how someone grows up to be Norman Bates.

The story opens with Komasan and Komajiro having breakfast when a note attached to a kunai is shot into their home! 

Message for you, sir!

Also, the title card for this segment, “Komasan Comes Home,” looks like it was drawn in crayon. Given what lies ahead, all of a sudden I want to go play Yoshi’s Island. 

Disregarding the fact their mailman is a ninja (seriously, why can’t we have a series about that?), the letter is from their mother requesting they come back home to the old country. As someone who actually finds the Komasan and Komajiro segments more interesting than the main ones; I am once again going to make an exception to my rule of omitting them for this movie, like I did with “A Very Yo-Kai Christmas.”

Apparently, Komasan’s train card can take him and Komajiro to the train yard of the yokai realm. It’s like a mix of the train to Swamp Bottom in Spirited Away and how Platform 9 3/4 is accessed in Harry Potter.

Although their mother said in the letter not to worry about her, she’s delighted to see them anyway. Also, even though they’re supposedly based off the komainu (roughly “lion dog” translated) of their folklore (I do at least try to research this series even if I don’t like it); for some reason, their mother reminds me of a mix of an oversized Care Bear and Jabba the Hutt. 

This is simply Komama, and she’s quite lively for what I can charitably describe as a bean bag chair or discount Snorlax. As for how she conceived Komasan and Komajiro despite her husband not being shown: personally, the less I know about how yokai mate, the better. 

Also, due to some mix-up; they’ve also taken in a human baby, which Komama has named Komasaburo. …No, the joke I’m thinking of is too easy.

Komama notes that the baby has been very fussy, and hasn’t eaten anything since he arrived there! I’m no pediatrician, but that sounds like a bad case of colick or some other malady that primarily afflicts infants.

While Komasan tries to make the baby laugh, Komajiro wants to sent things right and send him back to his real family. Despite the cliché nature of this story, I actually don’t find this to be as bad as the other segments. As the middle one, it’s nicely middle of the road, but it’s also an indicator of what lies ahead.

In fact, this segment is arguably the best one of the movie; largely because it has the simplest story structure out of the five. I still submit if the other ones were more like this one, it would be less of a slog; as would the Yo-Kai Watch anime as a whole (I am still contemplating picking up one of the sequels, and I will address the matter further on in this recap).

Somehow, this same figure in black dropped off the baby. I think I can see where the next two skits are headed already.

As Komajiro tries to figure out how to get Komasaburo back to his real family, Komasan tries to keep him from getting hurt as he crawls around on the rafters of their house. Not a whole lot to it, really; reminds me of some of those old Buttons and Mindy skits on Animaniacs. 

For some reason, the figure in black has possessed this yokai, Daidara Bochi (known as Dromp in English) as the baby is on the clock tower. I’ve been wanting to use this clip for a while, especially with how out of it I’ve been. 

Cocaine is a Hell of a drug.

Daidara Bochi sucks up the baby, and Komama says that they have to rescue him! You’d personally have better luck wrangling Rathtars, lady.

Long story short, Komasan saves Komasaburo; Daidara Bochi is cured; and everything is back to normal by Komajiro and Komama’s own admission. Fair enough, fellas. 

I still submit this part of the movie is arguably the best segment. I honestly think that if the other segments were more like this one, I probably wouldn’t have near as much beef with this movie as I do. Even so, it’s all downhill from here; folks. 

After Komasaburo is presumably sent home, Whisper says this next segment is a present. Do you have the receipt as well? I’d like to know if I could exchange it someplace for store credit or a gift card. I make that joke again because these segments deal with something I’ve dreaded ever since I started talking about the series. You’re about to see why. 

This is Inora Misaho, one of the protagonists of the anime’s second season and Yo-Kai Watch 3. I will admit that when I was told about her character being introduced, I did express hope that she would be a better character than Keita. As I must once again lament, that hope once again ended up being totally dashed.

Her character is apparently a big fan of anime and space travel, which wouldn’t be that bad on paper. Regrettably, everything else about her character is totally insufferable. Honestly, she makes ME look like Leonard Maltin! I must once again bring up this line that the crew of the Satellite of Love had towards the lead of Deathstalker: “Is it too early to hate this guy?”

Her yokai partner, USApyon (yes, really) isn’t much better. Despite having a sympathetic backstory as well as a snarky persona; the two of them possess the worst elements of the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks and fewer redeeming qualities than either. The fact this outgrossed The Force Awakens in Japan is disappointing to me, to say the least.

He’s also apparently standing in for Santa Claus in this area, so they’re apparently doing an even more insane version of “The Koma-Santa Clause.” This is going to hurt, isn’t it?

Of course, Inaho hasn’t listened to a thing he said, and is just geeking out about one of her anime is getting a new version! Ugh. This dynamic is honestly a big example of the inconsistent tone plaguing this whole fucking movie. It IS possible to have an otaku fangirl as your lead WITHOUT making her a vapid wench. Konata Izumi from Lucky Star, for example. 

USApyon then gets so irritated with her that he pushes a couple buttons on his space helmet, which apparently brings him into Vader Mode. Really think you ought to lay off the Member Berries, Hino. 

Mathew Buck: References. Are not. Jokes.

So, with Inaho grudgingly helping as well, this segment is USApyon’s Merry Christmas. It’s almost Valentine’s day, but fuck it. I’m getting this finished if it kills me.

I know Inaho is only a little girl, but sweet Caroline; I haven’t seen this much mugging since Norm of the North! She at least takes the time to get a Santa outfit to blend in.

After delivering the toys to most of the children in town, she finds a letter belonging to a little boy who didn’t ask for anything. Despite even waking him up and getting into an argument, it never seems to occur to Inaho that maybe this kid just wants peace; goodwill and all that good stuff. Old-fashioned in this day, I know; but still.

However, he does at least get what he needs: a visit to see his mother in the hospital. Not quite as good as when they did this plot in My Neighbor Totoro; but screw it. I want to be finished with this movie and move on with the rest of my plans for this month.

Even the kid in black is just a blip in the radar, as the fifth and final segment is introduced with Whisper rambling about hierarchies being everywhere in the world. I used to believe that; given certain events, I don’t know what to believe anymore. 

It turns out King Enma is under the weather; and this man says that he has human influenza type A. Are you fucking serious? I’m just getting over mine, and despite his claim that it’s the “deadliest human disease,” I know for a fact there are more serious ones that the money spent on this movie could have gone to curing. I’ve lost people I care about to cancer, don’t even insinuate flu is the worst that can happen; you pompous ass!

The man, whose name is Nurarihyon, by the way; decides to take this opportunity to usurp his position of power. A plot that’s been done to death in this dog somehow outgrossed the Japanese release of a film which at most was influenced by a A New Hope, itself being influenced by Flash Gordon serials and “jidai geki” films. If the Idiocracy is upon us, I might as well enjoy myself in it. Least this dog has enough piss and fart jokes to compete with “Ow, My Balls.”

The final segment is “Let’s Go to the Yokai World,” a concept which has enough material for its own movie and has even had countless films made about it before this one. Instead, it’s basically the climax of this film with roughly 40 minutes left to go. I’ve taken out many films I hated BEFORE I started this blog, this is no different. Let’s go kick some ass. 

Even as Jibanyan tries to explain what’s going on; it’s not really working. How do you function?

Keita even questions how much harm a human illness can do to Enma, which Whisper freaks out about! That’s stupid! You’re stupid! Stop being stupid!

Whisper then claims there’s no provision for anyone to help! Oh. My. God!

Suddenly, Fuyunyan appears and suggests they negotiate with Nurarihyon, who’s the chairman! This is bad comedy!

Fuyunyan even remarks how long it’s been. Not long enough.

He’s also gathering more Yokai to help by the Hachiko statue at the square. Just makes me wish I was playing The World Ends With You.

As Whisper keeps blathering about how dangerous the chairman is; he contorts his already bizarre expression into more odd proportions! Okay, play the Plinkett clip again.

What's wrong with your face?

True to their word, the yokai arrive to help despite Whisper’s doubts; with USApyon arriving in a Formula 1 car with purple flames shooting out the wheels. Not quite as impressive as the Doof Warrior’s flame throwing guitar in Mad Max: Fury Road, but it’s OK.

Whisper then consults his Yokai pad, and even discovers how he’s partnered with Inaho, who is “an obnoxious sci-fi otaku” by his own admission. Applies in any situation, really.

Whisper would be great at Cinema Sins.

Right on cue, she appears and says “that’s a little off-base.” This is patently wrong, and the reason why I want to finish this movie and move on with what else I have planned.

So, 59 minutes into a 94-minute-movie, and we get more of Inaho’s mugging. Keita even says he doesn’t even know what’s happening anymore. Yeah, nowhere near as easy to follow as a bunch of Resistance members trying to stop a massive WMD that looks like a high-tech Poké Ball. It will be a wonder if they’ll be able to get anymore of the series over here like they want.

Honestly, she spends the next minute or so prattling off about all her fandoms! Comic Book Guy would be telling her she’s mad! Can’t really say I’m a fan of Inora after being exposed to characters like Ryoko Matoi and any of the entries on my Top 13 Anime women; to say nothing of characters like Katniss Everdeen, Black Widow, Imperator Furiosa, Rey and now Jyn Erso.

Still, the two of them together in this movie and later in the anime itself has caused the fandom to frequently ship them together. Might as well juxtapose this with a movie that’s also polarizing, but I actually liked. 

She was fearless, and crazier than him. She was his queen, and god help anyone who disrespected his queen.

All of a sudden, the human and yokai realms start to diverge. If only there were a reason for me to care as a viewer. I’m mostly just trying to end this shit because of it all taking longer than I was expecting to.

Despite me and the characters being confused by this plot point, Whisper exposits that their bond is being severed by a jamming signal between their worlds! That just raises further questions!

One hour down, 34 minutes to go. More than enough time to put a bullet in this movie’s head. Or better yet, (spoiler alert!) run it through my Kylo Ren lightsaber in a manner worthy of Adam Driver. 

Also, Inaho starts rambling some nonsense about the scenario; and that’s coming from someone who had no problem with the new Lex Luthor’s demeanor.

As Inaho and Keita try to figure out what to do next, the yokai decide to go take a plane to confront the chairman (because I’m tired of typing his name and I’ve already got all these other yokai names on command-V). As for the plane’s design: whatever they have in the complimentary drinks, I want some.

When the yokai arrive at the bridge between worlds; I can honestly say that this last half-hour or so could be a bunch of Hunter S. Thompson hallucinations and it would make just as much sense to me.

I was right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo, and somebody was giving booze to these goddamn things.
It won't be long now before they tear us to shreds.

They reach King Enma’s castle by the sea; and the setup presented here makes me want to watch Inception again sometime.

So, their plan is to storm the castle and confront the Chairman about what happened to King Enma. I would question this plan more, but I stopped caring about 20 minutes before this, so anything that helps end this movie is fine with me at this point.

Fuyunyan even goes out of his way to exposit that the chairman is the king’s second in command even though they’ve already established that. Do you honestly think that little of your audience? It’s like Indiana Jones saying that Ilsa is working for the Nazis with half an hour left in the Last Crusade.

Hikkoumori (Hidabat in English) then rolls up in a limousine and decides to scope out a place to slip inside! Half an hour left, Steven; you can do this.

Fortunately, because the guards resemble and are as dumb as Whisper, he’s able to bribe them with a suitcase of gold to get inside. Sounds like a typical day of congress these days!

Whisper wonders if “this is something we should be approving of?” I don’t care what you approve of, as I said before, if it helps end this movie; I will be fine with it.

Of course, it works. It may not be as cool as Han and Finn bluffing their way into Starkiller Base, but with 30 minutes left of runtime, I don’t care if the new Major Kusanagi is giving the president some “work” if it gets us closer to the end credits. (By the way, still not going to the new Ghost in the Shell, and ScarJo’s comments have done nothing to change my mind even if she has valid points on the matter).

Anyway, the Chairman wants King Enma to sign a letter of resignation; but I somehow think this will be as successful as Nute Gunray’s attempt to get Queen Amidala to sign a treaty in The Phantom Menace. Even that movie is one I’d rather be watching right now, fan backlash at the time and since be damned.

Naturally, before King Enma can sign; Jibanyan confronts the Chairman and demands he rescind his order. The Chairman refuses, and decides to engage the yokai in combat! Oh goody, more of the Yokai and their Anemic Technicolor Dream Journals! Seriously, they changed the old Japanese folk tales this old woman told to a Dream Journal, which makes me wonder why she even talks to Keita and isn’t in a nursing home somewhere!

Seriously, the Chairman claims his plan is brilliant; but he then refuses to explain it and sends his underlings instead! Again, the distributors called Lucasfilm arrogant and then they release a movie which falls victim to the generic doomsday villain character type. Look, Chairman, if you refuse to tell me about your plan; I highly doubt it’s as interesting as you claim. If all you have done is try to usurp the king’s position and kill some yokai, I will even go the opposite route and say your plan is not brilliant, but dull and derivative. If you don’t reveal yourself as even someone who has quirky qualities like Bowser or Dr. Ivo “Robotnik” Eggman to offset their lack of complex characters, I will only see you as an overpriced toy or video game boss.

Seriously, when your underlings outrank you in terms of personality and interesting designs, I submit there is NOTHING you could tell me that I would find brilliant! Let’s go, you bishonen motherfucker!

As the final battle wears on, just as I thought: the Chairman’s motivation was just because he disagreed with King Enma wanting to unify the human and Yokai realms, and little else. There is the template for compelling motivation and a “brilliant” plan, but the movie does nothing with it at all. After seeing how complex the villains have gotten in newer Pokémon games (as well as older ones being given more malicious re-imaginings), I now officially have no reason to be invested. Hell, even the games have villains with some motivation! Sure, it was over donuts; but it’s still more than this preppy douche!

Yet, he still claims that none of us can understand his motivation as he goes all one-winged angel on us! Dude, fuck off.

Even his alternate form is lame: it’s just his head with a mishmash of CGI tentacles. The Force Awakens has definitely rekindled my appreciation of practical special effects. I still say a good idea for this anime is to do less. Less is more.

With each passing minute in this final battle, I must once again say the good news and bad news: the bad news is that I have no idea who’s fighting who or why. Good news: I don’t care. 

Then, all of a sudden; we are given Keita and Inaho ex machina. Sure, why not?

Much like the last movie, Keita has to summon Bakuroba (Tattletell in English) to explain what the villain is really after. To think some people were so hard on The Force Awakens for drawing so much from A New Hope; both much better movies. There, I said it!

So, Bakuroba reveals that the Chairman defied King Enma in his actions; and it’s revealed that the kid in black is behind everything in the movie with just over 20 minutes left. My ennui already peaked long before this; so I just want to finish this and talk more about what else Hino and Level-5 are planning.

Even Fuyunyan calls his bluff. Still, if he didn’t want anyone to talk to the king; I still think he could have come up with a more convincing illness like HIV/AIDS. … Sorry, been in a bit of a dark place lately; this movie isn’t helping (still in the process of rewriting my next Code Geass R2 recap given the circumstances as well).

So, it turns out that the Chairman has gotten even more tentacles; and by proxy, more potential for disturbing Rule 34 about a series meant for 7-year-olds. I have seen shit that will turn you white! Yeah, my mind retreated to a movie about ghosts that I don’t hate.

Then, Inaho pisses off USApyon enough that he engages “Vader Mode” again to fight the Chairman! Well, Hino, I can make these kind of references too! 

Motherfucker. All you motherfuckers are gonna pay!
YOU ARE THE ONES WHO ARE NOW THE BALL LICKERS!

Then, Inaho angers him FURTHER and he activates his “Emperor Mode!” What other features does this suit have? 

Even THAT’S not enough, as the Chairman fuses with his minions into Dai-Yoma Nura-Neira! Well, at least I don’t have to type as many characters; so there’s a plus.

So, with 12 minutes remaining, Keita and Inaho combine their powers and summon King Enma! Even though I feel this could have been established better, even I can’t deny that Enma has joined the list of yokai I actually like, given how the concept of Enma has been used to great effect in anime and Japanese folklore long before this series ever existed. 

What’s more, Enma is able to defeat the Chairman and reclaim his kingdom without breaking a sweat. It’s anticlimactic, to be sure (especially in comparison to Episode VII); but given what else I’ve said about this movie, I really don’t care at this point.

So, we close on everyone heading home in the view of the sunset on the king’s compound. Clichéd, yes; but I’m glad I’m finally done with this slog.

This may not be the worst movie I’ve done here (what I have on the table next will be worse, as will some potential material for my 300th post), there’s just a whole lot about Yo-Kai Watch as it is that doesn’t click with me. Even if Hino and Level-5 are interested in bringing more content to the US; I still think they and the fans are vastly overestimating how much the public as a whole would be interested in this prospect. I may have more episodes on my hit list, but I’m not doing any more of them until March after my 300th post.

As for the third movie outgrossing Rogue One in Japan: I probably won’t do that one unless there’s official confirmation of the third game coming to the US. Not fan speculation, not USApyon badges in Nintendo Badge Arcade (which I don’t play); an actual release date or something else tangible like that. I am also still contemplating getting the sequels, but I don't see myself doing that until after the European launch in April. Maybe they can salvage things that way; but otherwise, it's hard for me to see this series as anything but a flop in the US. Since sales have stagnated for Bony Spirits and Fleshy Souls at 150,000 copies as of January 7 of this year, I still think it would be better for Level-5 to just cut their losses in this market and focus on Snack World and Ni No Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom.

Regarding the anime: they recently started a darker "Kuroi" series which depicts the world and its inhabitants with a more dingy and grimy vibe as opposed to the main series. I rather like that quality. Keita goes from merely being an absentminded 11-year-old to a condescending slob; and even "cute" yokai like Jibanyan and Komasan are rendered in a more grotesque fashion like something out of an Edward Gorey painitng. I'd much rather if those were the main focus instead of a yokai that makes Keita and his friends pick their noses all the time.

All of this is why I find this movie such a mess. Even though some segments are better than others; it never seems to find a consistent style and tone for itself. Moreover, despite the claims otherwise; I find that a major issue I have with the series is that it indirectly sends the message that it's better to blame your problems on an external force than confront them or fix them. That is a TERRIBLE lesson, and I highly doubt I would have liked the series when I was younger because of that. It's hard for me to apply younger self to a conflict about donuts when the age the player characters are made is one where I was dealing with political strife, war overseas and the economy being in the gutter.

If you like this series, there's honestly very little I can do to change your mind about the matter; just as there is very little you can do to change mine. If Hino wants this thing to last; then Yo-Kai Watch needs to evolve. Otherwise, the audience will get sick of it and move on. The successes of Pokémon Sun and Moon as well as Pokémon Go prove that Pokémon has been able to adapt to changing tastes; and Digimon and Yu-Gi-Oh are also now being rebranded in simlar fashions. Much like I suggested in the last movie: I may think it's nonsense, but it's your nonsense. You are free to enjoy it, since it clearly was not meant for me.

So, I think I will go watch Star Wars: The Force Awakens for the 28th time; then work on my next recap. Think I'll look at Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie next; since I've been meaning to look at that for a while. That will be all for now. Bang.