Recap: Yu-Gi-Oh- The Movie

“Effectively a strategy guide and commercial in vaguely filmic form.”-Tasha Robinson, AV Club

“Like the gods, the trading cards are capricious, with ever changing rules and strategies so intricate that only Yu-Gi-Oh-logists will fully enjoy this adventure.”- Andrea Gronvall, Chicago Reader

“Looks like “Transformers On Speed: The Autobots Take Japan.””- Mark Collete, Tyler Morning Telegraph, Texas

“It’s a painful, ponderous experience that’s not helped by being weighed down by lengthy explanations of the esoteric dueling rules.”- Jamie Russell, BBC.com

“The latest kiddie con job to float over from Tokyo.”-Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel, 1/5

“Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie, a hyper ventilating feature-length advertisement for Japanese trading cards would be hilarious if it weren’t so dreadfully cynical.”- Megan Lehmann, New York Post, 0/4

“From the endless product placement to its attempt to reel in viewers with free trading cards at the door, it all adds up to a 90-minute commercial.”-John Monaghan, Detroit Free Press, 1/4

“Yu-Gi-Oh is so flat as to make the card game on which it was based seem positively three-dimensional.”-Louise Kennedy, Boston Globe, 1/4

“Adults: if your child forces you to go to Yu-Gi-Oh, remember there’s no law against iPods in movie theaters.”-Lily Burk, LA Weekly

“Don’t watch the TV show or play the card game? Then this movie is not for you.”-Rotten Tomatoes, 5%

Well, I knew it was only a matter of time before I addressed this movie. I’ve been meaning to do this one for a long time. When “Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie” was released in August 2004; it was quickly regarded as one of the worst summer movies of all time, and ended up being a dud at the box office as well, debuting at #4 on its opening weekend and quickly petering out to home video and DVD. Even was I was 12, I didn’t enjoy the movie’s prospect; to the point where even films like Alien VS Predator (not exactly great cinema itself) were more appealing to me. That time frame may have had lots of movies I enjoyed that summer (such as Spider-Man 2 and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban), but this wasn’t one of them. I’ve already taken out one of the movies I’ve been meaning to, might as well do this one since I’m on a roll. Let’s open up “Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie!"

Before I get into the meat of things, apparently this is the first and only film 4Kids had a hand in dubbing that was rated PG by the MPAA in theaters. As opposed to the Pokémon films (not counting Mewtwo Returns or the Darkrai movie), this film is rated PG for “scary combat and monster images.” Still, I would suggest “scary” was probably a marketing term for the combat given how many horror films I had seen when I was 12. Monster images it has. Let that be an indicator how this isn’t a good movie, but it will provide a lot of material in just under 90 minutes.

Want proof? The very first scene is a retelling of the backstory of the series, ending on the line “even eternity doesn’t last forever.” (laughs) How the Hell do you direct someone to deliver that line without cracking up? I can barely type that without trying to hold back my laughter! As I mentioned before, I’ve written glorified fan fiction when I was 12 that I at least admit is hokey in hindsight! 

As Yugi solves the Millennium Puzzle, apparently a bunch of archeologists uncover Anubis’ remains and get killed. It’s hard for me to get invested in a bunch of archeologists I don’t really know about. It’s the same reason why I don’t feel too bad about numerous redshirts dying on Star Trek, but the stakes are much higher when it’s a major character. 

As the dig site caves in on the archeologists, suddenly monsters appear in Yugi’s bedroom; yet the first one to attack him is Kuriboh! Please, that little thing is basically a meat shield and alias for an associate of mine from England who makes parody fandubs! Now Black Luster Soldier: THAT would be cause for concern. 

At that moment, the spirit of the pharaoh awakens from the puzzle and Yugi defeats the monsters with relative ease. Like I said, corny as the fan fiction I wrote when I was 12. 

Roughly six minutes in, we get the title; and I can at least admit it looks decent. Still, it’s going to get crazier from here; folks.

Apparently, it’s only been 3 years since Yugi became the new Duel Monsters champion, thanks to narration from my good friend; Mike Pollock. Naturally, that’s why subsequent series have been big examples of the fleeting demographic rule; and I can only imagine what will happen in the next series they have planned (Note: I have no current formal opinion on what they just unveiled about it, I might have more later.).

Also, a bunch of other duelists (including side characters) want to beat Yugi for no adequately-explored reasons. Shame really, least the show itself had some justification for the card games as conflict resolution and the duelists.

We then cut to a rematch between Yugi and Kaiba; and I find Kaiba’s dismissal of Yugi as a “pompous windbag” odd given how he helped him often in Battle City (which the film takes place after) as well as his own ego and obsession with dragons. Still, least he’s a bit more noble than he is in the manga (where he tried to kill him numerous times and outright says he’s disgusted by his friendship. I’m not making that up at all.)

Fed up with his scientists’ failures, Kaiba once again decides to take matters into his own hands and find another way of beating the god cards. I do find it kind of funny how while Eric Stuart’s performance was relatively standard in the TV series, he seems to be reading all of Seto’s lines like a prima donna celebrity here (also glad they got him back for Dark Side of Dimensions even with him being semi-retired from anime voice acting to focus on his music career instead).

At about 10 minutes in, we cut to the castle of Maximillion Pegasus in the midst of some nightmare. Probably the same one Kahn had when his company went bankrupt.

As Pegasus comes to, he says to himself “No more white wine spritzers before bed.” This from the same company that turned his red wine into juice the actual show. Also, there is another white substance that may have been used in the dubbing process that’s making me use this clip again. 

Cocaine is a Hell of a drug.

The next day, Solomon Moto is reading the newspaper and sees an article about the artifacts they were able to uncover before the archeologists died in the intro. The photograph of some of them is also credited to Norman Grossfeld. (sighs) Really? Granted, the self-worship isn’t as bad as it was in “A Double Dilemma,” but still just bugs me.

Also, this overhead shot of the town has some perspective issues; looks a lot smaller than it should, and a bit off-model for a movie which has a supposedly larger budget than the show, but often looks dodgier than it does animation-wise at points.

Then, get a load of this: Kaiba apparently has a Blue-Eyes White Dragon Jet in his arsenal! This is a more flagrant case of conspicuous consumption of company money than Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark put together! Seto, Kanye West called; he thinks your ego is making him uncomfortable!

He then flies off to his image song, “You’re Not Me.” This whole sequence doesn’t scream 2004 so much as double-team you with a Magnum in one hand and a Needler in the other. Just listen to it and tell me you don’t imagine a flashback to the “Dubya” era. 

Kaiba arrives at Pegasus’ island, and this time he is drinking more red wine! Going for the old hair of the dog approach, eh Pegasus? 

After asking for a card that can beat the Egyptian gods, we cut to the school where Yugi and his friends are about to go to the exhibit at the museum.

However, the duelists from earlier now want to fight Yugi! Jeez guys, can it wait? Haven’t seen someone get this much heat outside a wrestling ring!

While Yugi and Téa try to slip away, Joey and Tristan try to distract the stragglers! This can only end well! 

As Yugi and Téa head to the museum, Joey and Tristan try to tag team two of the duelists! Of course, always a logical solution.

Despite the fact that the cards are merely interactive holographs, the monster Joey’s opponent summons somehow is able to inject its syringe (which 4Kids didn’t edit like in the anime proper) into Joey’s rear. … I can’t even touch this scene. If you were watching this movie and saw a nurse ramming a shot into this guy’s ass, what would you say?

However, more of the hangers-on spot Yugi and Téa and don’t even finish the duel; even trampling Joey and Tristan as they to follow them! Oy. Hope the Nintendo Switch launch isn’t this much of a madhouse (both waves of preorders have sold out in my area, don’t know when more will come in). 

As Yugi and Téa hide in the museum, somehow eluding their stalkers; we cut back to Pegasus’ castle, as he and Kaiba are about to duel for the card that can beat the Egyptian gods; with Kaiba staking all three of his Blue-Eyes White Dragons if he loses. Fun fact: in the manga, he ended up acquiring them through less than honorable means, which included dealing with the mob; using his money to bankrupt other collectors, and even making one of the other owners suicidal. I am not making that up at all. Understandably, as I’ve pointed out before, the anime softened those aspects of Seto’s personality; making him more of an anti-hero and reluctant ally to Yugi and his friends than an outright antagonist. Not that the fans mind, at any rate.

Pegasus leads, and tells Kaiba that he’s “about to enter a world of pain.” An adequate way of describing this movie, and also one of my favorite Walter Sobchak lines as well.

This is Duel Monsters, there are rules.

It seems Pegasus has pulled Toon World on his first draw. This was a lot better in the actual show. I honestly feel that rewatching the anime for the umpteenth time on Netflix would be more entertaining, but I’ve been meaning to take this down for a while, so let’s go. 

Kaiba is unimpressed by this, and Pegasus follows up with Toon Gemini Elf! Huh. Well, I knew it would come to this. If I’m going to keep watching this movie, might as well take advantage of one of my town’s few silver linings in that batshit insane election year we had. 

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things!

As the duel continues, I must point out that it seems that the cards are not only unaltered, but even faithfully translated! As I pointed out my recap of “The Heart of the Cards,” standards and practices usually meant they had to be changed for the anime proper. Just something I thought I’d point out, since we’re only a quarter of the way in and I want to keep from reaching total ennui for now.

Pegasus’ next monster is the Toon Dark Magician Girl. Even with the fandom’s view of the regular kind; this design is a but too lolicon for my tastes, so I’m just going to move on.

As the Gemini Elves attack Kaiba, Pegasus remarks that “cartoons are so violent these days!” (laughs) That’s actually kind of funny. I can just imagine Eric Stuart in a recording studio having to do 50 takes of that line. 

They also have an added effect being able to take a card from Kaiba’s hand, and they take his Monster Reborn card! Pretty lucky, given how he doesn’t have the Millennium Eye anymore by his own admission (though he did invent the game, so he'd probably understand how it works).

After sacrificing his Toon Gemini Elves, Pegasus then summons Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon! What am I doing with my life that I just typed that sentence?

Pegasus then follows up with Toon Summoned Skull! Only 24 minutes in, and this movie is already feeling like an overlong episode than anything else.

Through a series of plays, Kaiba is able to summon XYZ Dragon Cannon! Not exactly Buckbeak, is it? 

Kaiba is then able to destroy Toon World with one swift stroke and get the cards he needs! Well, that was convenient.

Back at the museum, Yugi and Téa meet with Yugi’s grandfather and take a look at some of the items on display, such as the tomb of Anubis and the Pyramid of Light. We’re barely a third of the way through this thing, aren’t we?

Then, all of a sudden, Anubis’ remains disappear! This mostly dull Yu-Gi-Oh movie suddenly turns into an episode of Scooby-Doo just shy of the half-hour mark. Oh dear, what have I gotten myself into?

Mokuba arrives at the museum, and says that his brother is looking for Yugi. Much like Seto, Mokuba’s more malicious traits from the manga were removed from the anime; just thought I’d bring that up to keep my mind limber. Watching this movie, you do what you can to survive.

Yugi is then taken by limousine to see Kaiba, with the rest of his friends following behind. All things considered, the movie has been at least serviceable so far, but trust me when I say things REALLY go downhill in the next two acts.

After conferring with the spectral essence of the pharaoh, Yugi agrees to face off against Kaiba yet again! 

Kaiba then seals all the exits in the arena! Is this really necessary? Yugi doesn’t seem like the kind of person that would back away from a challenge, egomaniacal opponents be damned. Nor do I: I don’t write for Polygon, I don’t assume the worst just because I don’t have a few details at the moment.

Even when Yugi tries to convince him not to go through with his vague plan, Kaiba refuses and continues with his showboating! (laughs) It’s amazing how little The Abridged Movie had to change about this to make it funnier (though I’m still keeping the Little Kuriboh jokes to a minimum the best I can).

Seriously, Kaiba is so eager to reclaim his title that he says that Yugi will be “exposed to the world as a fraud!” Sounds like the wet dream of most of the journalists in the country right now.

After a couple turns, Yugi is able to summon Slifer the Sky Dragon. Not much longer till the halfway point, Steven, you can do this.

Kaiba then uses an Obligatory Summon spell to force Obelisk the Tormentor and the Winged Dragon of Ra to be summoned as well; solely so he can be the first to take them down after using the Pyramid of Light trap card! 

Yet, Yugi seems surprised that the Pyramid of Light is a card as well as an artifact! (laughs) I may be crazy, but I’m not crazy enough to make this stuff up.

Not only does Yugi’s inner self get sucked into the pyramid, but so do Joey and Tristan on the Balcony! 

Just as Téa and Solomon arrive at the Battle Dome, suddenly Yugi, Joey and Tristan are trapped in some bizarre tomb! Even as the Pharaoh asks Kaiba what he's just done, I honestly don't know what just happened.

Yugi rationalizes he's somehow inside the Millennium Puzzle, and just has to find the soul room of the pharaoh! Sounds simple enough, but given how Joey and Tristan are inside as well as the sheer number of rooms, it's easier said than done.

Now we finally arrive at the middle of the film. 

Yugi then rationalizes that as he loses his life points, he loses his actual life force? Are you taunting the audience or just making shit up, movie? At this point, it’s probably both.

In attempt to find the pharaoh, Yugi stumbles upon a tomb of mummies! Certainly hope the reboot of that is good, didn’t really care for the Brendan Fraser ones (too much like a lightweight Indiana Jones for my taste). 

As for Mokuba’s explanation of the Pyramid of Light’s effects: It could more or less be Dwight K. Schrute rambling and it would make just as much sense to me.

Through a series of further turns, Kaiba is able to summon all three of his Blue-Eyes White Dragons and combine them into Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon! Just over 50 minutes into this turkey, and I can move on to my next few projects.

Upon seeing the Millennium Puzzle clash with the Pyramid of Light, Joey asks “what’s going on?” I wonder the same thing, Joey.

As Yugi summons the Sorcerer of Darkness, I honestly have no idea who decided it was a good idea to focus the movie on the duels at the expense of the story and characters; but it was a mistake. I don’t plan on covering Bonds Beyond Time or Dark Side of the Dimensions on this blog, but I gather they were improvements in that regard.

Kaiba then revives his Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon in order to summon a new monster: The Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon! Free with every admission ticket, folks! 

Yugi, Joey and Tristan then hightail it back to Anubis’ tomb; and try to stop him from being revived! Only a half-hour left, then I can decide what I want to do next. I will also have reached a decision on my 300th post after my next couple recaps as well.

Of course, Anubis wants to reawaken solely to bring death and destruction upon the world and little else. … You know, when I compiled my top 13 anime villains; I ultimately decided to include most of my choices based on a mixture of status, malice and complexity; thus why I chose Dartz to represent Yu-Gi-Oh on the list. Hell, even Kaiba and Pegasus had some sympathetic qualities, all the actions they took be damned.

Téa then somehow projects herself towards Yugi, Joey and Tristan and reminds of their friendship symbol. Lazy reference to the pilot is lazy.

Honestly, this duel just drags on and on; and the awakening of Anubis does little to change that. As for how there’s 20 minutes or so left in the movie: I already compared the villain of the first Yo-Kai Watch movie to the live-action Megatron; so let’s finish this thing already.

As I pointed out before, Anubis is little more than another generic doomsday villain; which is a shame given how this series usually has enemies that are pretty memorable. 

Hey Anubis, Broly called, he thinks you're full of crap.

So, with less than 20 minutes remaining, Yugi and Anubis finally face off. I could honestly care less at this point, and I just came off a movie where I felt my apathy peak by the finale, so I might as well make the most of it. 

Yugi throws a dagger at the eye of the Pyramid of Light, hoping that “fate is with us!” It is not, the dagger bounces off the eye. 

So, Yugi is somehow able to revive the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon and defeat Anubis! Huh, that was more anticlimactic than the last movie I did.

Also, (laughs) points taken off for smiling as your pyramid crumbles, Anubis. That is easily my favorite thing about this movie. 

Yet, even after he’s more or less obliterated by that last attack, he turns into a pile of black sludge that’s still out for Yugi’s blood! I haven’t seen a villain this persistent since the Black Knight!

As if this finale couldn’t drag any further, Yugi uses the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon to destroy Anubis’ final form! Fuck, this movie has more endings than Return of the King!

With Mokuba dressing Seto’s wounds in the ruins of the Battle Dome, we close on Yugi and his friends reflecting on their friendship and all that jazz. Just as well, time to finally wrap this up.

“Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie” is definitely not something I would recommend; as its reputation as a bad movie precedes it in many ways as well as being a lackluster adaptation of what’s actually a good show on its own. The story and animation are pure DTV dreck, so I’m even more baffled that it got a theatrical release in the US in hindsight. However, given how many times I cracked up while writing this recap; it does make a fairly decent comedy under the right circumstances, much like the Abridged Movie can attest. You could re-edit this movie into a Yu-Gi-Oh spoof and you actually wouldn’t have to change all that much; so the potential to parody this film is ripe for the picking. 

As for what I want to do next: I have a couple options on the table that I want to do before the month is out, I will just have to sleep on what I will follow this up with, then do the other before my 300th post. That will be all for now. Bang.