Recap: The Yoga Warrior

Hello again. Since Origins month turned out well and I’m going back to school, I thought I would try to eke out one more recap for you all before I see how busy this term will be. 

With on the table, let’s talk Mega Man. Even though Capcom is still treating him less than favorably; things might change soon. In addition to Mega Man Classic Collection coming out and Keiji Inafune’s Mighty No. 9 on the horizon; there is a movie and a new animated series from Man of Action (Ben 10, Generator Rex) in the works. Even so, my reaction to the latter two is “Please let them be good.”

I mean, we’ve already had Captain N turn him into a green guy with no Robot Master powers that sounded like a chain-smoker, and his own cartoon having aged incredibly poorly. You most likely know where this is headed.

That’s right, it’s time to head back to Den Tech City for more NT Warrior! When we last left the series, we had a misadventure involving the Maximum Valor series and a buffoonish villain that’s sure to be mirrored by Yo-Kai Watch launching against Call of Duty: Black Ops III! As you can imagine, there’s yet to be more idiocy on display! So, let’s open up “The Yoga Warrior!”

Once again, I’m skipping this garbled mess of a theme song and replacing it with something more tolerable to listen to. 

We open proper on Dr. Wily chastising is minions, saying they’re a disgrace to World 3. Do you even look at yourself? You look like the mad scientist from the intro to Robot Chicken with how cartoonish you are!

IT'S ALIVE!

Maddie is quick to blame Mega Man; but to be frank, she, Mr. Match and Count Zap are so buffoonish they’d make Team Flare look like professional hitmen! I still think XYZ needs to do something to distinguish them from their campier game counterparts; otherwise they’d be totally redundant with Team Rocket already in play.

Yahoot, the eponymous “Yoga Warrior” enters and begins spouting faux-New Age dialog at us. As you’re about to see, he’s essentially a discount Dhalsim. I may not have played the Battle Network games; but it’s rare to see someone copied from a franchise Capcom isn’t giving the shaft.

We then cut to Mr. Higgsby training for the tournament vigorously. Once again, I’m not doing the tournament; since I have enough to deal with this fall as it is. Instead, watch this nerd that makes me look like the Terminator.

I've seen "Gladiator" 89 times and it just gets better every time!

Lan and May Lu are on their way to train, once again late to to Lan’s net battling. Remind me why I’m supposed to see these guys as heroes again?

Sadly, the training is Yahoot’s program on TV; which is honestly about as useful for actual yoga as the minigame in Grand Theft Auto V. Sadly, I can’t hit Yahoot with my computer the way Michael did to Fabien once he lost all ability to give a fuck in my play through of that game (by the way, anodized aluminum=built to last).

Of course, Yai and Dax “Porkins” are totally enraptured by the program and its ludicrous benefits. Personally, I don’t think a few yoga poses will impact one’s allowance the way a bank account with good interest and planning will (that’s not a joke-that’s actually one of Yahoot’s alleged benefits his techniques provide).

It gets richer: Lan heads to the arcade and spots a potential new battler with a skilled Net Navi. His name is Chaud; though he’s not really as fun as the movie CHUD. In fact, the more I see of him, he’s a real chode. Also, the Net Navis somehow get the idea and ability to “go on ahead;” in Mega Man’s words. Don’t even ask me how that works. 

I know a sinking ship when I see one! TTFN!

Sure enough, even Glide is surprised how enraptured he is in human television.

This series about the ponies and how their friendship is magic is fascinating!

It’s even gotten to the point of being played on the biggest TV in Den Tech City, which has been repaired after the events of “Robotic Fish Gone Wild” (which still sounds like a video series for technophiles with a fish fetish to me).

Mike Nelson: Oh look! It's not often you see the stupidest thing you've ever seen!

Even the likes of Mr. Dugtrio, Miss Mari, and Mesa are mesmerized by it! This has to be bigger bullshit than that protest against the new Muppets for alleged nudity! (Seriously, I saw the pilot; and my laughter towards it seriously makes me want to show One Million Moms “Meet the Feebles.” This is a family show, for chrissakes!)

The first pose is the Grasshopper; which only further compounds how stupid this all is; and not just because everyone but Lan and May Lu is watching.

This is quickly followed by the crane and the pig; and the begging dog; claiming that it’s good for table scraps as “yoga humor” and “avoiding trouble.” … You’re not funny.

Mr. Match scoffs at his silly act; conveniently ignoring their own moronic shenanigans as he puts on his duck face before he reminisces about the old days.

When I was your age, I used to wear an onion on my belt, because it was the style at the time!

Dr. Wily insinuates that because his is the most-watched show on air; his plan will go perfectly, but trust me when I say that it will get much dumber than this quasi-Swedish chef making a pretzel of himself.

Bork bork bork!

Finally, it’s time for the armadillo; which Yahoot claims will aid in concentration in the N1 Grand Prix. To be frank; I’m kind of wishing these techniques could make my limbs stretch like Mr. Fantastic or breathe fire like the Human Torch, even if they were part of a movie that was the biggest disappointment of the summer for many and merely underwhelming for me.

Then, things get even dumber when we’re introduced to Magic Man; who sadly isn’t the one from Adventure Time, or the one Heart sang of.

As Lan and May Lu arrive; Lan observes that Dax is a gorilla, and Yai’s a cat. Somehow, the yoga techniques have made them think they’re animals with Magic Man’s help. Don’t even ask me how that works. I gave up on trying to figure out the logic, or lack of thereof of this anime a long time ago.

Mega Man points out that Magic Man did this with a “high powered light wave” over the broadcast. That’s fucking stupid. It’s been a while since science class; but I’m fairly certain light doesn’t work that way. Here’s an idea: why not just use subliminal messages like in They Live? Why do you need to make the manipulation so blatantly obvious to make it work?

Obey, consume, reproduce, don't question authority.

Dr. Wily then gloats over his grand design, and apparently his lair even has a giant portrait of himself inside! Yet, he seems to lack the self-awareness that the head of the Takarada corporation in Kill la Kill had (I may consider doing the episodes involving him in 2016 to illustrate this and explain why he caught on more here than in Japan, much to Trigger’s confusion).

It gets richer: EVERYONE in the city thinks they’re animals! This plot has been done to death in all kinds of animation, and this episode brings nothing new to the table except some fauxlosophical self-help guru that makes Brad Goodman look like the poster child for modern psychology!

Seriously: they devour groceries in the store, hang from buildings, and even chase people up trees! I certainly hope that whatever the plan is for the new show and movie; it involves a straighter version of a young man gaining a robotic suit of armor and fighting the robot masters and a mad scientist!

Then, World 3 is affected by the Yoga as well. Great fucking job, guys. Great job. So, due to this technique; all the most competent and level-headed characters are entranced and the day must be saved by an egotistical idiot and his flame.

Do you even care? I don't think I do anymore.

Somehow, Miyu has become “a flying squirrel that can actually fly.” So, a flying squirrel then? We’re only 9 minutes in, folks. We still have 11 more to cover. Lan even wonders why Magic Man and Yahoot would do this anyway. Lan would be great on my blog.

Anyway, he deduces he needs to head to the TV station in order to stop the broadcast. I hate to be a hard-on about this, but Lan isn’t exactly the late great “Rowdy” Roddy Piper for that kind of assault.

He tries to plug in, but gets stopped by random civilians acting like dogs. Wow, does this hero suck. It’s a shame that Brad Swaile had to go through this shit before he got cast as Light Yagami. Magic Man somehow manages to beat him there. Don’t try to make him intimidating, guys. It’s not worth it after the Count Zap debacle I dealt with last time. Then, Dax; still in his gorilla mode, starts manhandling one of the civilians in a suggestive manner.

Just... look at it.

Yai also bites another one in the ass.

Let this screencap represent how Capcom has been treating this franchise for some time.

This enables Lan to help Mega Man engage Magic Man in battle as he prattles some faux-ominous poetry while Yahoot looks on. More people try to attack Lan and May Lu, but Dax starts thrashing around like Donkey Kong at them! 

In a plot point that’s incredibly tedious, Mega Man is just firing wildly at Magic Man’s screens while trying to find the real one. I really wish I were watching Beyblade right now. Sure enough, he finds him, and I honestly don’t care what’s going on right now. I’m just trying to liven this up even though it’s not easy. Maybe this will help. 

Undeterred by Mega Man’s threats, Magic Man then starts sending viruses that seem to be modeled after enemies from games I actually have played, in the classic and X series games. 

Yahoot is also in the TV studio posing atop a bunch of chairs. Remind me why I’m supposed to take this seriously? Or are you going to pull the “it’s just a show” excuse as if it were a “get out of criticism free” card? It doesn’t work for “The Bicker The Better,” and it doesn’t work here. 

Mega Man then starts getting the upper hand with help from Lan’s battle chips. However, it turns that Yahoot anticipated this move. Of course he did.

Mega Man activates the Wide Sword, but Magic Man somehow catches a blade of pure energy. This should be cool, but it doesn’t make any sense; nor anything else in the anime.

Then, when Magic Man readies his finishing move; what should happen now? A mysterious figure causes him to use it on himself instead.

Mr. Plinkett: You know, it really creates a lot of tension when the enemy is totally ineffective!

Magic Man is forced to log out, and Lan confronts Yahoot as a result. Don’t try to make this interesting, guys. It’s not worth it.

Now, in its defense, Yahoot does at least agree to reverse his spell without any real-life fighting. You see, Yo-Kai Watch? THIS is how you do a nonviolent solution.

It also turns out Mega Man was saved by Proto Man ex machina. Isn’t that a kick in the pants? Yet, even he talks down to Mega Man!

Is everyone in this anime a total ass?

So, we close on Lan vowing to beat Proto Man. Still not doing the tournament arc. Take my word for it: the results are less than desirable. There’s also some inane comedy, and the shock that the dub was cowritten by Steve Blum. As in Spike Spiegel, Leeron, and Roger from The Big O. Just as well, I better wrap this up.

“The Yoga Warrior” is so inane a viewing experience that it will instantly get you to switch to Pilates. While it may not be as bad as some other episodes I’ve recapped; there’s just a lot that doesn’t make sense about Mega Man NT Warrior; though I admit a lot of it may come from my unfamiliarity with the games. Even so, the animation and writing just aren’t getting any better. 

One more thing: since I’m going to be busy with Spanish and tangling with financial aid, this is going to be the last recap for a while, so check back in October for Halloween-related material, including yet more Yo-Kai Watch! See you space cowboy! 

Recap: Traffic Light Chaos

(Note: This recap was originally intended as the final recap of 2012, but my schedule ended up slipping. Instead, it will be the first recap of 2013.)

Hello again. Well, my blog has completed its first year online. A lot has happened in anime since then. Dubbing companies have closed their doors and their assets absorbed by

other ones. The popular Toonami block has been revived for a new generation of anime fans

as well as the ones that grew up watching it. Long-running franchises have had even more

success. Digital distribution is quickly becoming the norm.

And what of my blog itself? Well, I've skewered several bad episodes and a bad movie

of anime; in a manner similar to personalities on That Guy With The Glasses or The Agony Booth (especially the latter before it shifted its focus from text recaps to video recaps). So,

with 2013 on the horizon, I think I'll take another look at a series from a bygone era.

That's right, it's time to go back to Den Tech City to look at Mega Man NT Warrior.

In the time since my recap of the first episode, Mega Man celebrated his 25^th anniversary with

little more than an iOS game. Fans, not wanting the Blue Bomber to spend his first quarter- century with something so dull, crafted a game called Street Fighter X Mega Man; a freeware

fighting game with all the fun and intensity of the other Capcom fighting crossovers. Capcom

was so impressed that they decided to fund a complete version of the game. I celebrated it by

playing Mega Man X for the first time; but that's not important right now. The Mega Man Battle

Network games were created to celebrate Mega Man's 15^th anniversary in 2002; with the Mega

Man NT Warrior anime not far behind.

I never really played the Battle Network games or watched the anime, but Mega Man

NT Warrior's first episode was a doozy. It featured a future of absolutely everything being

connected to the internet, even when it doesn't make sense to. We had oven fires in electric ranges. We had Dr. Wily dressing like someone from Sea Lab 2021. We had a hero that lashes

out and whines when he doesn't get his way; and he's shockingly voiced by a man who would

hold the powers of life and death in his hands in a later role. So, as you can imagine, it was

pretty stupid.

Naturally, I realized that there was plenty of material I could mine for recaps out of

the series. While the second episode was relatively innocuous, the third episode is the one

I decided to recap today. So, let's open up “Traffic Light Chaos” and plug into the cyber matrix.

(I think I got a broken capillary just from typing that...)

We get the same narration from Lan to start us off. Something I didn't notice before, is

that Lan compares life in Den Tech City to living in a video game. If it were, I'd imagine there'd

be more people swearing up storms while playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 2. He states that

everything is connected to the internet. It's a wonder how that works, since I have to constantly

tell my MacBook to run Flash since it tells me the plugin is out of date every time I go online.

He gets to the PET units. Once again, most given smart phones can do this sort of thing better,

and more. Also, part of the reason we don't have flying cars is because most drivers would wreck them texting or playing Cut The Rope.

It turns out the viruses that cause most problems in the episodes are caused by

an evil organization known as World 3. Gee, and I try to beat Air Man and Boomer Kuwanger

late at night.

Oh lordy, the theme song. It does not get better when you listen to it. It sounds like

a bad version of the Beastie Boys' “Sabotage.” On top of that, the editing is a garbled mess

of fast edits and jaggy cuts; full of more neon than Joel Schumacher crammed into Batman

Forever.

We open on a limousine with a little girl in it. Her name is Yai Ayano. What do I think

of her? Just imagine Paris Hilton, all the Kardashians, Willie Scott, and any given TV child

of privilege combined into one and you'll get the idea.

Naturally, she also has a Net Navi, ready to be turned into a licensed product for

the 6-11 demographic. Said product can be had on eBay for around $10.99 on Buy It Now.

We cut to the school. Lan and his lady friend are skating in. The animation is still

kind of wonky, but I admit it has improved somewhat. Another thing I missed from the last

Mega Man recap: the girl's name is May Lu. She's one of the more tolerable characters, even

if her voice actress can't seem to break an octave. Wake up!

Once again, we have Dax. I still find it odd how the future has everyone and their significant other on the Internet, but haven't had any breakthroughs in bringing down at-risk

people on the Body Mass Index.

So, Yai's limo pulls in, rolls out the proverbial red carpet, and out the little Regina Rich

steps. Braided hair, a little red dress, red Mary Janes, and a forehead that would make Neo Cortex scoff. Seriously, her forehead shines for no reason.

Yai has arrived, and she makes a big production out of transferring from a prep school

and being skipped ahead two grades. She says she enjoys long novels, going to the opera,

composing music, and judging art exhibits. … Do Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and

The Hunger Games Trilogy count as long novels?

On top of that, she actually brought a DVD of herself to show the class. Aside from

the fact that my middle school didn't get its first DVD players till 2006, I think even Tony

Stark would call this egotistical.

After her little home movie ends, Yai excels at writing (even if her prose isn't as funny

as the stuff on the blackboard in Pani Poni Dash)...

...And arithmetic. It's been a while since my last algebra class, but I'm pretty sure she

solved the equation correctly; I was always better at geometry (Note: I screwed up the time

frame on the Digimon movie recap, completely throwing off the setting of the movie. I fully

admit to fudging the numbers.).

Lunchtime has arrived, and the lunch is a shrink-wrapped hot dog, some New England

Clam Chowder, a cylinder of milk, and some sort of bread. I fully admit to being well-fed in

school. I'm still wondering what genius invented the Uncrustable, or what strings they had

to pull to let us have pizza every day.

Yai, however, isn't swayed by this. Oh Arceus, she summons her stewards to have some

foie gras, fruit compote, and vegetable croquettes; complete with a sommelier serving her

strawberry milk. By the way, a sommelier is someone who evaluates the quality of wine. In

fact, Cilan being a Pokémon Connoisseur was originally Dent being a Pokémon Sommelier.

For the main course? Sirloin steak, all the way from Texas. Well, I give the lady credit

for knowing a good piece of beef when she sees one.

We then cut to Dr. Wily's lair. (piff) (bursts out laughing) Oh, sorry. It's just that the Dr.

Wily I knew had more restraint when he chose his hideout. He didn't have this swamp lair like

the Legion of Doom.

(snerk) (bursts out laughing again) Okay, I'm done. It's just that Dr. Wily's getup is so

ridiculous! I know the guy in a white lab coat. I still think he looks like a Venture Brothers villain with the monocle, skull cane, and robe.

Wily confers with another member of World 3, Maddie. You want to know what I think of Maddie? She looks like some floozy you'd find in the reptile district, looking for synthetic

snakeskin.

We cut to Yai's home, and she naturally has a mansion. Just the thing I needed to see

when I had thoughts about putting on a Bane mask and pulling pranks on rich folks.

Lan and Dax actually try to break in through a hole in the fence. Breaking and entering,

and trespassing on private property. Lan, you are a horrible role model for children.

Yai decides to teach the boys a lesson. She activates the security measures in her garden.

Like a killer lawnmower! Oh no! Rotom is loose! Dax makes a comment about getting buzzcuts

from it. Buzzcuts? Most kids that get caught in lawnmowers end up like the giant Nazi from

Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Anyway, Lan and Dax get captured in a cage. Lan tries to use Mega Man to get out, but

Yai's Net Navi, Glide, chastises them for breaking in. The preceding events were so stupid,

I can't even screencap them. I will tell you they involved water cannons and automatic tennis

ball servers, though.

Lan and Dax get sent out through a tube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKUOB8MN4Kc

The next day, we get a class about how important it is to install firewalls and run regular

virus scans on your net-connected devices. I think this is important, but these kids are just

learning why it's important to read books that got banned by other schools, like Fahrenheit 451

and The Catcher in the Rye. Wait until they're a little bit older to tell them about this.

Meanwhile, the traffic control has gone screwy; in yet another cliché. If this keeps up,

it won't take long before we reach the fruit cart being destroyed in a chase scene.

Oh my, this is even dumber than the oven fire in the electric range. Most cities would

not only not be able to afford automated traffic control, but it would actually be a lot worse

than what they're depicting here (namely, all stops are red lights). Our cockamamie programming for our traffic lights makes one street 20 seconds on Green and the other 3 minutes on Green.

I just want to plaster "Tron Lives" all over this place.

It turns out that the traffic lights being fiddled with is caused by Wacko Man. What

a joke. What happened to folks like Gemini Man, Flash Man, Crash Man, and Heat Man?

We also get some stock footage of Mets mining through the internet from episode 1.

Still, it's not as bad as Bakugan reusing the same hat flying off Billy clip every time he attacked.

Look at Maddie. She's wearing an outfit meant for someone 10-15 years younger than

her. She looks like Rika from Digimon Tamers if she hadn't gotten over her angsty phase.

Seriously, look at her clothes. A shirt that hugs her breasts. Tight shorts. Candy cane- colored knee socks. Bright orange sneakers. That has to be some of the worst early-2000s

fashion you could find.

We cut to Yai in the backseat of her car in traffic, and she has to use the bathroom.

Why? Because she wouldn't use the ladies' room at school on the grounds that there were

no gold faucets. Of course, she has to go to the bathroom in the middle of traffic. If she were

male, in the middle of the desert, or both, she could go by the side of the road.

We get a bit of whining about how Yai has to use the bathroom, but how nothing can be

done due to the traffic. You know, there's more piss jokes here than in Transformers. I mean,

I like to put a little bit of toilet humor in my recaps, but this is making the coolant leak scene

in Cars 2 seem dignified.

Naturally, Glide is packing heat in the cyber matrix. I suspected as much. Still, Wacko

Man is upon him and he is forced to logout.

Meanwhile, Lan decides to plug into the cyber matrix and find out what's going on. Why

do they have to put a FireWire port on everything? I may be a nerd, but I draw the line at

going out of the way to make an anime a 52-episode Best Buy commercial.

Mega Man engages Wacko Man. I'm sorry, but I cannot take Wacko Man seriously

as a threat. This is a franchise that had its characters fight Marvel superheroes, Tatsunoko

anime characters, Tekken fighters, and the cast of Street Fighter; so seeing something that

looks like a bad theme park attraction doesn't really measure up.

Back in the real world, Lan notices Yai standing on top of her car. Yai grudgingly admits

her need to relieve herself; and Lan races through town just so he can find Yai a bathroom.

This is almost as bad as Izzy getting the runs from guzzling oolong tea in the Digimon movie.

I can't believe this episode had me reference that movie, let alone twice.

So, after Yai makes her visit to the little girl's room, Lan gets back to fighting Wacko Man. Wacko Man may be one of the most ludicrous villains I've come across in an anime; and

I've seen Masquerade's Elton John look.

Wacko Man multiplies himself, but Mega Man activates his Cyber Sword and slices them apart with some crappy early-2000s CGI. Like one of those Brazilian rip-offs of a

Pixar or Dreamworks movie you see in the $5 bin at K-Mart.

The real Wacko Man logs out, and her master, Maddie, kicks a phone booth in frustration. Yes, I am old enough to know what a phone booth is.

Carrot Top lied to me! 1-800-CALL-ATT my ass!

The next day, Lan, May Lu, and Dax are back at school. Dax makes a comment about his parents confiscating his Net Navi; despite the fact that the thing is hanging around his

neck. Consistency? What's that?

So, how do we end a cliché storm of an episode? You care to show us, Yai? Yai then

pulls in. As you can see, Yai got another limo. A limo in Barbie Pink, and she had a toilet

installed in the back seat to avoid a repeat of what happened before.

“Traffic Light Chaos,” while still a bad episode of a forgettable series, is a slight improvement over the pilot episode. The animation, while still not as good as other series

that were around at the time of airing (such as Yu Yu Hakusho or Shaman King); has improved

a bit. There are some cities that use computerized traffic lights; and there are other movies

and TV shows that have used traffic tie-ups as a plot point, so it's at least plausible that they

could be hacked. However, the fact that the series is based on a web-connected society where

anything and everything is connected to the internet is nonsensical when most people use

the web to watch Gangam Style remixes, look at pictures of cats making humorous statements

about cheeseburgers, and make witty analyses of anime. People have also made clear that Yai

is one of the most hated anime characters in the medium; and I can see why. She covers just

about every rich kid stereotype you can think of. When it first aired, she barely had fans.

Events such as the financial crisis and the Occupy movement made matters worse for rich

folk in fiction. Lan still acts strangely unheroic, and I'm still coming to terms that he's voiced by Brad Swaile; one of the most revered anime voice actors in the industry. With all this in mind, though, they were at least trying with this episode. And so, my first year of recapping anime has passed. More lies ahead for 2013, including more Code Geass R2, Bakugan, and Pokémon; as well as some Transformers anime, some of the Marvel anime (Iron Man, Wolverine, Blade), the next episode of the TMNT anime, and much more. See you space cowboy!

Recap: Mega Man! Plug In!

Hello again. Poor Mega Man. He was such a great video game character;

and he was once Capcom's golden boy. His games sold millions; he was practically everywhere.

Then, all of a sudden, Capcom began shafting their once-beloved character. First, there

was the cancellation of Mega Man Legends 3; even when series creator Keiji Inafune said he

could return to Capcom to finish it. Then, there was the inclusion of the infamous off-model

box art Mega Man in Street Fighter X Tekken. Finally, even though series villain Dr. Wily

was scheduled to appear in the highly-anticipated Disney film Wreck-It Ralph; he was replaced

with Street Fighter's M. Bison. All of a sudden, Capcom was treating their valued character

like crap.

What happened? Not long ago, Capcom was all for support of Mega Man. They

released Mega Man 9 and 10; a throwback to the classic Mega Man games; and extended the

popular X and Zero series. They even kept Mega Man going along well past his 15^th anniversary

with the Battle Network and Star Force games, which I admit that I have never played.

However, Mega Man has been largely unlucky in the field of animation. First,

there was his portrayal in the infamous Captain N: The Game Master; which turned him into

a strange person with a voice like Phil from Rugrats, and they made his armor green instead

of the usual blue. Then, Mega Man got his own cartoon; which was animated by Ruby-Spears.

As in, the Alvin and the Chipmunks guys. The show was bogged down with constant demands

from executives; not the least of which was removing the Japanese art style in favor of a more

Western one, as the Japanese style was deemed “too kiddy” from Ruby-Spears. This was long

before the influx of anime-influenced Western cartoons began to take over TV.

My subject today is an anime based on Mega Man Battle Network, Mega Man

NT Warrior. I never really watched it growing up, so this is going to be a sort of new experience. Just bear with me on this. Here we go.

We open in the year 200X. In the not too distant future, we're down in Deep 13...

A boy named Lan Hikari tells of living in Danjaq City with his friends. I will also point out

that Lan is voiced by Brad Swaile; best known today for voicing Light Yagami in Death

Note.

Lan continues on to say things about PETs how they can be used for battles

with Net Navis. I bet there's some interesting Rule 34 of those.

Lan says he gained access to a great being known as Mega Man. He talks about

how he has to protect the cyber-matrix from computer viruses. I'm just going on record to say

that the character design is nothing special. Let's see if we can dredge up any personality for

these folks.

We then get our theme song. Boy oh boy, it is one of the worst examples of

early-2000s techno and electroclash I've ever listened to. Unlike the piece of the Digimon

theme, which did this sort of thing well; the song here is a ghastly song that is just painful.

 

-->

On top of that, there is a load of imagery being blasted at me. It's like MTV when

they still showed music videos and not trashy reality shows. It may be the most incoherent noise

and static since Box of Danger's Pokémon Abridged.

We open on the inside of a computer. Well, we've never seen the inside of a

computer depicted like this, have we? Tron? Reboot? Why this looks like an ideal computer

simulation! Hold on, I'm putting this on my Google Plus.

Almost immediately, I have gotten completely lost. From what I can gather,

we're fighting an enemy we know nothing about with characters we haven't been introduced

to. Perhaps it's because I've never played the Battle Network games, but my brother's friend

had to nursemaid me throughout this whole episode.

From what I can make out, this is Guts Man we're fighting. This version of him

looks like a bit of a banger.

 

We see a rather generic-looking Net Navi (I think my blood pressure went up

just from typing that) trying to attack Guts Man, and he promptly gets his arm sliced off.

Ho boy, looks like Quorra got into trouble again.

We pull out to an arcade, where we see Guts Man's master, Dax. By the looks

of this guy, he's more like Porkins. 

 

-->

Anyhow, Lan loses the battle. This isn't the only reason he's disappointed. His

next voice acting job is Transformers Energon. Don't worry, we'll get to that one.

 

I should also point out the scaling issues with this arcade in this shot. It is

truly remarkable that this arcade could have so many people in it and still be so empty.

Test marketing for the Xbox 720 got off to a rocky start
when a fan dragged out Steve Ballmer's old Windows commercials.

Another drawback I found to not having played the Battle Network games:

I know nothing about these Net Navis and PET units, but they won't shut up about them!

I know that this anime was a marketing tool for the games and assorted brickerback; but

ShoPro isn't really making an effort to justify the existence of the wares other than just

having them there. By the way, the merchandise can be had for cheap on eBay.

The future of this series looks very average. No flying cars, PET units that look

clumsy compared to my smartphone (even when factoring the Net Navis), and they have not

solved the obesity problem at all.

Lan is depressed about his Net Navi not being up to snuff. Also, this vision

of the future doesn't have hoverboards, but it has clip-on rollerblades.

A fish flies through the air and lands on Lan's lap. It just reminds me of Ghost in the Shell, which I'd rather be watching right now.

Then, a fish merchant enters the scene. For some reason, he sounds like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.

Lan explains to the fish merchant that PET is short for Personal Electronic

Terminal. Like I said, my smartphone does everything it does a lot better. He also talks

about the Net Battles and describes them as “sweet.” Look, Lan, your Net Battles are actually

quite dull and banal; no matter how “sweet” you think they are. Battle scenes I like are in

Princess Mononoke, Sengoku Basara, and Fairy Tail.

Lan heads home, and a whole convoy of fire trucks proceeds to a fire. Jeez,

how many fire trucks do you need? Are the Skull 'Saders in town? It's mentioned that there

have been 10 fires today. I suspect an arsonist is at work.

Lan arrives back home, and is stunned to receive a piece of physical mail

from his father in the age of email. I know, it's like we're back in the old west. The mail

came from Borneo. Lan then acts all stuck up that his father isn't there. You know, there

are people everywhere in this world that want their father more than anything. Lan's

attitude is simply deplorable.

Lan pulls out a disc from the mail. This has the effect of dating the anime, as

digital storage is quickly becoming the norm in computing. Lan goes to his room to download

it. I think he means upload it; but as we'll find, that's the least of this show's problems with

depicting computers.

In Lan's room, we see what appears to be a Space Battleship Yamato poster

on his wall. My respect for him went up a point.

Lan's Windows 8 performance began very awkwardly.

The computer says Lan's file will take three hours to optimize. That's quite

standard if you don't have broadband. The disc does all sorts of strange things to the computer.

It feels like we've entered a really boring seminar for a get-rich-quick scheme. I am also

surprised at how Lan can sleep through his modem making all that noise. I get woken up

if the TV is too loud. He would be the guy that sleeps at a party in college.

So, at 10 minutes in, we finally get to see Mega Man. He's a decent enough

representation of the character, but my unfamiliarity with the Battle Network games nullifies

much of my potential enjoyment. Of course, Lan labels him as puny, and says he'd have a good

Net Navi by fifth grade. Fifth grade? Yet he doesn't appreciate the Net Navi he has? My respect

for Lan went down three points.

All of a sudden, we see that the oven is on fire; yet it's revealed that it's an

electric range. An oven fire in an electric range just carves out a whole new category of failure.

After failing to put it out, Lan deduces that it might be a computer virus. No.

Computer viruses cannot start electrical fires at will. He then states that if the oven is connected

to the internet, that he must plug into it to take care of it. Look, appliances are not just

pathways to the web. It will be a cold day in Hell before I can read my Facebook page on my

toaster or my coffeepot.

Lan then plugs in with Mega Man, and discovers fire viruses are causing the

fire. This is just asinine. I know computer viruses and malware are problems; but they

can't do shit like this.

We then see some Mets. I've never played the Battle Network games, but I know

them from the old Mega Man games. The Mets are mining through the web so they can send

out fire viruses. Dr. Wily must be getting senile.

To coin an overused phrase, some men just want to watch the world burn.

Lan actually manages to put out the fire with Mega Man and his PET. This

has gotten real stupid, real fast.

Lan meets up with Dax and heads to school. Lan mentions that he wants to beat

Dax with Mega Man. The animation here is pretty shoddy. I mean, this came out the same year

in the US as Spirited Away did. Their skating is not X Games material.

They arrive at school for their first class of the day. Somewhat futuristic:

their teacher has Princess Leia's bun hair. Still, it's not that impressive now that they're in

the process of phasing out physical textbooks with digital ones.

Lan and Dax use their PETs to send messages to each other. I don't buy it. The

teacher would snap those things up in an instant. We can't even text message in class, so

what's technically a glorified video game system won't do unless it's lunch break or recess.

Mega Man speaks with Lan, and states that an evil Net Navi could be behind

all the fires. You know, my high school had a student that was intoxicated all the time; most

schools typically do. Could Lan be it? It turns out the controller of the Net Navi was starting

the fires. I wonder what happened to a cigarette lighter.

We then cut to the room of Dr. Wily, as he confers with the man who was using

his Net Navi to start the fires. I also wonder who thought that this design was good for Dr. Wily.

He's practically dressed like a Venture Brothers villain. What was wrong with the white lab coat? Why does he need a monocle?

Finally, at 15 minutes in, we get the so-called Net Battle.

FLASH! AH-HA! SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE!

The battle is very mediocre, with a volley of dull attacks and poor animation.

You were really reaching with “sweet”, Lan.

All of a sudden, another oven fire occurs. Another oven fire? I think we need

a recall on that brand of ovens.

The evil Net Navi has a Scottish controller. The evil Net Navi is named

Torch Man; something of a captain ersatz of Fire Man from the games. Search me.

After Lan rescues a girl from the fire, he goes back in to have Mega Man engage

Torch Man. He says incredibly stilted dialogue such as: “Gotta upload the Battle Chip to Mega

Man before it's too late!” Kid! You just rescued a friend from a fire! Try to keep your priorities

straight, huh?!

That's not even the half of it. He needs these chips to do anything with Mega Man. Where I come from, if you beat the robot Masters, you could get their powers. I'm

totally at a loss at how this system works because of not playing the Battle Network games.

Anyway, Torch Man flees, and the fire is extinguished. Lan hopes his PET

is okay. What? You're concerned about your video game and your friend is being taken to

the hospital for smoke inhalation? Danjaq is one screwed-up town.

Mega Man congratulates Lan for his efforts. Mega Man, you're a wonderful

human being, but this show sucks.

“Mega Man! Plug In!” is an example of how far Mega Man has fallen in

Capcom's eyes in hindsight. The animation is some of the worst I've seen in an anime of its

type; having been made in 2002 but looking like something 10 years older. The writing is

absolutely horrendous; wasting the Mega Man mythology with a load of stock phrases and

a sorry excuse for a plot. The depiction of the future is lifeless and lacks vision. The worst part of it, however, has to be the character of Lan. He does not act appropriately for a hero at all; acting like an entitled bastard when he is truly owed nothing. The fact that he is without his father does nothing to justify how much of a brat he is; talking down to his friends and placing his desire for his gaming habit above the well-being of himself and others. At least with Monsuno; I found it entertaining for being so bad. Here, I feel like a part of me has died;

and I feel far less optimistic for the future of Mega Man. I'm all fired up. Next time, I'm

doing “A Double Dilemma.” Don't miss it.