Recap: The Yoga Warrior

Hello again. Since Origins month turned out well and I’m going back to school, I thought I would try to eke out one more recap for you all before I see how busy this term will be. 

With on the table, let’s talk Mega Man. Even though Capcom is still treating him less than favorably; things might change soon. In addition to Mega Man Classic Collection coming out and Keiji Inafune’s Mighty No. 9 on the horizon; there is a movie and a new animated series from Man of Action (Ben 10, Generator Rex) in the works. Even so, my reaction to the latter two is “Please let them be good.”

I mean, we’ve already had Captain N turn him into a green guy with no Robot Master powers that sounded like a chain-smoker, and his own cartoon having aged incredibly poorly. You most likely know where this is headed.

That’s right, it’s time to head back to Den Tech City for more NT Warrior! When we last left the series, we had a misadventure involving the Maximum Valor series and a buffoonish villain that’s sure to be mirrored by Yo-Kai Watch launching against Call of Duty: Black Ops III! As you can imagine, there’s yet to be more idiocy on display! So, let’s open up “The Yoga Warrior!”

Once again, I’m skipping this garbled mess of a theme song and replacing it with something more tolerable to listen to. 

We open proper on Dr. Wily chastising is minions, saying they’re a disgrace to World 3. Do you even look at yourself? You look like the mad scientist from the intro to Robot Chicken with how cartoonish you are!

IT'S ALIVE!

Maddie is quick to blame Mega Man; but to be frank, she, Mr. Match and Count Zap are so buffoonish they’d make Team Flare look like professional hitmen! I still think XYZ needs to do something to distinguish them from their campier game counterparts; otherwise they’d be totally redundant with Team Rocket already in play.

Yahoot, the eponymous “Yoga Warrior” enters and begins spouting faux-New Age dialog at us. As you’re about to see, he’s essentially a discount Dhalsim. I may not have played the Battle Network games; but it’s rare to see someone copied from a franchise Capcom isn’t giving the shaft.

We then cut to Mr. Higgsby training for the tournament vigorously. Once again, I’m not doing the tournament; since I have enough to deal with this fall as it is. Instead, watch this nerd that makes me look like the Terminator.

I've seen "Gladiator" 89 times and it just gets better every time!

Lan and May Lu are on their way to train, once again late to to Lan’s net battling. Remind me why I’m supposed to see these guys as heroes again?

Sadly, the training is Yahoot’s program on TV; which is honestly about as useful for actual yoga as the minigame in Grand Theft Auto V. Sadly, I can’t hit Yahoot with my computer the way Michael did to Fabien once he lost all ability to give a fuck in my play through of that game (by the way, anodized aluminum=built to last).

Of course, Yai and Dax “Porkins” are totally enraptured by the program and its ludicrous benefits. Personally, I don’t think a few yoga poses will impact one’s allowance the way a bank account with good interest and planning will (that’s not a joke-that’s actually one of Yahoot’s alleged benefits his techniques provide).

It gets richer: Lan heads to the arcade and spots a potential new battler with a skilled Net Navi. His name is Chaud; though he’s not really as fun as the movie CHUD. In fact, the more I see of him, he’s a real chode. Also, the Net Navis somehow get the idea and ability to “go on ahead;” in Mega Man’s words. Don’t even ask me how that works. 

I know a sinking ship when I see one! TTFN!

Sure enough, even Glide is surprised how enraptured he is in human television.

This series about the ponies and how their friendship is magic is fascinating!

It’s even gotten to the point of being played on the biggest TV in Den Tech City, which has been repaired after the events of “Robotic Fish Gone Wild” (which still sounds like a video series for technophiles with a fish fetish to me).

Mike Nelson: Oh look! It's not often you see the stupidest thing you've ever seen!

Even the likes of Mr. Dugtrio, Miss Mari, and Mesa are mesmerized by it! This has to be bigger bullshit than that protest against the new Muppets for alleged nudity! (Seriously, I saw the pilot; and my laughter towards it seriously makes me want to show One Million Moms “Meet the Feebles.” This is a family show, for chrissakes!)

The first pose is the Grasshopper; which only further compounds how stupid this all is; and not just because everyone but Lan and May Lu is watching.

This is quickly followed by the crane and the pig; and the begging dog; claiming that it’s good for table scraps as “yoga humor” and “avoiding trouble.” … You’re not funny.

Mr. Match scoffs at his silly act; conveniently ignoring their own moronic shenanigans as he puts on his duck face before he reminisces about the old days.

When I was your age, I used to wear an onion on my belt, because it was the style at the time!

Dr. Wily insinuates that because his is the most-watched show on air; his plan will go perfectly, but trust me when I say that it will get much dumber than this quasi-Swedish chef making a pretzel of himself.

Bork bork bork!

Finally, it’s time for the armadillo; which Yahoot claims will aid in concentration in the N1 Grand Prix. To be frank; I’m kind of wishing these techniques could make my limbs stretch like Mr. Fantastic or breathe fire like the Human Torch, even if they were part of a movie that was the biggest disappointment of the summer for many and merely underwhelming for me.

Then, things get even dumber when we’re introduced to Magic Man; who sadly isn’t the one from Adventure Time, or the one Heart sang of.

As Lan and May Lu arrive; Lan observes that Dax is a gorilla, and Yai’s a cat. Somehow, the yoga techniques have made them think they’re animals with Magic Man’s help. Don’t even ask me how that works. I gave up on trying to figure out the logic, or lack of thereof of this anime a long time ago.

Mega Man points out that Magic Man did this with a “high powered light wave” over the broadcast. That’s fucking stupid. It’s been a while since science class; but I’m fairly certain light doesn’t work that way. Here’s an idea: why not just use subliminal messages like in They Live? Why do you need to make the manipulation so blatantly obvious to make it work?

Obey, consume, reproduce, don't question authority.

Dr. Wily then gloats over his grand design, and apparently his lair even has a giant portrait of himself inside! Yet, he seems to lack the self-awareness that the head of the Takarada corporation in Kill la Kill had (I may consider doing the episodes involving him in 2016 to illustrate this and explain why he caught on more here than in Japan, much to Trigger’s confusion).

It gets richer: EVERYONE in the city thinks they’re animals! This plot has been done to death in all kinds of animation, and this episode brings nothing new to the table except some fauxlosophical self-help guru that makes Brad Goodman look like the poster child for modern psychology!

Seriously: they devour groceries in the store, hang from buildings, and even chase people up trees! I certainly hope that whatever the plan is for the new show and movie; it involves a straighter version of a young man gaining a robotic suit of armor and fighting the robot masters and a mad scientist!

Then, World 3 is affected by the Yoga as well. Great fucking job, guys. Great job. So, due to this technique; all the most competent and level-headed characters are entranced and the day must be saved by an egotistical idiot and his flame.

Do you even care? I don't think I do anymore.

Somehow, Miyu has become “a flying squirrel that can actually fly.” So, a flying squirrel then? We’re only 9 minutes in, folks. We still have 11 more to cover. Lan even wonders why Magic Man and Yahoot would do this anyway. Lan would be great on my blog.

Anyway, he deduces he needs to head to the TV station in order to stop the broadcast. I hate to be a hard-on about this, but Lan isn’t exactly the late great “Rowdy” Roddy Piper for that kind of assault.

He tries to plug in, but gets stopped by random civilians acting like dogs. Wow, does this hero suck. It’s a shame that Brad Swaile had to go through this shit before he got cast as Light Yagami. Magic Man somehow manages to beat him there. Don’t try to make him intimidating, guys. It’s not worth it after the Count Zap debacle I dealt with last time. Then, Dax; still in his gorilla mode, starts manhandling one of the civilians in a suggestive manner.

Just... look at it.

Yai also bites another one in the ass.

Let this screencap represent how Capcom has been treating this franchise for some time.

This enables Lan to help Mega Man engage Magic Man in battle as he prattles some faux-ominous poetry while Yahoot looks on. More people try to attack Lan and May Lu, but Dax starts thrashing around like Donkey Kong at them! 

In a plot point that’s incredibly tedious, Mega Man is just firing wildly at Magic Man’s screens while trying to find the real one. I really wish I were watching Beyblade right now. Sure enough, he finds him, and I honestly don’t care what’s going on right now. I’m just trying to liven this up even though it’s not easy. Maybe this will help. 

Undeterred by Mega Man’s threats, Magic Man then starts sending viruses that seem to be modeled after enemies from games I actually have played, in the classic and X series games. 

Yahoot is also in the TV studio posing atop a bunch of chairs. Remind me why I’m supposed to take this seriously? Or are you going to pull the “it’s just a show” excuse as if it were a “get out of criticism free” card? It doesn’t work for “The Bicker The Better,” and it doesn’t work here. 

Mega Man then starts getting the upper hand with help from Lan’s battle chips. However, it turns that Yahoot anticipated this move. Of course he did.

Mega Man activates the Wide Sword, but Magic Man somehow catches a blade of pure energy. This should be cool, but it doesn’t make any sense; nor anything else in the anime.

Then, when Magic Man readies his finishing move; what should happen now? A mysterious figure causes him to use it on himself instead.

Mr. Plinkett: You know, it really creates a lot of tension when the enemy is totally ineffective!

Magic Man is forced to log out, and Lan confronts Yahoot as a result. Don’t try to make this interesting, guys. It’s not worth it.

Now, in its defense, Yahoot does at least agree to reverse his spell without any real-life fighting. You see, Yo-Kai Watch? THIS is how you do a nonviolent solution.

It also turns out Mega Man was saved by Proto Man ex machina. Isn’t that a kick in the pants? Yet, even he talks down to Mega Man!

Is everyone in this anime a total ass?

So, we close on Lan vowing to beat Proto Man. Still not doing the tournament arc. Take my word for it: the results are less than desirable. There’s also some inane comedy, and the shock that the dub was cowritten by Steve Blum. As in Spike Spiegel, Leeron, and Roger from The Big O. Just as well, I better wrap this up.

“The Yoga Warrior” is so inane a viewing experience that it will instantly get you to switch to Pilates. While it may not be as bad as some other episodes I’ve recapped; there’s just a lot that doesn’t make sense about Mega Man NT Warrior; though I admit a lot of it may come from my unfamiliarity with the games. Even so, the animation and writing just aren’t getting any better. 

One more thing: since I’m going to be busy with Spanish and tangling with financial aid, this is going to be the last recap for a while, so check back in October for Halloween-related material, including yet more Yo-Kai Watch! See you space cowboy! 

Recap: Distribution

Hello again. As I promised in my recap of "Four Warriors Come out of the Sky", I will do another Transformers recap. This time of one of the series of the Unicron Trilogy, Transformers Energon. Energon is easily the worst of the Unicron Trilogy, which puts it in the running for the worst Transformers animated series in general. There are volumes about the poor animation, writing, voice acting, and pretty much everything about this series. There is a lot of material, but I thought I'd get the worst episode of this series off my chest first. So, let's open up Distribution.

We open on another remix of the original Transformers theme song, this time with a sort of electronic dance beat to it. Just as well, given that the theme song to the last Transformers anime I recapped was also very synthesizer-heavy. That style of music tends to cycle in and out of fashion every decade or so.

As you can tell, the CGI is pretty bad, but trust me when I say it's going to get worse. A lot worse.

So, here we are. The worst episode of the worst Transformers anime, as well as the worst Transformers adaptation I've ever seen. Yes, even worse than the much-reviled Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen. (I explained before in my recap of Four Warriors Come out of the Sky that Transformers Kiss Players is a line I will not cross. I try to keep my blog work-safe, and I've heard Kiss Players borders on hentai.)

We open on Galvatron telling us that before we watch, we should turn on the lights. This is a bit from the Japanese version, Super Link, where not only the Decepticons, but the Autobots say you have to watch in a room that's well-lit. Messages like this appear before some anime I've watched subtitled, either in the form of text on the screen, or before the show starts with the cast telling you to.

We begin on Hot Shot and Rodimus (a name for Hot Rod that's easier for Hasbro to trademark than the latter) greeting the crowd in a giant stadium. Opposite them are Mirage and "some guy in a giant cape-thingy." Those are the exact words the commentators used. As you can tell, the writing is terrible, but from what I've seen from the Japanese version, there's not much that can be done to save it. It's another Transformers episode that ranks with "BOT" among the worst in writing.

Also, Mirage sounds like the late Randy "Macho Man" Savage; which is appropriate given the subject matter of this episode. The Decepticon throws off his cape to reveal that it's Tidal Wave, the massive Decepticon aircraft carrier!

Hot Shot is surprised at Tidal Wave. Of course, you can't really tell, since the CGI is incapable of conveying any facial emotion besides "open and close mouth." It actually gets so bad in parts of the series that they actually had to go back to traditional animation just to convey more emotion. That really is saying something. What's more, Beast Wars came out close to a decade prior and had CGI characters that could convey emotions in their faces. So, just to recap, they have money to spend on CGI, but it's so badly-done that traditional animation is a more convincing special effect. The way they're going, one could buy a lot of the toys on eBay and put on their own little version of Robot Chicken to convey more emotion!

Wow, that was a long rant. We're only a minute in, folks. The episode is 22 minutes long. If you want to watch this, I don't recommend watching it sober.

So, Hot Shot and Rodimus leap towards Mirage and Tidal Wave...

...and it cuts right to them already winning. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va5_rn3vG3A

That's the only time I'm using that in this recap. There are honestly not enough times Krusty the Clown can say that to this slag.

I believe this fits into one of the levels of hell mentioned in the Divine Comedy.

This isn't helped any further by the commentators, who look like a strange blend of Bulma's mom from Dragon Ball Z and T-AI from Transformers: Robots in Disguise. Transformers: Robots In Disguise is a much better Transformers anime, yet it has not gotten a DVD release in the US. Since Hasbro got Transformers Animated on the Hub, I hope they can do the same for Transformers: Robots in Disguise.

You think we'd be working in a place like this if we could afford real snakes?

Alpha Q asks whats going on, as its five faces try to ponder what's happening. They're not the only ones. They determine it's a virtual training program. In other words, a video game. And not a good one like Transformers: War for Cybertron and Transformers: Fall of Cybertron. It's compared to TV wrestling: "you can't tell what's real and what's fake!" Well, your robots look almost as fake as the ones in mockbusters of this series from The Asylum or Video Brinquedo. At one point, Alpha Q suggests changing the channel. Good idea. Switch over to reruns of Star Trek Voyager, folks, these people don't know what they're doing.

We then get Optimus Prime and Wing Saber facing off against Cliffjumper and Landmine. If anything, the deficiencies in the CGI are softened whenever it depicts characters that wear faceplates and don't have visible mouths. By the way, Wing Saber is a character that originated in one of the G1 anime. As far as I know, this is his first official Western appearance to Transformers fans.

Cliffjumper taunts his superior, while Landmine tells him to zip it. Cliffjumper fires back at Landmine. I know most versions of Cliffjumper have him depicted as kind of cocky (I imagine if he appears in Transformers 4, he'll be a red 2015 Camaro concept voiced by Bruce Campbell); but he wouldn't mouth off to the Autobot Commander.

We then get one of the staples of Energon: Power Linking. This was a large gimmick in the Energon toys, and damn it, they're going to show it as much as they can! Optimus and Wing Saber combine.

Only $14.95 each! Available wherever toys are sold!

With this, Optimus Saber just shoots a bunch of lasers at Cliffjumper and Landmine.  They win the match that easily. Ironhide, if you may.

Regarding these still frames: they were making fun of the ad bumpers, or eyecatches that were played on these episodes. You'll be seeing them a lot, folks.

Ironhide and Jetfire face off against Scorponok and...Alpha Q. Yes, really. I think I'm going to be sick.

Ironhide remarks at Alpha Q. Regarding the Energon version of Ironhide. He's essentially the kid-appeal character for this series. He's the one the viewers are supposed to connect with and want to buy the merchandise of. Sadly, they paired him with Kicker Jones, one of my most hated anime characters and one of the most hated Transformers characters ever. We'll do another episode that exposes more of his flaws sometime.

Also, this dub has a lot of usage of "Huh?" to fill dead air. The pages for this anime on TFwiki.net include all the ones in each episode in their "pain count".

Ironhide and Jetfire Power Link, giving us Iron Fire!

Sure enough, Scorponok shoves Alpha Q aside as he clashes with Iron Fire. The fight scene is incoherent and badly-animated, as are all the fight scenes in this episode. So, bad animation, bad writing, and bad dubbing: looks like we have a rush job here. Be very afraid.

They just decide to cut to another fight.

Here is the point where Transformers fans started thinking, "Hey, maybe Beast Machines isn't so bad."

Our next matchup is between a pair of Infernos, Sixshot, and Shockblast. Sixshot is another version of the character from my recap of "Four Warriors Come out of the Sky." This time, he isn't a six-changer. Also, Shockblast is what they're calling Shockwave in this anime (at the time of airing, Hasbro could not secure the trademark "Shockwave".). Shockblast says he wants to smash in Inferno's mainframe. Not only is the CGI terrible, but the character is all wrong. Shockwave, in most given Transformers adaptations, is cold and calculating. He bases all his decisions in logic and science. Shockblast is just another trigger-happy moron that could easily be filled by a different role! Sixshot tells him to calm down. (sighs) Five. Minutes. In. If anything, seeing the legs of the female commentator does soften the pain somewhat.

The Infernos challenge Sixshot and Shockblast. Sixshot suggests they shake hands, and Shockblast shoots them when they come up. So much for chivalry.

The next battle is between Constructicon Maximus and Bruticus Maximus in the Decepticons. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYkpuGIRql0

Up against them is Superion Maximus for the Autobots.

When Constructicon Maximus combines, it is one of the cases where it has to go back to traditional animation, because the CGI is that bad.

Something is seriously wrong here.

I'm serious. Bruticus Maximus also has his transformation scene done with traditional animation to compensate for the ineptitude of the CGI.

This defies all possible logic.

What do you know, Superion Maximus also has his transformation sequence done with traditional animation because of the CGI being so bad.

The fight begins, and it cuts to another one of those eyecatches.

We cut back to the fight with Iron Fire and Scorponok. Scorponok tries to shoot him, but Iron Fire leaps up and holds the Energon Saber up to his throat.

You will get me into a better Transformers show, or off with your head!

The match is called with Iron Fire as the victor. Jetfire congratulates Ironhide.

Prowl and Downshift (the Japanese version called him Wheeljack, once again, Hasbro couldn't get the trademark at the time of airing) attempt to Power Link. They both link with their upper halves.

I know there's a joke here, but I'm above it.

Snowcat and Demolishor then Power Link. Their results aren't any better.

Their eyecatch is an impression of the Fusion Dance from Dragon Ball Z.

You'll be hearing from Akira Toriyama's lawyers, boys.

Rodimus and Hot Shot now face Optimus and Wing Saber. We're just barely halfway through this, folks.

Optimus Saber again takes the stage. Well, I might as well put in The Touch.

After another eyecatch, Optimus Saber tells Rodimus and Hot Shot not to just stand there. He's got a point, this doesn't make sense to people who haven't seen Super Link. Or anyone else, for that matter.

Ironhide and Jetfire now face Shockblast and Sixshot. This is getting more tedious with every passing minute. Jetfire reminds Ironhide it's only a training program. Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that.

We then get a Power Link between Jetfire and Ironhide, producing Jet Hide.

Sixshot simply wiggles his horn and disables Jet Hide. ... What was the point of that? Why do they keep making the fights this bad? What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?

We then get ANOTHER eyecatch with Ironhide calling Jetfire's name!

Superion Maximus then continues his fight. He just goes in guns blazing.




Now, in the second half, all hope of coherent storytelling goes out the window. I say that it's time to put on "Dare to Be Stupid" again.



Back at Hot Shot and Rodimus' fight with Optimus Saber, they are not doing well. They Power Link again, producing Rodimus Shot.

Rodimus Shot punches Optimus Saber so hard that the screen flashes. We still have at least 9 minutes to go.

Is this how you end a fight? Did we run out of ink? The movie better make up for this, I tell you.

Demolishor and Snowcat wonder what their prize is. I can tell you right now: watching this is a booby prize. It's good for taking up space in DVD collections and killing brain cells. That's about it.

Their opponents are Galvatron and Starscream. Demolishor and Snowcat are surprised that they destroyed some of their clones. They talk about taking out their frustration on him, then go back on it immediately.


Optimus Prime comes in to help Superion Maximus, and I honestly don't know what's going on with this design. Energon had some very weird designs; but I've seen Final Fantasy characters with more symmetrical add-ons. Death the Kid would FLIP at this.

Oh, he's combined with the Energon version of Omega Supreme. OK then.

Optimus Supreme just casually walks towards Constructicon Maximus and Bruticus Maximus as he takes their blast. I will admit, this is pretty cool, despite this being such a subpar episode. I think I'll put on Dare to commemorate this.

 Optimus Supreme then leaps into the air, and just grabs Bruticus Maximus by the neck and lifts him into the air. Then, he hurls him into Constructicon Maximus!

DARE! DARE TO BELIEVE YOU CAN SURVIVE! YOU HOLD THE FUTURE IN YOUR HAND!

 Optimus Supreme then flies right out of the ring and grapples them down headfirst!

We've now reached the semifinals. Thank Primus. Hot Shot and Rodimus are up against Sixshot and Shockblast. It quickly devolves into one of each team riding the other. This has quickly turned into a game of Mario Kart.


 Shockblast and Sixshot then start fighting each other. Only 5 minutes left. Let's get this over with.

Sixshot wiggles his horn and disables Shockblast, and tries to do the same to Rodimus and Hot Shot.

Rodimus and Hot Shot then use their internal sparks to block the pain, because it doesn't exist. I pretty much stopped trying to apply logic to this a while ago. I recommend you do the same if you're self-loathing enough to watch this.

Processor over matter...go watch Transformers Animated, it's a better Transformers show.

They again Power Link to Hot Rodimus. That's not just one of my terms to refer to Power Linked robots, that's actually one of the names that Hasbro uses for Hot Rod, because it's easier to trademark. I'm talking a lot about trademarks in this episode, mostly because I'm trying to take my mind off this tripe.

Hot Rodimus shoots Shockblast, and it cuts back to Demolishor and Snowcat being  utterly massacred by Galvatron and Starscream. This is moderately satisfying.

It turns out his next opponent is Optimus Prime. Galvatron will have none of this, and just walks out.

Screw this episode, I'm going home.

We then get another eyecatch with Galvatron demanding to know where his minions are.

We now approach the final match.

Whoever wins, you lose.

The last battle has arrived, and Optimus Prime again brings in Omega Supreme.
They again Power Link to Optimus Supreme.




...And they get disqualified because they stepped outside the ring. WHAT?! You seriously did this? You sunk so low as to cop out of an actual final battle? This is Monster A Go-Go level of wrong!

Anyway, Hot Shot and Rodimus win by default. That means the episode is over, right? Wrong!

They get to battle a special guest fighter! The answer is...Unicron!

...And he's tiny. I know scale tends to be tricky in Transformers, but honestly? You've already sunk as low as you can, and yet you keep asking for more!

Anyway, Unicron transforms to fight.

For a time, I considered sparing your anime Energon. Now you shall witness its dismemberment!

Then, the camera pulls out to reveal that it really was just a game. Typical. The worst ending to the worst episode of the worst Transformers adaptation I've ever seen.

Kicker then comments on the dumb games of the Autobots. In the Japanese version, he more appropriately says there was no point to this, and I agree.

"Distribution" is by far one of the worst episodes I've chosen to recap for this blog. Despite an interesting moment or two, absolutely nothing about it or this series works. It may have camp value, but at times, it reaches a point where it stops being an anime and starts being an exercise in nihilism. As for Kicker, I will probably do another Energon recap that focuses more on him, but my next Transformers-related recap will be on Armada. I mentioned before that I find it OK, but there is a lot to make fun of. Summer vacation has begun, so I will have another recap ready to commemorate the occasion. That's all I have to say, and I will see you later.

Recap: Cobra Strike

Hello again. It's been a solid while since I've done a recap, hasn't it? Well, I've been busy packing to move; and I will probably do so this week. I have the notes taken for the recap, but due to time constraints, I'm not going to be able to write up my recap in Open Office like I normally do. I'm going to copy and paste my notes on Blogger, and fill in the rest on my own.

So, what am I going to recap today? Well, with GI Joe Retaliation finally coming out after being delayed for several months; I've been feeling in kind of a GI Joe mood. It just so happens that there is a GI Joe anime that aired a while back. It is GI Joe Sigma Six, a series produced by anime studio Gonzo; commissioned by Hasbro to sell the incarnation of the GI Joe action figure line of the same name.

As I remember, it's not very good, and with this in mind, you're in for a big rant today. So let's open up "Cobra Strike" and see just how useful knowing about this anime will be in battle.

Crappy anime at five clicks!

We open on the North Pole. So, they were ruining this location even before GI Joe The Rise of Cobra.

22 seconds in, and we get mecha. And no, Gonzo doesn't work the same magic they do with Full Metal Panic in combining mecha and paramilitary combat.




Also, the CGI is just trash. We're talking Asylum levels here.

The mecha are from Cobra. This is almost as asinine as the nanomite solution from GI Joe The Rise of Cobra. Sorry, I'm going to keep my hatred for that movie at a minimum, and focus on this anime.

Now, here comes the theme song. The original theme song is a classic, and I'm posting a link of it to prove it. Now, let's hear a memory that I very carefully blocked out and has since been dredged up.



Stop Cobra Stop Cobra Stop Cobra! The narration manages to butcher the credo of the team in the first few seconds. Somebody should have given the editor/lyricist some Ritalin.

The tune is full of quiet-loud-quiet-loud bleating, and the imagery is full of rough cuts and staggered edits.

You know, this came out at a time when GI Joe was losing ground to stuff like Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh. If they were trying to commission an anime to horn in on that market, this was NOT the way to accomplish it!

Bleugh. This is an even worse theme song and opening than Mega Man NT Warrior. And that is saying something.





We start off with Duke and Scarlett in snowmobile-tanks and-

*piff* (bursts out laughing) Oh my! And I thought the CGI texture work and ice physics in Rise of Cobra were bad! OK, I'm not going to make any more Rise of Cobra jokes; but for the record, I'm going to keep track of how many Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made.

We get some exposition from Duke about how they captured Cobra Commander last month, and have been training since then. So, bad animation, bad music, and bad writing. We're only 2 and a half minutes in, folks. Not too late to change the channel.

By the way, you can't see this from the screencaps, but there's been a ludicrous amount of shaky cam in this anime. You know, that technique that looks like the scene is shot with a handheld camcorder that's been in most action movies made since Armageddon? If they're trying to use these tactics to get kids to like GI Joe again, it's not working.

We also get Scarlett, and boy is she disappointing. She doesn't even have the right shade of red in her hair, but I guess "Strawberry Blonde" wouldn't have sold as many toys.





Snake Eyes, so far, is the only one that's really been represented well, which isn't surprising as he was one of the first Western interpretations of ninjas. The way he's slicing up these Cobra mecha is one of the few good things about this anime.

Oh, and apparently he has a couple apprentices, Jinx and Kanekura.

Our next operative is Long Range. What's up with him? He looks like a mixture of Dan Hibiki and Tamaki from Deadman Wonderland! You know, there's a line between bishonen and unsightly vile. Thankfully, Long Range is nowhere near that line, he's just unsightly vile.

Now we're in the Amazon? And the exposition is still going? Hey, they're called "transitions." Use them!

Anyway, we get Heavy Duty, who's part of the Joes' Amazon base, in charge of supply caches.

Duke remarks he's strong as an elephant. He also looks like one, given that his features are warped to David Lynch proportions.

Tunnel Rat. Demolitions expert. Too bad he's not as worth having in your collection as Firefly or Stalker.

High Tech is in command of their base in Arizona. Yet, I just don't find him as appealing a techie as Breaker.

So, that was almost 4 minutes of exposition. Somethings that I decided not to screencap from it include Heavy Duty getting scared by a mouse (Rise of Cobra Jokes I could have made: 1) and Tunnel Rat eating a cockroach. Little side note: this incarnation of GI Joe was canceled due to poor ratings; even though toy sales were relatively decent. (Rise of Cobra Jokes I could have made: 2)


Oh, by Roshi's beard, he's still going! He's still spouting off exposition! The only diegetic dialogue we've had so far is from a damn computer! Get on with it!


So, now we arrive at Cobra's base. As per usual, it's typical cartoon supervillain architecture of a giant cobra.

We see Destro and the Baroness playing chess. They seem to have retained their respective Scottish and Eastern European accents; as well as their relationship.

Still, we can't really see their faces that well because of the chessboard and other holographs. Given how the anime character designs aren't very good; this is a bonus.

Destro wins the game, represented by a barely-readable piece of Engrish saying "Destro's Win."

Ho boy, what is Baroness wearing? Why aren't there any sleeves on her suit? Why is she wearing Freddy Kruger claws for gloves? Five minutes in. This episode is 21 minutes long. Expect a lot of asking questions like that in this recap.

Anyway, she summons the Cobra Vipers to strike on the other bases. We are then treated to a rather supple bust shot. Least we can have her sex appeal and entertain someone, and I say that as a guy who got really angry over Tamaki's misogynistic treatment of Haruhi.

Thank heaven for small favors.

Back in the Amazon, Tunnel Rat flops over a chair, and Heavy Duty tells him to get back to work. The dialogue here is rather...Bay-like.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H15TT8CKltM


The way Tunnel Rat complains... he's definitely the character that I really don't like in this anime. Even though Heavy Duty looks worse than Birdie and he speaks like John Coffey after his fifth absorption of burden; he's still a relatively decent character. Most GI Joe collections have figures that usually are sucky members. Usually, you only own them because they came with a vehicle or had a weapon you wanted.

Hey, doors don't open like that. There's a number. HE'S IN THE HALL!

As Tunnel Rat continues to whine, Heavy Duty just shoves him back into work. I could honestly watch that for a loop of 15 minutes.

Tunnel Rat opens the door to get the rest of their equipment, and in comes a wave of badly-composited Cobra mecha. Seriously, Joel, Mike, Servo, and Crow would have a field day with this.

A typical reaction from anyone who sees this anime.

Here's a charming sight- one of the mecha is pointing its gun right at the screen. Good job, scare the kids into keeping it on this waste of animation!

They left their weapons outside. They're part of GI Joe, one of the most well-known paramilitary forces in all of popular culture, and they left their weapons outside. If they're making stupid mistakes like this, I'd sooner trust Hogan's Heroes in combat then I would these ass clowns!

Enter Storm Shadow back at the North Pole. He is Snake Eyes rival, as they trained under the same sensei. In some stories, because their sensei favored Snake Eyes instead of him, Storm Shadow betrayed and murdered their sensei; which led to Snake Eyes taking a vow of silence.

While Snake Eyes takes on Storm Shadow, Jinx and Kanekura try to evade more Cobra mecha. The action here is clumsy and badly-edited. I haven't been this close to motion sickness from a movie or TV show since Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Same deal of bad camera work and shots that last less than 5 seconds.

They have wrist lasers to deal with the mecha. ... Somebody call my therapist.



Yet, they just keep sending more mecha after them. It's turned into a bloody video game!

Naturally, Duke and Scarlett plow through the mecha with their snowmobile-tanks; and Storm Shadow makes a dry comment and slips away. Looks like my statement of this anime turning into a video game is correct. All that's missing is my brother's Xbox controller.


Back in the Amazon, Heavy Duty and Tunnel Rat are cornered. Tunnel Rat decides to sacrifice their supplies by tossing a handful of grenades at the mecha, and then they dive away from the explosion. Yep, this is slowly but surely turning into a game of Metal Slug. (Rise of Cobra Jokes I could have made: 3)

So, Cobra has a castle in the arctic.

The castle is firing at them. I am seriously running out of things to say about this anime, and I'm not even halfway through. (Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made: 4)

Duke calls in Long Range for backup. He barrels in with an armored Humvee. As I said, some GI Joe figures are only in a person's collection because they were packed with a vehicle.

OK, just because you can use CGI for battles, doesn't mean you should. (Rise of Cobra Jokes I could have made: 5)

Another thing, the voice acting is horrid. The lines are delivered with a mess of different accents and makes it so the voice "acting" is anything but. Was there valium in the water in the recording studio?

Heavy Duty berates Tunnel Rat for taking out their supplies, and Tunnel Rat makes another quip as he eats a worm. Oh, that's wonderful. You're making Tommy Chong's food look like gourmet cooking.

Duke contacts High Tech to get a schematic of Cobra's base. I'm still wishing they could have had Breaker in this role. (Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made: 6)


Oh, the truck is called the Rhino. That name was inherited from sister series MASK, which was acquired by Hasbro when they bought out Kenner in the early 1990s.

True to its namesake, the Rhino is a truck that turns into a helicopter.

As Scarlett flies the helicopter toward the base, I remain adamant in my belief that this episode was a starting point for a GI Joe Sigma Six video game that was ultimately never released.

Naturally, we have even more Cobra mecha, but these are black instead of blue.

Scarlett handily dispatches the mecha, and begins attacking the base. (Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made: 7)

Long Range decides to put the pedal to the metal so they can shut off the base's shield from the inside, and it naturally has an unnecessarily slow-moving door.

Duke has a mecha too? I get the feeling this was also a concept for a revival of Transformers Vs. GI Joe, but it never came to fruition. It could also be said that the military becoming the main humans in Transformers 4 may also be the seed of a Transformers Vs. GI Joe movie; but I daresay I'm getting ahead of myself.

Duke storms into Destro and Baroness' chamber, brandishing his sidearm. 14 minutes in; I'm not getting that back.

t turns out that they were only holographs, and Duke asks High Tech to run some "searchware." There's no such thing as "searchware."

Then, wouldn't you know it, Cobra's base is collapsing, and the voiceover work is truly atrocious.

Scarlett thinks the tower is on fire. No it isn't, it's collapsing. Structurally unsound. It's coming down anyway.




Snake Eyes, Jinx, and Kanekura come in and slice apart more mecha. You see? That traditionally animated stuff is decent, why don't you put in more of that?

The tower is a rocket, and Scarlett delivers the line "Oh no! Duke is still inside that thing!" with the caliber of Tommy Wiseau.



Scarlett says that it's not a tower at all, it's a rocket. Everybody who doesn't have the observational skill of a floor lamp has already figured this out.

As if the rocket wasn't enough, it's rigged to blow up. It's clear that the situation has reached Joel Schumacher-level camp.

So, I'm not kidding, High Tech actually tries to decrypt the rocket so Scarlett can fire a cable onto it so Duke can escape. The Digimon movie's "Our War Game" segment didn't have this level of idiocy. I can't believe I actually said something positive about that movie.


This whole sequence was clearly conceived by people who don't know anything about hacking, much like the bulk of depictions of hacking in movies and on TV. Seto Kaiba's L33T HAXXOR skills were more believable than this.

Now we're on a skydive scene with little oxygen and no pressure suit. This is trying way too hard to be EXTREME! for the kids.

I don't believe this. Duke actually dove without a chute, and Scarlett actually flew the helicopter lower to catch up to him! This is going past anime ludicrousness and straight into the insanity of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon!

Despite the rapid drop in altitude, Scarlett manages to right the helicopter in a situation where it would have crashed and they would be GI Roadkill. All right. Cue the music.


Suddenly, the ice starts breaking. (Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made: 8)

The Cobra base is an aircraft carrier. I say just go with it, we've only got a minute left.

Back at HQ, Duke addresses the other Joes about Cobra's threat.

Well, now I know why I don't remember this anime. Frankly, I didn't want to remember this anime! I am honestly appalled that we as humanity could put such a blight on TV! And you know what? Years later, they put out a really good GI Joe show with anime influence, GI Joe Resolute!

"Cobra Strike" is definitely one of the worst episodes I've had to recap for this blog. Everything about it seems like it was just thrown together. The animation, the writing, the voice acting-it's easily the Ninja Turtles: Next Mutation of the franchise. I just hope that GI Joe Retaliation is better than this. I will not be doing another recap until after I move, which should be in mid-April. See you space cowboy.