Recap: And So it Begins

My From Humble Beginnings Marathon continues! Let's open up "And So it Begins" and keep this ball rolling.

I fully admit to being on the Pokémon side of the Pokémon and Digimon conflict, but as time has passed, I deem it a worthy opponent. Looking back at it, viewing it on hotel TVs during a road trip in 2000, I can say I'm much more receptive to it than I am to other new things that have come out lately.

Anyway, we get the theme song. It's another good one, a piece of scratchy electroclash that signaled the end of the 1990s and the beginning of the 2000s. I'm posting a link of it.

We open on a voice narrating, saying that his home is planet earth, but isn't sure that's where he is right now. I wonder if he's run into any female track stars and rebel princes with wings.

He tells of how the rainforests died, and deserts got flooded with chocolate sauce.
Also, people that can't spell/Japanese animators that don't write/speak very much English got assigned to do lettering on signs, such as this "Howerd Joonson" one. Thanks, but I prefer Donny's.

He goes onto say that he was at summer camp when all this was happening, then, it snowed in July! This Taichi Kamiya, or "Tai" for short. He is the first of a character type of Digidestined that fans often refer to as "goggle-heads", so named because of their goggles and headstrong shonen natures.

Next is Sora Takenouchi, Tai's special lady.

Next is Yamato Ishida, or "Matt" for short. He's what can charitably be called Tai's best friend; though this show is not afraid to show the rough patches of their friendship (I can only imagine how awkward the 02 distant finale made lunch for them afterward).

Next is Koushiro Izumi, or "Izzy". He has to be one of my favorite members of the Digidestined. The computer nerd; he's essentially the person I was at that age, and continue to be.

Someone claims Frontier is a better season than Tamers? We'll see about that!

Next is Mimi Tachikawa. Judging by the pink cowgirl outfit and Southern-isms, she's pretty much Hannah Montana's first cousin, once removed. In fact, she's a part-time lounge singer under the name "Hosannah Alabama."

Next is Takeru Takaishi, or "TK" for short. He is Matt's younger brother. Regarding their different surnames, their parents divorced before the series began. You'll notice in my recap of the Digimon movie that they were staying with their grandmother. By the way, I still don't care for the movie, I find the show to be much better.

Last but not least, my favorite Digidestined, Joe Kido. Tai claims he'd wet his pants if he got scared. Maybe, but not in the way that you think. With the exception of TK, the Digidestined are middle schoolers (high schoolers by the time of the divisive 02); so they're probably going through puberty right now. Well, since I made that joke at Tai's expense in my recap of the movie, now it's Joe's turn.

When I first set foot in the digital world I JIZZED IN MY PANTS.

Then, a huge blizzard kicked up and everybody took cover. Tai and the other Digidestined took cover in a shrine; with Tai snarking that the canoe races were canceled. About the script: Jeff Nimoy and others wrote the bulk of the English dub, using their previous work on Samurai Pizza Cats to make the dialogue feel natural. It's another instance of the gag dub, but in this case, it works because the leads are kids; and therefore, it would be just like real kids to crack jokes about their predicament to lighten the mood.

Naturally, they all want to play in the snow despite being outrageously underdressed for the situation. I plan to do more recaps of this anime next year; but for now, I'm booked solid and behind. Anyway, let's put on some tunes to mark this.

While the others are disappointed they didn't pack snow gear; Izzy is disappointed that his internet connection isn't working; much like mine often isn't working on these recaps.

Smeg! I was trying to complain about how much I was disappointed by The Phantom Menace!

He runs out with the others, and the Aurora Borealis is outside. This is like that great book and/or crappy movie with a golden compass. I forget what it's called.

Joe wants everyone to go back inside, and then, a hole appears in the sky! Meteors come down!

The meteors crash right by them!

Yet, everyone is OK. Yep, we're definitely in a Digimon anime. They remark at how weird it is to have snow in summer and the northern lights in Japan, but almost getting killed by meteors is nothing for your log.

Then, several small trinkets known as Digivices rise from the snow as the children pick them up.

Then, they're sucked into the Digital World by a huge wave! The imagery gets quite strange from there.

Tai then wakes up on the beach, with a Digimon in his face.

Looking into its eyes, it's hypnotic. Like a lava lamp.

 Tai chalks it up to the camp food. I know. That gruel is sometimes so old it has mushrooms growing on it.

Anyway the Digimon starts bouncing around and saying it wants to be Tai's friend. Tai is freaking out that this little thing just fell on his lap.

It introduces itself as Koromon, saying it's Tai's partner.

Izzy has a pink thing beside him, in his words. This is Motimon; a little pink ghost.

Izzy deduces that the Digivices spawned the Digimon.

This is highly logical, like that time I tried to include Sisko in a Kirk vs. Picard debate.

There are many plants there, but the soil is quite common. Also, there are palm trees beside pine trees.

Tai climbs a tree for another view, and can see the ocean on the horizon! And he also sees mountains!

Then, he sees a large Digimon through his telescope!

The beetle Digimon flies right at them and crashes through the trees!

This is Kuwagamon. He comes around again, and Koromon fights him with bubbles.

Tai admires Koromon's bravery, but says he's had better days. Wow, he's taking the whole "trapped in another world and surrounded by strange creatures" thing surprisingly well.

Kuwagamon makes another pass, and Tai and Izzy make a run for it. 

 Motimon then leads them inside a tree. The Digital World is prone to oddities like this. Just go with it, you'll enjoy it more.

You better fasten your seatbelt, Dorothy, because Kansas is going bye-bye!

 Then, it turns out the tree is a perfect hiding place. It's also good for baking cookies in.

Who should give the all-clear but Sora. What do you know. An angel in a blue hat said it's safe.

Sora also has a Digimon. This is Yokomon, a small plant-like Digimon.

This little white Digimon is Tokomon. Izzy points out these keep popping up!

TK comes out from behind the tree, as does Matt, holding another Digimon. This is Tsunomon. Much better than Monsuno, even if it does have a so bad it's good vibe to it.

oe has one as well, and is not happy with it. Just as well. He and his Digimon are polar opposites.

This little scamp is Bukamon, some sort of sea lion with a tuft of orange hair.

Joe is not taking this whole thing well. Perhaps this will help.


They all proclaim themselves to be Digimon: Digital Monsters. Lovely title drop there.

Everyone is in awe at what they're seeing.

The Digimon then start listing off some of their attributes. Tai is pleased to meet them. He then reintroduces Sora, Matt, Joe, Izzy, and TK.

Then, everyone wonders where Mimi is. It turns out she's being chased by Digimon number 7, and Kuwagamon!

Mimi rests, and Tanemon is by her side. It looks like a little flower bud.

Then, they're on the run again! I also notice there are music cues being used from Saban's work on the infamous Masked Rider; a disastrous attempt at adapting Kamen Rider for the US. Now I'm expecting Count Dregon and that stupid chicken-headed starship of his to show up (which is too bad, because the series it was based on, Kamen Rider Black RX is fairly decent, and has nowhere near as many detractors).

They come to a cliff, and a dead end. Kuwagamon makes another pass. Koromon tries to blow more bubbles, but is stricken down. The other Digimon join in and start blowing more bubbles, which takes Kuwagamon down.

All the Digimon are down, and the children ask why they have to be so brave?


Kuwagamon gets back up! That thing just won't let up!

Despite all our rage we are still all just rats in a cage!

The Digidestined won't stand for this, and decide to protect their friends!


The Digimon agree, and they shall stand and fight! The children aren't sure, but the Digimon are eager to get into battle!

The Digimon then bounce out of their tamers' hands and into battle!

I also notice Tokomon has some pretty gnarly teeth for such a little guy!

Impetuous boy! Oh well, who wants to live forever!

Tai races after Koromon, and then, the Digivice on his belt starts to glow!

All the Digivices start to glow on the kids' belts!

A mysterious energy field appears in the sky! The field comes over all the Digimon.

Will you light the sky on fire?

The time has come for Digivolution! Koromon becomes Agumon!

Yokomon becomes Biyomon!

Motimon becomes Tentomon!

Tsunomon becomes Gabumon!

Tokomon becomes Patamon!

Bukamon becomes Gomamon!

Tanemon becomes Palmon!

So, now the Digimon have become bigger and stronger!

Palmon lashes out with Poison Ivy! She tries to snare Kuwagamon, while Patamon uses Boom Bubbles!

I knew I should have taken that job on Beast Wars! It pays well to be an Inferno double!

The Digimon now stand a fighting chance as Agumon unleashes Pepper Breath and Tentomon unleashes Boom Shocker!



They continue to whale on Kuwagamon while calling their attacks. Oh, to be a spry 8-year-old again.

All 7 Digimon then make their stand by each other's side!

Then, all the Digimon attack and once, and Kuwagamon is on fire! 

With this, Kuwagamon is finally down. Also, apparently Jetix ran this in the same block with Power Rangers; as part of Disney's requirements for buying up assets related to Fox Family and Fox Kids. This is part of what led to the franchise sputtering out with their run of Digimon Frontier. They tried to keep it hanging on with Digimon Data Squad (a dub of the well-received Digimon Savers); but the damage had been done. After that, it would be 5 years before Saban bought the rights to the franchise back; put reruns on Nicktoons, and started printing remastered DVDs; and 6 years before Digimon Fusion (the dub of Digimon Xros Wars) started airing on Nickelodeon and Vortexx. I haven't checked what kind of ratings Fusion is getting yet, but if it's anything like when this first aired on Fox Kids back in the day, it got a boost by airing after Power Rangers (and eventually overtook it by Fox pitting it against Pokémon. That's right. That whole rivalry was instigated by network executives at Fox. Many shows fell victim to that ratings battle as a result.).

Everyone is astounded at the Digimon's first victory. Izzy even makes a comment about Kuwagamon being reduced to vaporware. Feel free to make a joke about how Duke Nukem Forever took two console generations, three presidencies, and the entire lifetime of Miley Cyrus to develop (and that's the short version, by the way).

Agumon then runs over to Tai as they hug about their win.

Yet, Kuwagamon gets back up and cracks the cliff face down! And that's how it ends. On a cliffhanger in more ways than one.

So, that's "And So it Begins". It also has definitely aged. Given the looks of the fashions, dialogue, and Izzy's Apple Powerbook-like computer (this is in the days before owning a Mac was popular for ordinary people, or any Apple device for that matter); it wears its '90s origin on its sleeve. Still, it's clear the character dynamic of the series and its ilk works at this early stage. As it goes on, it touches on themes that are actually very deep for a children's anime. Toei also made sure the animation was high-quality for its time. It's another case where even if you're doing a merchandise-driven show like this; you have to treat your audience with respect and do your best to tell a memorable story. In that regard, they succeeded; and I consider it to hold up. With this, I have started to make good on my intent to binge on this anime as a reward for seeing the Endless 8 all the way through. Once again, this recap is a bit late. It's clear that this is going to spill into October, but even as school is starting again, I will have time to work on my Halloween marathon. For the rest of the year, I will be dialing back my output so I have more time for homework, tests, and possibly getting a job on the school paper. See you later!

Recap: The Shooting Star She Saw

 

Hello again. Earlier this year, I did a recap of an episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion; which then led to me doing more recaps of mecha anime. Now, the film Pacific Rim is coming

out this week; which is the first major attempt at a western mecha movie outside the Transformers films. Guillermo Del Toro (Hellboy, Pan's Labyrinth) is directing, citing his massive love for the mecha genre as the reason why he made the film.

Despite the fact that it would seem like a movie that audiences would eat up, many

critics and analysts are wondering if audiences will accept this type of mecha movie; citing

the failure of the film adaptation of the board game Battleship and GDT's lack of experience

with big-budget films.

Still, the idea is admirable. I did mention in my recap of “Both of You, Dance Like You

Want to Win” that Mobile Suit Gundam is one of the most recognizable and popular franchises

among western and Japanese anime fans. The original series may have been canceled, but it proved popular enough in reruns that many sequel series were greenlit and it became a cultural

phenomenon; essentially the Japanese equivalent of Star Trek.

Which brings me to the subject of my recap today: when I was younger, I often saw

advertisements on Cartoon Network for Mobile Suit Gundam Wing. While I never really watched it, it did seem interesting. From what I could gather, Gundam Wing is one of the more

popular entries in the franchise; being heavily praised for its animation and story. It also moved

a lot of toys and other merchandise (I have a Gundam Wing card binder). Given the release

of high-risk venture Pacific Rim; I suppose it's as good a time as any to take a look at this series

and start watching it. So let's open up the first episode of Gundam Wing, “The Shooting Star

That She Saw.”

We open on the theme song. It's pretty good. It has a nice '90s pop beat over imagery

of a world torn apart by war.

We then see a starbase, where several mecha are firing at a space shuttle. Can't let these

people go into space! They hit the shuttle and destroy it.

 

We then get imagery of how humanity left Earth for space; but the United Earth Sphere

Alliance became militaristic and power-hungry in their travels. The year is After Colony 195.

There is a rebellion that seeks to restore freedom to the galaxy by smuggling weapons back to

Earth as shooting stars. Even so, the Alliance catches on to this. Five pods are sent down as

we get our title over one of the titular Gundams.

A group of soldiers are tracking the pods as they descend upon Earth. They contact their

superiors to let them know about this development. We cut to a space shuttle as Lieutenant

Zechs is informed of the pods. He deduces they're related to Operation M. They can only catch

up to one of the pods: the one headed for Eastern Eurasia.

 

One of the pods has someone on it. He notices a civilian shuttle that is re-entering Earth's atmosphere. A young woman named Relena and her father are returning to Earth after

a very long time. Zechs' shuttle finds the pod and catches up to it. Zechs realizes the pilot of the

pod won't shoot down a shuttle just to increase his speed. He then decides to make his move.

The pilot realizes the Alliance is on to him; and exclaims “damn it” at the situation. Do

you know what the hell we have to do to get a damn TV-PG rating? It's not like the premise of

robotic civil war would have been enough? No, we always have to throw in some profanity

to make the teenagers want to watch! The pilot begins entering the atmosphere, and fires his

retro rockets. Zechs' shuttle goes after the pod at full throttle! Zechs is surprised that the pod

has increased speed. Relena looks out the window, and the pod deploys into a jet! Zechs

notices the jet is transforming. Zechs orders his men to open fire. The jet rights itself and

gets ready to face Zechs' shuttle.

Radar, radar, radar rider! Radar, radar, radar!

 

Zechs readies his Mobile Suit, Leo, to meet the pilot's challenge. Zechs shoots down the

jet, and his comrades suggest facing him in the Aries. The jet transforms into a Gundam, and

Zechs' comrades go after him. They hit the Gundam, and it returns fire, annihilating Zechs' comrades! Zechs tries to face the Gundam. He clashes with it and ejects from Leo. Zechs is

in awe at the Mobile Suit. The Mobile Suit lands in the ocean, near Japan.

The shuttle has landed and the man, Mr. Darlan, is being interviewed by the press about

what just happened above Earth's atmosphere. Two officers have a car waiting for Mr. Darlan,

but he declines saying he has things to do for his daughter's birthday. The officers have another

car for Relena, but she also refuses; saying she'll find her own way home. Relena walks along

the seaside; lamenting about father and how busy he is, when she finds the Mobile Suit pilot

on the shore.

A man in military garb is at the opera when he receives a call from Zechs about his Mobile Suit being shot down. The man says this isn't like Zechs. Zechs reveals that the Mobile

Suit was made of Gundanium, which surprises the man. I must also point out how primitive the

man's video phone looks. It's definitely a switch from landline handsets with holographs of the

speaker on the other end. It may have been an indicator of Voice Over Internet Protocol services

like Skype, but it looks like the Alliance buys their electronics at the same store Strong Bad does.

Still, the man and Zechs are surprised at this development, saying this would not have

happened if they were in charge 15 years ago. They know that Gundams are now on Earth. The

man decides to send out some squads to retrieve the suit from the ocean while Zechs sends out

a flotilla to inspect it. The man is named Colonel Tres. His superiors are not happy with Tres

wasting their resources. Then, they get to the next order of business, stopping the coalition of

colonies. Tres, however, has ulterior motives with his organization known as OZ.

 

Back on the beach, Relena takes off the pilot's helmet and notices he's still alive, and

very young. The pilot is surprised, and asks Relena if she saw anything. Some paramedics

get to the beach, but the pilot pushes a button on his suit. In a puff of smoke, he beats up

the paramedics and makes a break for it- by stealing the ambulance! 

We then get a montage of the other Mobile Suit pilots of this series. We have Duo,

wrecking up an Alliance military base.

We see another Mobile Suit with a lot of firepower destroying Nova Base. The pilot's

name is Trowa.

 

We see yet another Mobile Suit attacking Alliance forces in the desert. The pilot's name

is Quatre.

On the sea, we see one more Mobile Suit attacking the alliance flotilla. The pilot's name

is Wu Fei.

 

Back with Zechs, his men are wondering about the search troops. He tells them not to

get so flustered. He then shows them photographs of another Mobile Suit, the last one we saw

in the montage. Zechs says their forces have been depleted, and there are now five Gundams.

 

At school, the students are wondering where Relena is. The girls at one table are jealous

of the fact that she went to space; and notice that it's her birthday tomorrow.

The school has a new student, Hiro Yun. He is the pilot of the Gundam that crashed. Sure enough, he's given the seat next to Relena's. The plot thickens.

 

Relena then invites Hiro to her birthday party, but he declines. Hiro then threatens to kill

her. Relena then wonders what kind of person Hiro is.

I blame the rap music.

“The Shooting Star She Saw” is a great start to Gundam Wing. With a franchise as large

as Gundam, this is indeed a good series to start with. It may have been that I just wasn't ready

for it when I was younger (I was in the Pokémon/Dragon Ball Z crowd). Just as well, the story

is very good, treating its viewers like adults. The animation has held up very well over time.

The characters all have distinct personalities. The villains have clear motivations and are

charismatic in their portrayals. All in all, I am now in the process of watching Gundam Wing

(I try to finish any anime series I'm on before I start new ones). As for my next recap; it will

be on an anime that I dread whenever I press play, but has consistently provided material for

this blog. See you later!

Recap: Distribution

Hello again. As I promised in my recap of "Four Warriors Come out of the Sky", I will do another Transformers recap. This time of one of the series of the Unicron Trilogy, Transformers Energon. Energon is easily the worst of the Unicron Trilogy, which puts it in the running for the worst Transformers animated series in general. There are volumes about the poor animation, writing, voice acting, and pretty much everything about this series. There is a lot of material, but I thought I'd get the worst episode of this series off my chest first. So, let's open up Distribution.

We open on another remix of the original Transformers theme song, this time with a sort of electronic dance beat to it. Just as well, given that the theme song to the last Transformers anime I recapped was also very synthesizer-heavy. That style of music tends to cycle in and out of fashion every decade or so.

As you can tell, the CGI is pretty bad, but trust me when I say it's going to get worse. A lot worse.

So, here we are. The worst episode of the worst Transformers anime, as well as the worst Transformers adaptation I've ever seen. Yes, even worse than the much-reviled Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen. (I explained before in my recap of Four Warriors Come out of the Sky that Transformers Kiss Players is a line I will not cross. I try to keep my blog work-safe, and I've heard Kiss Players borders on hentai.)

We open on Galvatron telling us that before we watch, we should turn on the lights. This is a bit from the Japanese version, Super Link, where not only the Decepticons, but the Autobots say you have to watch in a room that's well-lit. Messages like this appear before some anime I've watched subtitled, either in the form of text on the screen, or before the show starts with the cast telling you to.

We begin on Hot Shot and Rodimus (a name for Hot Rod that's easier for Hasbro to trademark than the latter) greeting the crowd in a giant stadium. Opposite them are Mirage and "some guy in a giant cape-thingy." Those are the exact words the commentators used. As you can tell, the writing is terrible, but from what I've seen from the Japanese version, there's not much that can be done to save it. It's another Transformers episode that ranks with "BOT" among the worst in writing.

Also, Mirage sounds like the late Randy "Macho Man" Savage; which is appropriate given the subject matter of this episode. The Decepticon throws off his cape to reveal that it's Tidal Wave, the massive Decepticon aircraft carrier!

Hot Shot is surprised at Tidal Wave. Of course, you can't really tell, since the CGI is incapable of conveying any facial emotion besides "open and close mouth." It actually gets so bad in parts of the series that they actually had to go back to traditional animation just to convey more emotion. That really is saying something. What's more, Beast Wars came out close to a decade prior and had CGI characters that could convey emotions in their faces. So, just to recap, they have money to spend on CGI, but it's so badly-done that traditional animation is a more convincing special effect. The way they're going, one could buy a lot of the toys on eBay and put on their own little version of Robot Chicken to convey more emotion!

Wow, that was a long rant. We're only a minute in, folks. The episode is 22 minutes long. If you want to watch this, I don't recommend watching it sober.

So, Hot Shot and Rodimus leap towards Mirage and Tidal Wave...

...and it cuts right to them already winning. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va5_rn3vG3A

That's the only time I'm using that in this recap. There are honestly not enough times Krusty the Clown can say that to this slag.

I believe this fits into one of the levels of hell mentioned in the Divine Comedy.

This isn't helped any further by the commentators, who look like a strange blend of Bulma's mom from Dragon Ball Z and T-AI from Transformers: Robots in Disguise. Transformers: Robots In Disguise is a much better Transformers anime, yet it has not gotten a DVD release in the US. Since Hasbro got Transformers Animated on the Hub, I hope they can do the same for Transformers: Robots in Disguise.

You think we'd be working in a place like this if we could afford real snakes?

Alpha Q asks whats going on, as its five faces try to ponder what's happening. They're not the only ones. They determine it's a virtual training program. In other words, a video game. And not a good one like Transformers: War for Cybertron and Transformers: Fall of Cybertron. It's compared to TV wrestling: "you can't tell what's real and what's fake!" Well, your robots look almost as fake as the ones in mockbusters of this series from The Asylum or Video Brinquedo. At one point, Alpha Q suggests changing the channel. Good idea. Switch over to reruns of Star Trek Voyager, folks, these people don't know what they're doing.

We then get Optimus Prime and Wing Saber facing off against Cliffjumper and Landmine. If anything, the deficiencies in the CGI are softened whenever it depicts characters that wear faceplates and don't have visible mouths. By the way, Wing Saber is a character that originated in one of the G1 anime. As far as I know, this is his first official Western appearance to Transformers fans.

Cliffjumper taunts his superior, while Landmine tells him to zip it. Cliffjumper fires back at Landmine. I know most versions of Cliffjumper have him depicted as kind of cocky (I imagine if he appears in Transformers 4, he'll be a red 2015 Camaro concept voiced by Bruce Campbell); but he wouldn't mouth off to the Autobot Commander.

We then get one of the staples of Energon: Power Linking. This was a large gimmick in the Energon toys, and damn it, they're going to show it as much as they can! Optimus and Wing Saber combine.

Only $14.95 each! Available wherever toys are sold!

With this, Optimus Saber just shoots a bunch of lasers at Cliffjumper and Landmine.  They win the match that easily. Ironhide, if you may.

Regarding these still frames: they were making fun of the ad bumpers, or eyecatches that were played on these episodes. You'll be seeing them a lot, folks.

Ironhide and Jetfire face off against Scorponok and...Alpha Q. Yes, really. I think I'm going to be sick.

Ironhide remarks at Alpha Q. Regarding the Energon version of Ironhide. He's essentially the kid-appeal character for this series. He's the one the viewers are supposed to connect with and want to buy the merchandise of. Sadly, they paired him with Kicker Jones, one of my most hated anime characters and one of the most hated Transformers characters ever. We'll do another episode that exposes more of his flaws sometime.

Also, this dub has a lot of usage of "Huh?" to fill dead air. The pages for this anime on TFwiki.net include all the ones in each episode in their "pain count".

Ironhide and Jetfire Power Link, giving us Iron Fire!

Sure enough, Scorponok shoves Alpha Q aside as he clashes with Iron Fire. The fight scene is incoherent and badly-animated, as are all the fight scenes in this episode. So, bad animation, bad writing, and bad dubbing: looks like we have a rush job here. Be very afraid.

They just decide to cut to another fight.

Here is the point where Transformers fans started thinking, "Hey, maybe Beast Machines isn't so bad."

Our next matchup is between a pair of Infernos, Sixshot, and Shockblast. Sixshot is another version of the character from my recap of "Four Warriors Come out of the Sky." This time, he isn't a six-changer. Also, Shockblast is what they're calling Shockwave in this anime (at the time of airing, Hasbro could not secure the trademark "Shockwave".). Shockblast says he wants to smash in Inferno's mainframe. Not only is the CGI terrible, but the character is all wrong. Shockwave, in most given Transformers adaptations, is cold and calculating. He bases all his decisions in logic and science. Shockblast is just another trigger-happy moron that could easily be filled by a different role! Sixshot tells him to calm down. (sighs) Five. Minutes. In. If anything, seeing the legs of the female commentator does soften the pain somewhat.

The Infernos challenge Sixshot and Shockblast. Sixshot suggests they shake hands, and Shockblast shoots them when they come up. So much for chivalry.

The next battle is between Constructicon Maximus and Bruticus Maximus in the Decepticons. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYkpuGIRql0

Up against them is Superion Maximus for the Autobots.

When Constructicon Maximus combines, it is one of the cases where it has to go back to traditional animation, because the CGI is that bad.

Something is seriously wrong here.

I'm serious. Bruticus Maximus also has his transformation scene done with traditional animation to compensate for the ineptitude of the CGI.

This defies all possible logic.

What do you know, Superion Maximus also has his transformation sequence done with traditional animation because of the CGI being so bad.

The fight begins, and it cuts to another one of those eyecatches.

We cut back to the fight with Iron Fire and Scorponok. Scorponok tries to shoot him, but Iron Fire leaps up and holds the Energon Saber up to his throat.

You will get me into a better Transformers show, or off with your head!

The match is called with Iron Fire as the victor. Jetfire congratulates Ironhide.

Prowl and Downshift (the Japanese version called him Wheeljack, once again, Hasbro couldn't get the trademark at the time of airing) attempt to Power Link. They both link with their upper halves.

I know there's a joke here, but I'm above it.

Snowcat and Demolishor then Power Link. Their results aren't any better.

Their eyecatch is an impression of the Fusion Dance from Dragon Ball Z.

You'll be hearing from Akira Toriyama's lawyers, boys.

Rodimus and Hot Shot now face Optimus and Wing Saber. We're just barely halfway through this, folks.

Optimus Saber again takes the stage. Well, I might as well put in The Touch.

After another eyecatch, Optimus Saber tells Rodimus and Hot Shot not to just stand there. He's got a point, this doesn't make sense to people who haven't seen Super Link. Or anyone else, for that matter.

Ironhide and Jetfire now face Shockblast and Sixshot. This is getting more tedious with every passing minute. Jetfire reminds Ironhide it's only a training program. Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that.

We then get a Power Link between Jetfire and Ironhide, producing Jet Hide.

Sixshot simply wiggles his horn and disables Jet Hide. ... What was the point of that? Why do they keep making the fights this bad? What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?

We then get ANOTHER eyecatch with Ironhide calling Jetfire's name!

Superion Maximus then continues his fight. He just goes in guns blazing.




Now, in the second half, all hope of coherent storytelling goes out the window. I say that it's time to put on "Dare to Be Stupid" again.



Back at Hot Shot and Rodimus' fight with Optimus Saber, they are not doing well. They Power Link again, producing Rodimus Shot.

Rodimus Shot punches Optimus Saber so hard that the screen flashes. We still have at least 9 minutes to go.

Is this how you end a fight? Did we run out of ink? The movie better make up for this, I tell you.

Demolishor and Snowcat wonder what their prize is. I can tell you right now: watching this is a booby prize. It's good for taking up space in DVD collections and killing brain cells. That's about it.

Their opponents are Galvatron and Starscream. Demolishor and Snowcat are surprised that they destroyed some of their clones. They talk about taking out their frustration on him, then go back on it immediately.


Optimus Prime comes in to help Superion Maximus, and I honestly don't know what's going on with this design. Energon had some very weird designs; but I've seen Final Fantasy characters with more symmetrical add-ons. Death the Kid would FLIP at this.

Oh, he's combined with the Energon version of Omega Supreme. OK then.

Optimus Supreme just casually walks towards Constructicon Maximus and Bruticus Maximus as he takes their blast. I will admit, this is pretty cool, despite this being such a subpar episode. I think I'll put on Dare to commemorate this.

 Optimus Supreme then leaps into the air, and just grabs Bruticus Maximus by the neck and lifts him into the air. Then, he hurls him into Constructicon Maximus!

DARE! DARE TO BELIEVE YOU CAN SURVIVE! YOU HOLD THE FUTURE IN YOUR HAND!

 Optimus Supreme then flies right out of the ring and grapples them down headfirst!

We've now reached the semifinals. Thank Primus. Hot Shot and Rodimus are up against Sixshot and Shockblast. It quickly devolves into one of each team riding the other. This has quickly turned into a game of Mario Kart.


 Shockblast and Sixshot then start fighting each other. Only 5 minutes left. Let's get this over with.

Sixshot wiggles his horn and disables Shockblast, and tries to do the same to Rodimus and Hot Shot.

Rodimus and Hot Shot then use their internal sparks to block the pain, because it doesn't exist. I pretty much stopped trying to apply logic to this a while ago. I recommend you do the same if you're self-loathing enough to watch this.

Processor over matter...go watch Transformers Animated, it's a better Transformers show.

They again Power Link to Hot Rodimus. That's not just one of my terms to refer to Power Linked robots, that's actually one of the names that Hasbro uses for Hot Rod, because it's easier to trademark. I'm talking a lot about trademarks in this episode, mostly because I'm trying to take my mind off this tripe.

Hot Rodimus shoots Shockblast, and it cuts back to Demolishor and Snowcat being  utterly massacred by Galvatron and Starscream. This is moderately satisfying.

It turns out his next opponent is Optimus Prime. Galvatron will have none of this, and just walks out.

Screw this episode, I'm going home.

We then get another eyecatch with Galvatron demanding to know where his minions are.

We now approach the final match.

Whoever wins, you lose.

The last battle has arrived, and Optimus Prime again brings in Omega Supreme.
They again Power Link to Optimus Supreme.




...And they get disqualified because they stepped outside the ring. WHAT?! You seriously did this? You sunk so low as to cop out of an actual final battle? This is Monster A Go-Go level of wrong!

Anyway, Hot Shot and Rodimus win by default. That means the episode is over, right? Wrong!

They get to battle a special guest fighter! The answer is...Unicron!

...And he's tiny. I know scale tends to be tricky in Transformers, but honestly? You've already sunk as low as you can, and yet you keep asking for more!

Anyway, Unicron transforms to fight.

For a time, I considered sparing your anime Energon. Now you shall witness its dismemberment!

Then, the camera pulls out to reveal that it really was just a game. Typical. The worst ending to the worst episode of the worst Transformers adaptation I've ever seen.

Kicker then comments on the dumb games of the Autobots. In the Japanese version, he more appropriately says there was no point to this, and I agree.

"Distribution" is by far one of the worst episodes I've chosen to recap for this blog. Despite an interesting moment or two, absolutely nothing about it or this series works. It may have camp value, but at times, it reaches a point where it stops being an anime and starts being an exercise in nihilism. As for Kicker, I will probably do another Energon recap that focuses more on him, but my next Transformers-related recap will be on Armada. I mentioned before that I find it OK, but there is a lot to make fun of. Summer vacation has begun, so I will have another recap ready to commemorate the occasion. That's all I have to say, and I will see you later.