Recap: Traffic Light Chaos

(Note: This recap was originally intended as the final recap of 2012, but my schedule ended up slipping. Instead, it will be the first recap of 2013.)

Hello again. Well, my blog has completed its first year online. A lot has happened in anime since then. Dubbing companies have closed their doors and their assets absorbed by

other ones. The popular Toonami block has been revived for a new generation of anime fans

as well as the ones that grew up watching it. Long-running franchises have had even more

success. Digital distribution is quickly becoming the norm.

And what of my blog itself? Well, I've skewered several bad episodes and a bad movie

of anime; in a manner similar to personalities on That Guy With The Glasses or The Agony Booth (especially the latter before it shifted its focus from text recaps to video recaps). So,

with 2013 on the horizon, I think I'll take another look at a series from a bygone era.

That's right, it's time to go back to Den Tech City to look at Mega Man NT Warrior.

In the time since my recap of the first episode, Mega Man celebrated his 25^th anniversary with

little more than an iOS game. Fans, not wanting the Blue Bomber to spend his first quarter- century with something so dull, crafted a game called Street Fighter X Mega Man; a freeware

fighting game with all the fun and intensity of the other Capcom fighting crossovers. Capcom

was so impressed that they decided to fund a complete version of the game. I celebrated it by

playing Mega Man X for the first time; but that's not important right now. The Mega Man Battle

Network games were created to celebrate Mega Man's 15^th anniversary in 2002; with the Mega

Man NT Warrior anime not far behind.

I never really played the Battle Network games or watched the anime, but Mega Man

NT Warrior's first episode was a doozy. It featured a future of absolutely everything being

connected to the internet, even when it doesn't make sense to. We had oven fires in electric ranges. We had Dr. Wily dressing like someone from Sea Lab 2021. We had a hero that lashes

out and whines when he doesn't get his way; and he's shockingly voiced by a man who would

hold the powers of life and death in his hands in a later role. So, as you can imagine, it was

pretty stupid.

Naturally, I realized that there was plenty of material I could mine for recaps out of

the series. While the second episode was relatively innocuous, the third episode is the one

I decided to recap today. So, let's open up “Traffic Light Chaos” and plug into the cyber matrix.

(I think I got a broken capillary just from typing that...)

We get the same narration from Lan to start us off. Something I didn't notice before, is

that Lan compares life in Den Tech City to living in a video game. If it were, I'd imagine there'd

be more people swearing up storms while playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 2. He states that

everything is connected to the internet. It's a wonder how that works, since I have to constantly

tell my MacBook to run Flash since it tells me the plugin is out of date every time I go online.

He gets to the PET units. Once again, most given smart phones can do this sort of thing better,

and more. Also, part of the reason we don't have flying cars is because most drivers would wreck them texting or playing Cut The Rope.

It turns out the viruses that cause most problems in the episodes are caused by

an evil organization known as World 3. Gee, and I try to beat Air Man and Boomer Kuwanger

late at night.

Oh lordy, the theme song. It does not get better when you listen to it. It sounds like

a bad version of the Beastie Boys' “Sabotage.” On top of that, the editing is a garbled mess

of fast edits and jaggy cuts; full of more neon than Joel Schumacher crammed into Batman

Forever.

We open on a limousine with a little girl in it. Her name is Yai Ayano. What do I think

of her? Just imagine Paris Hilton, all the Kardashians, Willie Scott, and any given TV child

of privilege combined into one and you'll get the idea.

Naturally, she also has a Net Navi, ready to be turned into a licensed product for

the 6-11 demographic. Said product can be had on eBay for around $10.99 on Buy It Now.

We cut to the school. Lan and his lady friend are skating in. The animation is still

kind of wonky, but I admit it has improved somewhat. Another thing I missed from the last

Mega Man recap: the girl's name is May Lu. She's one of the more tolerable characters, even

if her voice actress can't seem to break an octave. Wake up!

Once again, we have Dax. I still find it odd how the future has everyone and their significant other on the Internet, but haven't had any breakthroughs in bringing down at-risk

people on the Body Mass Index.

So, Yai's limo pulls in, rolls out the proverbial red carpet, and out the little Regina Rich

steps. Braided hair, a little red dress, red Mary Janes, and a forehead that would make Neo Cortex scoff. Seriously, her forehead shines for no reason.

Yai has arrived, and she makes a big production out of transferring from a prep school

and being skipped ahead two grades. She says she enjoys long novels, going to the opera,

composing music, and judging art exhibits. … Do Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and

The Hunger Games Trilogy count as long novels?

On top of that, she actually brought a DVD of herself to show the class. Aside from

the fact that my middle school didn't get its first DVD players till 2006, I think even Tony

Stark would call this egotistical.

After her little home movie ends, Yai excels at writing (even if her prose isn't as funny

as the stuff on the blackboard in Pani Poni Dash)...

...And arithmetic. It's been a while since my last algebra class, but I'm pretty sure she

solved the equation correctly; I was always better at geometry (Note: I screwed up the time

frame on the Digimon movie recap, completely throwing off the setting of the movie. I fully

admit to fudging the numbers.).

Lunchtime has arrived, and the lunch is a shrink-wrapped hot dog, some New England

Clam Chowder, a cylinder of milk, and some sort of bread. I fully admit to being well-fed in

school. I'm still wondering what genius invented the Uncrustable, or what strings they had

to pull to let us have pizza every day.

Yai, however, isn't swayed by this. Oh Arceus, she summons her stewards to have some

foie gras, fruit compote, and vegetable croquettes; complete with a sommelier serving her

strawberry milk. By the way, a sommelier is someone who evaluates the quality of wine. In

fact, Cilan being a Pokémon Connoisseur was originally Dent being a Pokémon Sommelier.

For the main course? Sirloin steak, all the way from Texas. Well, I give the lady credit

for knowing a good piece of beef when she sees one.

We then cut to Dr. Wily's lair. (piff) (bursts out laughing) Oh, sorry. It's just that the Dr.

Wily I knew had more restraint when he chose his hideout. He didn't have this swamp lair like

the Legion of Doom.

(snerk) (bursts out laughing again) Okay, I'm done. It's just that Dr. Wily's getup is so

ridiculous! I know the guy in a white lab coat. I still think he looks like a Venture Brothers villain with the monocle, skull cane, and robe.

Wily confers with another member of World 3, Maddie. You want to know what I think of Maddie? She looks like some floozy you'd find in the reptile district, looking for synthetic

snakeskin.

We cut to Yai's home, and she naturally has a mansion. Just the thing I needed to see

when I had thoughts about putting on a Bane mask and pulling pranks on rich folks.

Lan and Dax actually try to break in through a hole in the fence. Breaking and entering,

and trespassing on private property. Lan, you are a horrible role model for children.

Yai decides to teach the boys a lesson. She activates the security measures in her garden.

Like a killer lawnmower! Oh no! Rotom is loose! Dax makes a comment about getting buzzcuts

from it. Buzzcuts? Most kids that get caught in lawnmowers end up like the giant Nazi from

Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Anyway, Lan and Dax get captured in a cage. Lan tries to use Mega Man to get out, but

Yai's Net Navi, Glide, chastises them for breaking in. The preceding events were so stupid,

I can't even screencap them. I will tell you they involved water cannons and automatic tennis

ball servers, though.

Lan and Dax get sent out through a tube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKUOB8MN4Kc

The next day, we get a class about how important it is to install firewalls and run regular

virus scans on your net-connected devices. I think this is important, but these kids are just

learning why it's important to read books that got banned by other schools, like Fahrenheit 451

and The Catcher in the Rye. Wait until they're a little bit older to tell them about this.

Meanwhile, the traffic control has gone screwy; in yet another cliché. If this keeps up,

it won't take long before we reach the fruit cart being destroyed in a chase scene.

Oh my, this is even dumber than the oven fire in the electric range. Most cities would

not only not be able to afford automated traffic control, but it would actually be a lot worse

than what they're depicting here (namely, all stops are red lights). Our cockamamie programming for our traffic lights makes one street 20 seconds on Green and the other 3 minutes on Green.

I just want to plaster "Tron Lives" all over this place.

It turns out that the traffic lights being fiddled with is caused by Wacko Man. What

a joke. What happened to folks like Gemini Man, Flash Man, Crash Man, and Heat Man?

We also get some stock footage of Mets mining through the internet from episode 1.

Still, it's not as bad as Bakugan reusing the same hat flying off Billy clip every time he attacked.

Look at Maddie. She's wearing an outfit meant for someone 10-15 years younger than

her. She looks like Rika from Digimon Tamers if she hadn't gotten over her angsty phase.

Seriously, look at her clothes. A shirt that hugs her breasts. Tight shorts. Candy cane- colored knee socks. Bright orange sneakers. That has to be some of the worst early-2000s

fashion you could find.

We cut to Yai in the backseat of her car in traffic, and she has to use the bathroom.

Why? Because she wouldn't use the ladies' room at school on the grounds that there were

no gold faucets. Of course, she has to go to the bathroom in the middle of traffic. If she were

male, in the middle of the desert, or both, she could go by the side of the road.

We get a bit of whining about how Yai has to use the bathroom, but how nothing can be

done due to the traffic. You know, there's more piss jokes here than in Transformers. I mean,

I like to put a little bit of toilet humor in my recaps, but this is making the coolant leak scene

in Cars 2 seem dignified.

Naturally, Glide is packing heat in the cyber matrix. I suspected as much. Still, Wacko

Man is upon him and he is forced to logout.

Meanwhile, Lan decides to plug into the cyber matrix and find out what's going on. Why

do they have to put a FireWire port on everything? I may be a nerd, but I draw the line at

going out of the way to make an anime a 52-episode Best Buy commercial.

Mega Man engages Wacko Man. I'm sorry, but I cannot take Wacko Man seriously

as a threat. This is a franchise that had its characters fight Marvel superheroes, Tatsunoko

anime characters, Tekken fighters, and the cast of Street Fighter; so seeing something that

looks like a bad theme park attraction doesn't really measure up.

Back in the real world, Lan notices Yai standing on top of her car. Yai grudgingly admits

her need to relieve herself; and Lan races through town just so he can find Yai a bathroom.

This is almost as bad as Izzy getting the runs from guzzling oolong tea in the Digimon movie.

I can't believe this episode had me reference that movie, let alone twice.

So, after Yai makes her visit to the little girl's room, Lan gets back to fighting Wacko Man. Wacko Man may be one of the most ludicrous villains I've come across in an anime; and

I've seen Masquerade's Elton John look.

Wacko Man multiplies himself, but Mega Man activates his Cyber Sword and slices them apart with some crappy early-2000s CGI. Like one of those Brazilian rip-offs of a

Pixar or Dreamworks movie you see in the $5 bin at K-Mart.

The real Wacko Man logs out, and her master, Maddie, kicks a phone booth in frustration. Yes, I am old enough to know what a phone booth is.

Carrot Top lied to me! 1-800-CALL-ATT my ass!

The next day, Lan, May Lu, and Dax are back at school. Dax makes a comment about his parents confiscating his Net Navi; despite the fact that the thing is hanging around his

neck. Consistency? What's that?

So, how do we end a cliché storm of an episode? You care to show us, Yai? Yai then

pulls in. As you can see, Yai got another limo. A limo in Barbie Pink, and she had a toilet

installed in the back seat to avoid a repeat of what happened before.

“Traffic Light Chaos,” while still a bad episode of a forgettable series, is a slight improvement over the pilot episode. The animation, while still not as good as other series

that were around at the time of airing (such as Yu Yu Hakusho or Shaman King); has improved

a bit. There are some cities that use computerized traffic lights; and there are other movies

and TV shows that have used traffic tie-ups as a plot point, so it's at least plausible that they

could be hacked. However, the fact that the series is based on a web-connected society where

anything and everything is connected to the internet is nonsensical when most people use

the web to watch Gangam Style remixes, look at pictures of cats making humorous statements

about cheeseburgers, and make witty analyses of anime. People have also made clear that Yai

is one of the most hated anime characters in the medium; and I can see why. She covers just

about every rich kid stereotype you can think of. When it first aired, she barely had fans.

Events such as the financial crisis and the Occupy movement made matters worse for rich

folk in fiction. Lan still acts strangely unheroic, and I'm still coming to terms that he's voiced by Brad Swaile; one of the most revered anime voice actors in the industry. With all this in mind, though, they were at least trying with this episode. And so, my first year of recapping anime has passed. More lies ahead for 2013, including more Code Geass R2, Bakugan, and Pokémon; as well as some Transformers anime, some of the Marvel anime (Iron Man, Wolverine, Blade), the next episode of the TMNT anime, and much more. See you space cowboy!