Recap: The Yoga Warrior

Hello again. Since Origins month turned out well and I’m going back to school, I thought I would try to eke out one more recap for you all before I see how busy this term will be. 

With on the table, let’s talk Mega Man. Even though Capcom is still treating him less than favorably; things might change soon. In addition to Mega Man Classic Collection coming out and Keiji Inafune’s Mighty No. 9 on the horizon; there is a movie and a new animated series from Man of Action (Ben 10, Generator Rex) in the works. Even so, my reaction to the latter two is “Please let them be good.”

I mean, we’ve already had Captain N turn him into a green guy with no Robot Master powers that sounded like a chain-smoker, and his own cartoon having aged incredibly poorly. You most likely know where this is headed.

That’s right, it’s time to head back to Den Tech City for more NT Warrior! When we last left the series, we had a misadventure involving the Maximum Valor series and a buffoonish villain that’s sure to be mirrored by Yo-Kai Watch launching against Call of Duty: Black Ops III! As you can imagine, there’s yet to be more idiocy on display! So, let’s open up “The Yoga Warrior!”

Once again, I’m skipping this garbled mess of a theme song and replacing it with something more tolerable to listen to. 

We open proper on Dr. Wily chastising is minions, saying they’re a disgrace to World 3. Do you even look at yourself? You look like the mad scientist from the intro to Robot Chicken with how cartoonish you are!

IT'S ALIVE!

Maddie is quick to blame Mega Man; but to be frank, she, Mr. Match and Count Zap are so buffoonish they’d make Team Flare look like professional hitmen! I still think XYZ needs to do something to distinguish them from their campier game counterparts; otherwise they’d be totally redundant with Team Rocket already in play.

Yahoot, the eponymous “Yoga Warrior” enters and begins spouting faux-New Age dialog at us. As you’re about to see, he’s essentially a discount Dhalsim. I may not have played the Battle Network games; but it’s rare to see someone copied from a franchise Capcom isn’t giving the shaft.

We then cut to Mr. Higgsby training for the tournament vigorously. Once again, I’m not doing the tournament; since I have enough to deal with this fall as it is. Instead, watch this nerd that makes me look like the Terminator.

I've seen "Gladiator" 89 times and it just gets better every time!

Lan and May Lu are on their way to train, once again late to to Lan’s net battling. Remind me why I’m supposed to see these guys as heroes again?

Sadly, the training is Yahoot’s program on TV; which is honestly about as useful for actual yoga as the minigame in Grand Theft Auto V. Sadly, I can’t hit Yahoot with my computer the way Michael did to Fabien once he lost all ability to give a fuck in my play through of that game (by the way, anodized aluminum=built to last).

Of course, Yai and Dax “Porkins” are totally enraptured by the program and its ludicrous benefits. Personally, I don’t think a few yoga poses will impact one’s allowance the way a bank account with good interest and planning will (that’s not a joke-that’s actually one of Yahoot’s alleged benefits his techniques provide).

It gets richer: Lan heads to the arcade and spots a potential new battler with a skilled Net Navi. His name is Chaud; though he’s not really as fun as the movie CHUD. In fact, the more I see of him, he’s a real chode. Also, the Net Navis somehow get the idea and ability to “go on ahead;” in Mega Man’s words. Don’t even ask me how that works. 

I know a sinking ship when I see one! TTFN!

Sure enough, even Glide is surprised how enraptured he is in human television.

This series about the ponies and how their friendship is magic is fascinating!

It’s even gotten to the point of being played on the biggest TV in Den Tech City, which has been repaired after the events of “Robotic Fish Gone Wild” (which still sounds like a video series for technophiles with a fish fetish to me).

Mike Nelson: Oh look! It's not often you see the stupidest thing you've ever seen!

Even the likes of Mr. Dugtrio, Miss Mari, and Mesa are mesmerized by it! This has to be bigger bullshit than that protest against the new Muppets for alleged nudity! (Seriously, I saw the pilot; and my laughter towards it seriously makes me want to show One Million Moms “Meet the Feebles.” This is a family show, for chrissakes!)

The first pose is the Grasshopper; which only further compounds how stupid this all is; and not just because everyone but Lan and May Lu is watching.

This is quickly followed by the crane and the pig; and the begging dog; claiming that it’s good for table scraps as “yoga humor” and “avoiding trouble.” … You’re not funny.

Mr. Match scoffs at his silly act; conveniently ignoring their own moronic shenanigans as he puts on his duck face before he reminisces about the old days.

When I was your age, I used to wear an onion on my belt, because it was the style at the time!

Dr. Wily insinuates that because his is the most-watched show on air; his plan will go perfectly, but trust me when I say that it will get much dumber than this quasi-Swedish chef making a pretzel of himself.

Bork bork bork!

Finally, it’s time for the armadillo; which Yahoot claims will aid in concentration in the N1 Grand Prix. To be frank; I’m kind of wishing these techniques could make my limbs stretch like Mr. Fantastic or breathe fire like the Human Torch, even if they were part of a movie that was the biggest disappointment of the summer for many and merely underwhelming for me.

Then, things get even dumber when we’re introduced to Magic Man; who sadly isn’t the one from Adventure Time, or the one Heart sang of.

As Lan and May Lu arrive; Lan observes that Dax is a gorilla, and Yai’s a cat. Somehow, the yoga techniques have made them think they’re animals with Magic Man’s help. Don’t even ask me how that works. I gave up on trying to figure out the logic, or lack of thereof of this anime a long time ago.

Mega Man points out that Magic Man did this with a “high powered light wave” over the broadcast. That’s fucking stupid. It’s been a while since science class; but I’m fairly certain light doesn’t work that way. Here’s an idea: why not just use subliminal messages like in They Live? Why do you need to make the manipulation so blatantly obvious to make it work?

Obey, consume, reproduce, don't question authority.

Dr. Wily then gloats over his grand design, and apparently his lair even has a giant portrait of himself inside! Yet, he seems to lack the self-awareness that the head of the Takarada corporation in Kill la Kill had (I may consider doing the episodes involving him in 2016 to illustrate this and explain why he caught on more here than in Japan, much to Trigger’s confusion).

It gets richer: EVERYONE in the city thinks they’re animals! This plot has been done to death in all kinds of animation, and this episode brings nothing new to the table except some fauxlosophical self-help guru that makes Brad Goodman look like the poster child for modern psychology!

Seriously: they devour groceries in the store, hang from buildings, and even chase people up trees! I certainly hope that whatever the plan is for the new show and movie; it involves a straighter version of a young man gaining a robotic suit of armor and fighting the robot masters and a mad scientist!

Then, World 3 is affected by the Yoga as well. Great fucking job, guys. Great job. So, due to this technique; all the most competent and level-headed characters are entranced and the day must be saved by an egotistical idiot and his flame.

Do you even care? I don't think I do anymore.

Somehow, Miyu has become “a flying squirrel that can actually fly.” So, a flying squirrel then? We’re only 9 minutes in, folks. We still have 11 more to cover. Lan even wonders why Magic Man and Yahoot would do this anyway. Lan would be great on my blog.

Anyway, he deduces he needs to head to the TV station in order to stop the broadcast. I hate to be a hard-on about this, but Lan isn’t exactly the late great “Rowdy” Roddy Piper for that kind of assault.

He tries to plug in, but gets stopped by random civilians acting like dogs. Wow, does this hero suck. It’s a shame that Brad Swaile had to go through this shit before he got cast as Light Yagami. Magic Man somehow manages to beat him there. Don’t try to make him intimidating, guys. It’s not worth it after the Count Zap debacle I dealt with last time. Then, Dax; still in his gorilla mode, starts manhandling one of the civilians in a suggestive manner.

Just... look at it.

Yai also bites another one in the ass.

Let this screencap represent how Capcom has been treating this franchise for some time.

This enables Lan to help Mega Man engage Magic Man in battle as he prattles some faux-ominous poetry while Yahoot looks on. More people try to attack Lan and May Lu, but Dax starts thrashing around like Donkey Kong at them! 

In a plot point that’s incredibly tedious, Mega Man is just firing wildly at Magic Man’s screens while trying to find the real one. I really wish I were watching Beyblade right now. Sure enough, he finds him, and I honestly don’t care what’s going on right now. I’m just trying to liven this up even though it’s not easy. Maybe this will help. 

Undeterred by Mega Man’s threats, Magic Man then starts sending viruses that seem to be modeled after enemies from games I actually have played, in the classic and X series games. 

Yahoot is also in the TV studio posing atop a bunch of chairs. Remind me why I’m supposed to take this seriously? Or are you going to pull the “it’s just a show” excuse as if it were a “get out of criticism free” card? It doesn’t work for “The Bicker The Better,” and it doesn’t work here. 

Mega Man then starts getting the upper hand with help from Lan’s battle chips. However, it turns that Yahoot anticipated this move. Of course he did.

Mega Man activates the Wide Sword, but Magic Man somehow catches a blade of pure energy. This should be cool, but it doesn’t make any sense; nor anything else in the anime.

Then, when Magic Man readies his finishing move; what should happen now? A mysterious figure causes him to use it on himself instead.

Mr. Plinkett: You know, it really creates a lot of tension when the enemy is totally ineffective!

Magic Man is forced to log out, and Lan confronts Yahoot as a result. Don’t try to make this interesting, guys. It’s not worth it.

Now, in its defense, Yahoot does at least agree to reverse his spell without any real-life fighting. You see, Yo-Kai Watch? THIS is how you do a nonviolent solution.

It also turns out Mega Man was saved by Proto Man ex machina. Isn’t that a kick in the pants? Yet, even he talks down to Mega Man!

Is everyone in this anime a total ass?

So, we close on Lan vowing to beat Proto Man. Still not doing the tournament arc. Take my word for it: the results are less than desirable. There’s also some inane comedy, and the shock that the dub was cowritten by Steve Blum. As in Spike Spiegel, Leeron, and Roger from The Big O. Just as well, I better wrap this up.

“The Yoga Warrior” is so inane a viewing experience that it will instantly get you to switch to Pilates. While it may not be as bad as some other episodes I’ve recapped; there’s just a lot that doesn’t make sense about Mega Man NT Warrior; though I admit a lot of it may come from my unfamiliarity with the games. Even so, the animation and writing just aren’t getting any better. 

One more thing: since I’m going to be busy with Spanish and tangling with financial aid, this is going to be the last recap for a while, so check back in October for Halloween-related material, including yet more Yo-Kai Watch! See you space cowboy!