Recap: Cobra Strike

Hello again. It's been a solid while since I've done a recap, hasn't it? Well, I've been busy packing to move; and I will probably do so this week. I have the notes taken for the recap, but due to time constraints, I'm not going to be able to write up my recap in Open Office like I normally do. I'm going to copy and paste my notes on Blogger, and fill in the rest on my own.

So, what am I going to recap today? Well, with GI Joe Retaliation finally coming out after being delayed for several months; I've been feeling in kind of a GI Joe mood. It just so happens that there is a GI Joe anime that aired a while back. It is GI Joe Sigma Six, a series produced by anime studio Gonzo; commissioned by Hasbro to sell the incarnation of the GI Joe action figure line of the same name.

As I remember, it's not very good, and with this in mind, you're in for a big rant today. So let's open up "Cobra Strike" and see just how useful knowing about this anime will be in battle.

Crappy anime at five clicks!

We open on the North Pole. So, they were ruining this location even before GI Joe The Rise of Cobra.

22 seconds in, and we get mecha. And no, Gonzo doesn't work the same magic they do with Full Metal Panic in combining mecha and paramilitary combat.




Also, the CGI is just trash. We're talking Asylum levels here.

The mecha are from Cobra. This is almost as asinine as the nanomite solution from GI Joe The Rise of Cobra. Sorry, I'm going to keep my hatred for that movie at a minimum, and focus on this anime.

Now, here comes the theme song. The original theme song is a classic, and I'm posting a link of it to prove it. Now, let's hear a memory that I very carefully blocked out and has since been dredged up.



Stop Cobra Stop Cobra Stop Cobra! The narration manages to butcher the credo of the team in the first few seconds. Somebody should have given the editor/lyricist some Ritalin.

The tune is full of quiet-loud-quiet-loud bleating, and the imagery is full of rough cuts and staggered edits.

You know, this came out at a time when GI Joe was losing ground to stuff like Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh. If they were trying to commission an anime to horn in on that market, this was NOT the way to accomplish it!

Bleugh. This is an even worse theme song and opening than Mega Man NT Warrior. And that is saying something.





We start off with Duke and Scarlett in snowmobile-tanks and-

*piff* (bursts out laughing) Oh my! And I thought the CGI texture work and ice physics in Rise of Cobra were bad! OK, I'm not going to make any more Rise of Cobra jokes; but for the record, I'm going to keep track of how many Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made.

We get some exposition from Duke about how they captured Cobra Commander last month, and have been training since then. So, bad animation, bad music, and bad writing. We're only 2 and a half minutes in, folks. Not too late to change the channel.

By the way, you can't see this from the screencaps, but there's been a ludicrous amount of shaky cam in this anime. You know, that technique that looks like the scene is shot with a handheld camcorder that's been in most action movies made since Armageddon? If they're trying to use these tactics to get kids to like GI Joe again, it's not working.

We also get Scarlett, and boy is she disappointing. She doesn't even have the right shade of red in her hair, but I guess "Strawberry Blonde" wouldn't have sold as many toys.





Snake Eyes, so far, is the only one that's really been represented well, which isn't surprising as he was one of the first Western interpretations of ninjas. The way he's slicing up these Cobra mecha is one of the few good things about this anime.

Oh, and apparently he has a couple apprentices, Jinx and Kanekura.

Our next operative is Long Range. What's up with him? He looks like a mixture of Dan Hibiki and Tamaki from Deadman Wonderland! You know, there's a line between bishonen and unsightly vile. Thankfully, Long Range is nowhere near that line, he's just unsightly vile.

Now we're in the Amazon? And the exposition is still going? Hey, they're called "transitions." Use them!

Anyway, we get Heavy Duty, who's part of the Joes' Amazon base, in charge of supply caches.

Duke remarks he's strong as an elephant. He also looks like one, given that his features are warped to David Lynch proportions.

Tunnel Rat. Demolitions expert. Too bad he's not as worth having in your collection as Firefly or Stalker.

High Tech is in command of their base in Arizona. Yet, I just don't find him as appealing a techie as Breaker.

So, that was almost 4 minutes of exposition. Somethings that I decided not to screencap from it include Heavy Duty getting scared by a mouse (Rise of Cobra Jokes I could have made: 1) and Tunnel Rat eating a cockroach. Little side note: this incarnation of GI Joe was canceled due to poor ratings; even though toy sales were relatively decent. (Rise of Cobra Jokes I could have made: 2)


Oh, by Roshi's beard, he's still going! He's still spouting off exposition! The only diegetic dialogue we've had so far is from a damn computer! Get on with it!


So, now we arrive at Cobra's base. As per usual, it's typical cartoon supervillain architecture of a giant cobra.

We see Destro and the Baroness playing chess. They seem to have retained their respective Scottish and Eastern European accents; as well as their relationship.

Still, we can't really see their faces that well because of the chessboard and other holographs. Given how the anime character designs aren't very good; this is a bonus.

Destro wins the game, represented by a barely-readable piece of Engrish saying "Destro's Win."

Ho boy, what is Baroness wearing? Why aren't there any sleeves on her suit? Why is she wearing Freddy Kruger claws for gloves? Five minutes in. This episode is 21 minutes long. Expect a lot of asking questions like that in this recap.

Anyway, she summons the Cobra Vipers to strike on the other bases. We are then treated to a rather supple bust shot. Least we can have her sex appeal and entertain someone, and I say that as a guy who got really angry over Tamaki's misogynistic treatment of Haruhi.

Thank heaven for small favors.

Back in the Amazon, Tunnel Rat flops over a chair, and Heavy Duty tells him to get back to work. The dialogue here is rather...Bay-like.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H15TT8CKltM


The way Tunnel Rat complains... he's definitely the character that I really don't like in this anime. Even though Heavy Duty looks worse than Birdie and he speaks like John Coffey after his fifth absorption of burden; he's still a relatively decent character. Most GI Joe collections have figures that usually are sucky members. Usually, you only own them because they came with a vehicle or had a weapon you wanted.

Hey, doors don't open like that. There's a number. HE'S IN THE HALL!

As Tunnel Rat continues to whine, Heavy Duty just shoves him back into work. I could honestly watch that for a loop of 15 minutes.

Tunnel Rat opens the door to get the rest of their equipment, and in comes a wave of badly-composited Cobra mecha. Seriously, Joel, Mike, Servo, and Crow would have a field day with this.

A typical reaction from anyone who sees this anime.

Here's a charming sight- one of the mecha is pointing its gun right at the screen. Good job, scare the kids into keeping it on this waste of animation!

They left their weapons outside. They're part of GI Joe, one of the most well-known paramilitary forces in all of popular culture, and they left their weapons outside. If they're making stupid mistakes like this, I'd sooner trust Hogan's Heroes in combat then I would these ass clowns!

Enter Storm Shadow back at the North Pole. He is Snake Eyes rival, as they trained under the same sensei. In some stories, because their sensei favored Snake Eyes instead of him, Storm Shadow betrayed and murdered their sensei; which led to Snake Eyes taking a vow of silence.

While Snake Eyes takes on Storm Shadow, Jinx and Kanekura try to evade more Cobra mecha. The action here is clumsy and badly-edited. I haven't been this close to motion sickness from a movie or TV show since Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Same deal of bad camera work and shots that last less than 5 seconds.

They have wrist lasers to deal with the mecha. ... Somebody call my therapist.



Yet, they just keep sending more mecha after them. It's turned into a bloody video game!

Naturally, Duke and Scarlett plow through the mecha with their snowmobile-tanks; and Storm Shadow makes a dry comment and slips away. Looks like my statement of this anime turning into a video game is correct. All that's missing is my brother's Xbox controller.


Back in the Amazon, Heavy Duty and Tunnel Rat are cornered. Tunnel Rat decides to sacrifice their supplies by tossing a handful of grenades at the mecha, and then they dive away from the explosion. Yep, this is slowly but surely turning into a game of Metal Slug. (Rise of Cobra Jokes I could have made: 3)

So, Cobra has a castle in the arctic.

The castle is firing at them. I am seriously running out of things to say about this anime, and I'm not even halfway through. (Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made: 4)

Duke calls in Long Range for backup. He barrels in with an armored Humvee. As I said, some GI Joe figures are only in a person's collection because they were packed with a vehicle.

OK, just because you can use CGI for battles, doesn't mean you should. (Rise of Cobra Jokes I could have made: 5)

Another thing, the voice acting is horrid. The lines are delivered with a mess of different accents and makes it so the voice "acting" is anything but. Was there valium in the water in the recording studio?

Heavy Duty berates Tunnel Rat for taking out their supplies, and Tunnel Rat makes another quip as he eats a worm. Oh, that's wonderful. You're making Tommy Chong's food look like gourmet cooking.

Duke contacts High Tech to get a schematic of Cobra's base. I'm still wishing they could have had Breaker in this role. (Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made: 6)


Oh, the truck is called the Rhino. That name was inherited from sister series MASK, which was acquired by Hasbro when they bought out Kenner in the early 1990s.

True to its namesake, the Rhino is a truck that turns into a helicopter.

As Scarlett flies the helicopter toward the base, I remain adamant in my belief that this episode was a starting point for a GI Joe Sigma Six video game that was ultimately never released.

Naturally, we have even more Cobra mecha, but these are black instead of blue.

Scarlett handily dispatches the mecha, and begins attacking the base. (Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made: 7)

Long Range decides to put the pedal to the metal so they can shut off the base's shield from the inside, and it naturally has an unnecessarily slow-moving door.

Duke has a mecha too? I get the feeling this was also a concept for a revival of Transformers Vs. GI Joe, but it never came to fruition. It could also be said that the military becoming the main humans in Transformers 4 may also be the seed of a Transformers Vs. GI Joe movie; but I daresay I'm getting ahead of myself.

Duke storms into Destro and Baroness' chamber, brandishing his sidearm. 14 minutes in; I'm not getting that back.

t turns out that they were only holographs, and Duke asks High Tech to run some "searchware." There's no such thing as "searchware."

Then, wouldn't you know it, Cobra's base is collapsing, and the voiceover work is truly atrocious.

Scarlett thinks the tower is on fire. No it isn't, it's collapsing. Structurally unsound. It's coming down anyway.




Snake Eyes, Jinx, and Kanekura come in and slice apart more mecha. You see? That traditionally animated stuff is decent, why don't you put in more of that?

The tower is a rocket, and Scarlett delivers the line "Oh no! Duke is still inside that thing!" with the caliber of Tommy Wiseau.



Scarlett says that it's not a tower at all, it's a rocket. Everybody who doesn't have the observational skill of a floor lamp has already figured this out.

As if the rocket wasn't enough, it's rigged to blow up. It's clear that the situation has reached Joel Schumacher-level camp.

So, I'm not kidding, High Tech actually tries to decrypt the rocket so Scarlett can fire a cable onto it so Duke can escape. The Digimon movie's "Our War Game" segment didn't have this level of idiocy. I can't believe I actually said something positive about that movie.


This whole sequence was clearly conceived by people who don't know anything about hacking, much like the bulk of depictions of hacking in movies and on TV. Seto Kaiba's L33T HAXXOR skills were more believable than this.

Now we're on a skydive scene with little oxygen and no pressure suit. This is trying way too hard to be EXTREME! for the kids.

I don't believe this. Duke actually dove without a chute, and Scarlett actually flew the helicopter lower to catch up to him! This is going past anime ludicrousness and straight into the insanity of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon!

Despite the rapid drop in altitude, Scarlett manages to right the helicopter in a situation where it would have crashed and they would be GI Roadkill. All right. Cue the music.


Suddenly, the ice starts breaking. (Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made: 8)

The Cobra base is an aircraft carrier. I say just go with it, we've only got a minute left.

Back at HQ, Duke addresses the other Joes about Cobra's threat.

Well, now I know why I don't remember this anime. Frankly, I didn't want to remember this anime! I am honestly appalled that we as humanity could put such a blight on TV! And you know what? Years later, they put out a really good GI Joe show with anime influence, GI Joe Resolute!

"Cobra Strike" is definitely one of the worst episodes I've had to recap for this blog. Everything about it seems like it was just thrown together. The animation, the writing, the voice acting-it's easily the Ninja Turtles: Next Mutation of the franchise. I just hope that GI Joe Retaliation is better than this. I will not be doing another recap until after I move, which should be in mid-April. See you space cowboy.