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| Cover of the DVD release. |
Not only is this box cover prominently displaying artists that date the soundtrack on sight (I mainly know the Offspring because of their connection to the Crazy Taxi games); but that is a horrendously off-model appearance of Kazuya. That in itself is a bad omen. When the memetic early render from the original game looks more appealing; you know you've missed the mark.
The film admittedly doesn't start on the worst note- there's some narration that lays out the premise of the King of Iron Fist Tournament ("Tekken" literally meaning "Iron Fist") and its connection to conflict throughout the years. A bit middling delivery, but otherwise fine. It's what comes next that's a problem.
Case in point- the games have balanced serious martial arts tournament fighting with some surprisingly entertaining elements of absurdity. The Mishima bloodline is a power dynamic that makes Succession look like Sesame Street, and there are other fighters that include mechanized samurai and a wrestler so committed to his leopard gimmick he speaks only in wildcat growls. The adaptations never really managed to get that balance right- much like the later Tekken Bloodline, this movie not only offsets that balance; but makes it unbearably dull.
Even the "canon event" of Heihachi tossing his son Kazuya into a volcano lacks the impact it has in the source material. There was no dialogue, and Kazuya was knocked out when it happened. Jun also wasn't there to see it happen, in spite of what this dream sequence might tell you otherwise.
Likewise, using 3WC in lieu of the Mishima Zaibatsu or G Corporation isn't even among the top 10 issues I have with this movie. Nor with calling them the "Mishima Conglomerate." You don't need to be an expert on foreign language or international business to know the difference between a domestic conglomerate and a Japanese zaibatsu. The dialogues between Jun and her partner in conversation are just glorified fluff. Unfortunately, like many bad video game adaptations; we can't just press a button to skip to the gameplay.
Jun gets an invite to the tournament; and I reiterate that isn't a bad idea for a story. Bruce Lee's classic Enter the Dragon has influenced many subsequent films; even down to many being set on an island that doubles as a trap for the competitors. It's the execution that kills this movie at square one, as the creative liberties taken even this early on are going to make this a hard sit. When you make a $1 billion cash prize and the King of Iron Fist title sound as dull as filing taxes; you've gone seriously wrong.
Even the introduction of the normally lively Lei Wulong (who I often play with in my backup rotation) feels underwhelming. His joke of calling Jun "petite" doesn't work, as her canonical height of 5'7"/170cm is actually fairly standard for someone of her position. He's also not much taller than her, being canonically 5'9"/175cm. Neither of you are wearing lifts in your shoes, you're not fooling anyone; especially not fans who would totally notice that like I just did. The fights haven't even officially started yet and we're already in trouble.
He also had no affiliation with 3WC, he's typically affiliated with the Super Police in Hong Kong. He actually reminds me a lot of the characters in John Woo's filmography; which I'd rather be watching right now.
I digress- Jun doesn't trust Lei, nor does she bat an eye when he starts coming onto her. Elsewhere, in a dojo that makes the work of Hanna-Barbera look like Studio TRIGGER; Lee Chaolan confers with Heihachi. I also don't get why he calls Heihachi "father" either- maybe it's a mistranslated sub; but I'm not willing to give this movie that much creative license after how much it's already taken. Lee is typically more of a business associate, but is also not above putting one over on him in both direct and indirect ways. He could be referring to his adoption, but the movie doesn't make that clear. At this point in canon, he was also Kazuya's handler rather than Heihachi's. The closest he gets to resembling his counterpart is double-dealing with the Mishimas and pulling the strings at the Zaibatsu. The way the "Silver Devil" nickname is treated is just such a waste, as is his hiring of Nina Williams. Not quite as bad as her standalone game (essentially to this franchise what Mythologies Sub-Zero and Special Forces are to Mortal Kombat); but it still feels mid.
Ten minutes in, and we not only see the Devil Gene awaken in another dream sequence (part of the reason I compared this movie to a sleep aid); but we really see how the changes mess up Kazuya's motivation. Even in the early stages of the lore, Kazuya wasn't merely trying to reclaim his birthright; he had more of a bone to pick with his father for beating him within an inch of his life and tossing him into a volcano. Unsurprisingly, it's not just fans that have issue with this change- series creator Katsuhiro Harada understandably doesn't like to talk about this movie; with the games releasing afterward rendering it non-canon.
Nina then blasts her way into Kazuya's hotel room; and the ensuing fight is nowhere near as interesting as you'd hope. I did find Kazuya diving into the water opposite the building and messing up his hair kind of funny though.
The shower scene with Anna isn't even worth addressing, as this whole movie is already as flaccid as a convenience store sausage. Bottom line- Lee still wants control of the Mishima Zaibatsu; and after Nina's hit on Kazuya failed, he decides to send Anna next. This whole exchange is, again, one of the few times they come close to resembling their video game counterparts. We're not even 15 minutes into this thing.
Case in point- it takes about this long for the plot to actually start; with the tournament being held on an island that doubles as a weapons manufacturing plant. Typical.
Not even a fight to get on the boat to the tournament can save it. Bruce and the Jack series have never been my favorite characters; but the resulting scrap here is blander than the water Irvin is knocked into.
There is a brief appearance from Ganryu, and I once again don't get Lei calling Julia Chang "skinny" when he sees her. Again, her canonical weight of 54kg/119 pounds is fairly standard for someone her age; and she's pretty powerful. So, the joke fails on multiple levels.
Even Jun calls him out on this, since his casual misogyny didn't exist in the games. He'd still crack some jokes in my story, but his interest in the tournament would be purely professional.
Third of the way in, and Kazuya leaps onto the boat. OK, that's actually kind of cool, even if this movie is still like an animated generic of Unisom.
That night, as Kazuya trains for the tournament (destroying a sandbag in the process), Jun gets a vision of his devil form. It's nowhere as interesting as it sounds, regrettably.
I also reiterate, it wasn't the scarring that caused the friction with his father; it was the attempt on his life. As Jun comes to see him; I boggle at this change. I can understand if you want to change something to make it more interesting, but not if you want to make it less interesting.
Seriously- it wasn't a river he was tossed into, he nearly avoided ending up like Anakin on Mustafar. The classical music, the failed attempt to return his locket; the shirt rip- none of it works at all.
Nina makes another attempt at Kazuya with a garrote; but it's foiled by Jun. Anna comes in with a rocket launcher; and only succeeds in blowing up the gym. Half an hour left of this.
The pendant contains Kazumi in there, and Kazuya vows to end his father no matter how long it takes. Spoiler alert- it takes another 20 years, five main games and a punch to the chest.
The next morning, a trial run begins for the tournament to qualify. It kind of reminds me of the recurring Tekken Force bonus mode; which reminds me a lot of Final Fight or Streets of Rage. Pretty fun; and this scene is one of the few that actually isn't that bad.
What is however, is when Julia hurls an ax at Heihachi; who catches it and breaks it in his teeth. Did the people who wrote this confuse her with T. Hawk from Street Fighter?
Halfway through, the fights begin with a thud as Kazuya ruthlessly beats Wang. I will give less mature readers a moment to stop snickering while I critique the fight between Julia and Ganryu. It's so stiff and janky that I've honestly played online matches with fewer frame drops. The bit with Lei and Jack-2 isn't even worth addressing.
The fight between Kazuya and Julia is way duller than it sounds. Not even their mutual desire for Heihachi's head or Jun's intervention can save it. Elsewhere, Jack-2 somehow hacks into the weapons facility using laser eyes. It might not be for reasons they intended; but that's kind of funny.
What's less amusing is how stone-faced serious Lee is behaving about the experiments. He may be a conniving robotic engineer; but he still had an air of humor about him. He's typically somewhere in between the DCAU variant of The Riddler and Pegasus from Yu-Gi-Oh in both chronology and personality, at least in my case.
Lee then sends mechanical lizards to the surface (it happens), and below the surface; prototype Jack Bots are sent out. It's rare that talking about this franchise is a challenge to stay awake; but here we are.
Back with Jun and Kazuya, they're still debating; and the most interesting things about this review is how it fares as a video game adaptation in a post-Detective Pikachu, post-Sonic, post-Super Mario 2023 landscape. Part of me genuinely wanted this to be good; but when you can't entertain a fan at any age, there is no hope.
Before they can come to blows, Lei and Jack-2 infiltrate the lab; and Lee sends out the prototype Roger; who is a boxing kangaroo. I guess it would be another five years and two games before they came up with Steve Fox (who is easily one of my go-to backups). Not even the fight with sisters/rivals Nina and Anna on the surface can save this OVA. As for Anna somehow being eaten- just a flesh wound; as she continues to appear in the games to this day.
As Jun and Kazuya square off against a bunch of giant lizards (it happens), Professor Bosconovich explains he built Jack-2 with an on-chip learning AI; separate from the other prototypes. Basically, imagine a precursor to Sonny from the I,Robot movie. Yet, here I am just seeing videos of Pokémon by Balenciaga or the Pepperoni Hug Spot.
Back on the surface, Jun and Kazuya continue to fight Lee's experiments, collectively known as "Rex." Did the crew want to make a Jurassic Park adaptation instead? Screw it- there's just under 15 minutes left; let's finish this.
Kazuya breaks the jaw of one Rex like in King Kong, punches a second through the eye and another in the throat. Also, this has been a recurring problem in the movie since the fights began; but there's typically no blood being drawn in the games; at least in the same way it would in other fighting games. Generally, there's more in the way of fisticuffs and combos that set off energy bolts; but I guess that's not really doable on this minuscule budget.
Despite Lee's boasting, Kazuya beats him without breaking a sweat. Even with the devil genes and the island exploding, his final fight with Heihachi is a definite anticlimax. I've seen matches in arcades that excited me way more.
The OVA closes an epilogue, where Jun observes Kazuya training; and is expecting Jin. How cute- they actually thought they were going to make a sequel. Kazuya, Jun- Sinestro says hi.
As you now know, the story of this movie is not for the easily bored. If somebody tries to tell you this is an exciting anime; that it was actually pretty good, somebody lied. Sorry, my head retreated to a better movie- it does that sometimes as a defense mechanism.
With Tekken 8 seeing release this year, the franchise's impact on the fighting game landscape is secure. If only the adaptations could make a similar impact. It may have been the first time the series' energy failed to translate to another medium; but it would not be the last.
If I were to pitch my ideal Tekken adaptation, it would be equal parts JCVD's "Bloodsport" and Steven Chow's "Kung Fu Hustle"- at its core; a martial arts tournament film that treads the line between silly and serious. Heck, the new game's story content is centered around my favorite character; Jin Kazama and it looks completely bonkers (a huge step up from the detective in the last game). Colorblind casting would also be in play; and I would also include the recurring rivalry between Jin and Hwaorang. Most of all, I wouldn't try to change everything about the cast's characterization- Kazuya typically isn't bound with the same code of honor that Ryu from Street Fighter is; and he would own that.
I believe that one day, there will be an adaptation that lives up to the source material. Until that day comes, I suppose I will keep playing the games (definitely getting Tekken 8 when I get a PS5). That's all for now. Get ready for the next battle.
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