Recap: Gabunyan Hazard

Disclaimer: Those who are unfamiliar with Watchmen will probably not enjoy reading this.

“Rorschach’s journal, October 13th, 1985… Why are so few of us left active, healthy, and without personality disorders? …I shall go tell the indestructible man that someone plans to murder him. … Soon there will be war, millions will burn, millions will perish in sickness and misery…

Because there is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this.”

Hello again. Well, since the first week or so of Yo-Kai Watch turned out to be less than what was expected on Disney XD; it seems that much of Nintendo and Level-5’s promotion and New York Comic-Con is scrambling to raise awareness of the game and merchandise; due out in November and January 2016, respectively. 

Even so, I don’t think a Jinbanyan pin is going to be enough of an enticement to sway potential buyers away from Call of Duty: Black Ops III. Even with some competitors I mentioned being pushed to 2016; the season still has Halo 5: Guardians, Star Wars Battlefront (whose beta went over incredibly well); Guitar Hero Live, Rock Band 4; and their biggest competing franchise in Japan, Pokémon Super Mystery Dungeon.

I’m saying, unless Level-5 can really get people interested in the game among mass audiences; I don’t see Yo-Kai Watch being “the next Pokémon” everyone else is hyping it as. No, convention buzz isn’t sufficient for me; since that’s not really an indicator of how a work will do among general audiences. Pacific Rim is a notable example. While passing $100 million in theaters, it cost double that to make, and didn’t really catch on till it came out on DVD and got aired a lot on FX.

Enough about that; since a large part of my theme is Halloween-related stuff for this month, and I’m giving you one more Yo-Kai Watch recap to illustrate my thoughts on the matter. Let’s open up “Gabunyan Hazard” and talk about it. 

We get an opening from Whisper about Halloween traditions, Yokai, all that good stuff; and then adds in a bit what will happen in New Sakura Town (or rather, Springdale) that Halloween. If you’ve never wondered where Yokai come from, I say it’s time you’ve begun!

Once again, I’m skipping the opening in favor of something I can actually stand listening to.

On a dark night, we hear the screams of the eponymous Gabunyan over the night sky.

What a terrible night to have a curse!

We cut to our “heroes” (I use the term with as much weight as Rocky Horror does); Keita, Fumiko, Kanchi, and Kuma marveling at the sights before them that Halloween. Also, as it usually happens when some family-friendly works do a Halloween special with supernatural elements, the Yokai can walk around in plain sight; even without the aid of the Yo-Kai Watch. This actually presents an interesting idea: if the Yokai are such a blight on the townsfolk; why not have them be seen by more people than just Keita? Why pigeonhole yourself by having your protagonist be little more than a vehicle to sell overpriced knick-knacks that nobody needs? 

More on that later, because Keita is apparently meeting his friends for a gathering in town; and doesn’t have a costume ready. … Honestly? I usually tend to have my costume ready a year in advance, if not longer! I’ve been wanting to be a Jedi this year ever since I saw the leaked trailer to The Force Awakens in 2014!

After snubbing a cowboy and Dracula; Jibanyan suggests a sheriff from “a popular Dracula drama.” Okay, first of all, The Walking Dead definitely isn’t a show that kids should be aware of; let alone cosplaying from. Second of all; if it’s a reference meant for my age range, save it. I don’t really care for the show; and I still express incredulity at the fact that it’s lasted six seasons and a spinoff (though I would be willing to play the Telltale game and agree the comics have merit to them).

Before he heads to the train station; Keita decides to take a nap; with Whisper now sharing my sentiment that he has no motivation. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!

After hastily throwing on his costume; he discovers that his mother has started to become a Gabunyan. Yes, you read that right. 

Mike Nelson: Oh look! It's not often you see the stupidest thing you've ever seen!

Yet, Keita is so fucking dense he actually has to question whether or not Mrs. Amano is a vampire! 

It's called EVIL, kid.

It even gets to the point where Jinbanyan has to force him out of the way while he escapes! He even asks what’s going on? That’s a question I ask every time I watch this anime. Even so, despite evidence to the contrary; he’s initially convinced it’s just a costume until he sees it in action! My word, man! Even Fred Jones would find your skepticism to be too heavy-handed! 

Jinbanyan even likens the drama to a documentary. Yeah, and Fox News is non-partisan! Keita’s friends find him; and Keita is ultimately forced to tell his friends about the Yokai threat facing them.

Here is where I decided to write about this episode and how this Halloween episode is easily a microcosm of all my problems with Yo-Kai Watch. I mean, here’s your chance to really show what you can do with all your spooky creatures and monsters; not just use them for bizarre jokes, you could show how they might actually frighten someone? Crazy idea, isn’t it?

Yet, that’s why I never really “got” Yo-Kai Watch, and still don’t as it’s coming stateside. What’s the point of having all these great Yokai on hand if you’re not going to do anything more elaborate than make them glorified dime-store baubles?

Furthermore, it turns out that his friends actually believe him! While it’s one thing to have the Yokai be to blame for Keith accusing Fumiko of being fat (or rather, “Not pretty” in the dub), why limit yourself to having us put ourselves in the shoes of one idiot who makes the likes of Goku, Luffy and Natsu read like a MENSA membership list? My point is; by putting the focus solely on Keita, potential like this is truly lost for showing how the characters work rather than merely telling it. 

So, with the town slowly morphing into Gabunyan; it falls to Keita, Kanchi, Kuma and Fumiko to make a cure and feed it to the head Gabunyan. I’m honestly going to get real sick of typing this before the night is over. 

It also presents how the putting the emphasis on comedy subsequently harms the potential of the concept. With the darker precedent set by Level-5’s own Ni No Kuni, the anime’s fluff approach not only made it harder for me to potentially accept the Yo-Kai Watch video game; but as a kid’s series, the lack of any real danger or nightmare fuel is essentially poison in my veins to me.

It is entirely possible to make a work that’s both dark and family friendly. My favorite works in the genre include moments that stick with me more because of how horrific they can be. Large Marge in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, Gozer in Ghostbusters; Jim Henson’s puppetry in Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal are all key examples I can cite.

The same principles apply with anime as well, especially when targeting young audiences. While I am well aware of the concept of defanged horrors; Yo-Kai Watch goes a step further and effectively has them spayed and neutered a la Bob Barker. Even when their town is overrun by vampiric Yokai; it feels more like reruns of Care Bears than the gothic horrors of Seraph of the End. Yet, I do admire the fact they’re trying here; but as I’m about to tell you, things start to fall apart in the second act like a mess of banged-up Ultron drones. 

IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?!

They try to lure out the real one with an autographed poster of NyaKB (you see what I mean, Viz? This gag isn’t going to make sense if you continue to use it in the context of just calling them a generic “girl group.” Makes about as much sense as simply calling Led Zeppelin a “rock band.”). What could possibly go wrong?

Surprise surprise! They’re all knucking futs about this girl group! Clearly they underestimated the power of the estrogen brigade. It’s the key reason why Pitch Perfect 2 beat Mad Max Fury Road at the box office (guess the aca-Bellas wanted it more than the road warriors). 

Everyone reaches the school; and the G-virus is airborne (so named because I’ve been really busy with Spanish and I’m sick of typing Gabunyan despite being halfway through this piece of shit).

Just as Kuma succumbs to the G-virus; it’s at this point where I realized Yo-Kai Watch was beyond saving for me. I kept watching to make sure I simply wasn’t “getting it,” but this is the 42nd episode. At least 80 and a movie have been subbed. I’m not going to find anything I’ll like besides the high-quality animation now. If I’m going down for this, I’m taking this fucker with me. 

It seems the cure is made of moldy bread, onions and salt. Well, at least it’s easy to find. I don’t know how the merchandise will do here; least of all if it will generate the scarcities on the same level of Cabbage Patch Kids in the ‘80s or Power Rangers in the ‘90s. 

Yet, even Fumiko and Kanchi succumb to the G-Virus; once again leaving the day to be saved solely on Keita’s shoulders.

This goes back to my initial piece on the franchise to this point; as well as to my earlier point about this episode. While this special had some of the potential to be the point where Yo-Kai Watch could truly show off its potential; it instead fell to the same pratfalls the bulk of the series before and since has. Only six minutes left. Let’s go kick some ass.

Keita, Jibanyan and Whisper reach the stage, and all the Gabunyan are waiting for them.

Play the best song in the world or we'll eat your souls!

They spray the vaccine all over the crowds of Gabunyan; hoping for the best. I honestly don’t care what happens to these guys right now. Just as well, because the vaccine doesn’t cure them; but instead turns everyone in town into Jinmenken. There’s only 4 minutes left; and the ending is less than satisfying, I promise you that. 

You mix a Hell of a Caucasian, Jackie.

Of course, the TV happens to be on and it’s a coincidental broadcast. Perfect for exposition ever since “Robotic Fish Gone Wild!”

Media Break! You give us three minutes, we give you the world!

Naturally, they all start conversing like drunken businessmen. I guess there must have been vodka in the “toilet water,” eh Viz? The night leads them to a bar; which makes things uneasy for future prospects of this anime.

Of course, Keita is royally devastated at how he fucked everything up once again. You’ll have to forgive my language; I’m just venting about the events of this month so far, and this piece of trash isn’t helping. 

Then, all the Jinmenken show up at Keita’s doorstep as if it were time for The Purge. Guess Michael Bay wasn’t satisfied with just making Transformers 5 and decided to keep bankrolling low-budget classist fantasies. You know, like Ouran! Of course, the whole thing was just a dream; the standard way to render everything pointless by retconning the events of the episode. Allow Tom Servo to breakdown for me. 

Thus is what’s overall my biggest complaint with Yo-Kai Watch: in obvious fact, they wasted a perfectly good plot. Not just with this episode; the whole show is a massive letdown for what everyone else was ostensibly hyping as “the next Pokémon.” Instead, the newest dub episode seems to have been bumped in favor of a Gravity Falls marathon and the game now officially faces an uphill battle against Black Ops III; short of a last-minute date change.

As for any comparisons to Spirited Away: I not only reject them because of that being my favorite Miyazaki film; but also because the two are worlds apart in writing and characterization. The whole point of that film was to show how Chihiro could be wonderfully transformed from a whiny little girl into a fine young woman through the hero’s journey; learning humility and the value of hard work under the persona of Sen. Keita, however; hasn’t learned anything about the world around him at all; let alone how to deal with the Yokai afflicting his and everyone else’s life.  Thus, “Gabunyan Hazard” became the point where I gave up on it. It’s the anime equivalent of having too much chocolate: it tastes good at first, but your mind will be reeling and your insides will be ripped apart by the time it’s over.

With this, I officially say it’s time for me to detox. I personally don’t plan on doing any more Yo-Kai Watch until after the game or toys launch; so I can see if the anime has ruined anyone else’s potential enjoyment of those sections besides mine. The manga is decent, but you honestly can’t count me among those who can outright say they like it. Check back with me next week to see what I have in store. Bang. 

Recap: The Rare One/Yo-Kai Manjimutt/Here Comes Roughraff

Now it’s time for the third episode of the Yo-Kai Watch dub. It’s already clear that I don’t like the anime; and the low ratings don’t bode well for the game being launched against Call of Duty: Black Ops III, which is now the most-anticipated game of the holidays. Yo-Kai Watch didn’t even chart among Nielsen’s list. So let’s get started. 

We open the first segment, “The Rare One” on Mrs. Adams returning home on her search for a rare snack for Nate; and she’s of course wearing the standard trench coat and hat that the Ninja Turtles often favored.

I'd tell you where I was, but then I'd have to kill you.

What do you know: they not only changed the dessert to an American Whoopie pie, they photoshopped the label in the most unconvincing manner possible.

It's almost as bad as when 4Kids turned a rice ball into a sub sandwich!

Yet, this is immediately rendered pointless by the fact that “Mr. Piehole,” the baker; looks and acts like the disciplined head of a typical Japanese noodle house. Once again, allow this Awkward Zombie comic to point out the inconsistency (thanks again to Katie for pointing this out).

What’s more; they cut him actually eating the “pie.” Who cares about indulgences when we have toys to preemptively sell? Seriously, the first wave comes out New Year’s Day 2016; which doesn’t strike me as a logical date to launch a new toy. I guess Christmas would have been too obvious for Hino.

Furthering this is Noko, clearly this franchise’s equivalent of Dunsparce. Little side note, I plan to do the Johto episode involving them for snakes in the cycle of my Chinese Zodiac theme. Ideally, I want to be finished before the actual Year of the Monkey in February 2016; so I can have the slate clean.

Then, they start multiplying like rabbits. The noises they make sound like some novelty you’d get at the dollar store.

Even so, Whisper denies there are any, even as he holds one in his hands! What a fucking dunce. 

The next segment, “Yo-Kai Manjimutt” (Jinmenken in Japan) with Nate being woken up by Whisper. Personally, I prefer waking up to rock and roll than to this discount Slimer.

What did I do last night?

At school, Eddie mentions something about an “HFD”. Look, I have trouble dealing with adult conspiracy theorists; I don’t need clowns like you turning into Alex Jones on Pixie Sticks!

It’s short for “Human Face Dog,” as he pulls out his phone and claim it’s self-explanatory. First of all, I detest the idea that elementary schoolers have cell phones now; as I got my first one in high school. Second of all, no, it isn’t. Nothing about this anime is. If there’s one thing I like less than a liar, it’s someone who isn’t good at lying.

Eddie claims he saw it on the internet, but Bear; still sounding like Ralph Wiggum without the charm, says he hopes it’s wrong. He probably got it off Kotaku.

My cat's breath smells like cat food!

Then, Katie admits to seeing the “HFD” (I’m already getting sick of typing this, to be honest) when she was on her way home from school last night. Oy vey; this is going to hurt. 

Nate then decides to take care of it; and Whisper says it’s because of Katie that he’s doing this. He fantasizes about a kiss from her as reward. Skip!

We are then formally introduced to Manjimutt; and I’m starting to see what my associate Kohdok said about finding him creepy from the dub’s rendition of him. Still, I do find him more interesting than Nate or Whisper. 

He starts twiddling with an umbrella; all while sounding like another Family Guy character, Herbert the pervert. I just hope that umbrella doesn’t get too suggestive.

You like popsicles? I got a whole freezer full in my basement.

Golf swing aside, this voice dubbing is awful; and the acting is really damn stiff too. Even the normally lively Johnny Yong Bosch seems embalmed here. This is the same guy who was Lelouch, Origins Brock, Shotaro Kaneda, Ichigo Kurosaki and Vash the Stampede; and I still think he was more articulate when he was a Power Ranger!

Now, in the voice actor’s defense; he does have a tongue-in-cheek rendition of how off-putting the character of Manjimutt might be to some people. Face it: if this is many of the voice cast’s first anime; they’re probably doing it to get the bills paid more than anything.

Hey there muscle arm, what's the matter?

OK, aside from turning the beer into toilet water; this oden should be a tip-off that this clearly isn’t the fictional town of Springdale, Idaho. I may have never been to Idaho, but I’m fairly certain they don’t have oden there. This isn’t like in “Island of the Giant Pokémon” where it’s some fantasy counterpart to the actual Kanto region; this is almost as bad as turning all the booze into juice in a certain infamous One Piece dub. Suffice to say; I was ecstatic when Funimation effectively declared an open bar for the characters to get shitfaced at every opportunity.

Even the VA must’ve known this edit was bullshit, since the way he pours Nate and Whisper each a soda pop clearly devours the old ham and cheese. The way Manjimutt delivers the “glug glug glug”

line makes it clear he’s not going to rein it in for a role he knows sucks balls.

Do the Dew, boys. You'll need it.

He was fired after working for 32 years due to “budget cuts.” Why do I imagine this happening to Level-5 if this trend is on its way out?

He goes to vent his sorrows at the same oden; apparently enjoying frothy mugs of water, or if you’re generous; vodka. Team Four Star got some good mileage out of mocking this edit in early DBZ; so I’d love to see what any budding abridgers or YouTube Poop makers could do with this anime.

Ten minutes in, and rather than being drunk; he was merely grieving when the freak accident that killed him and turned him into a Yokai occurred. Yeah, this is exactly what happens when people soberly grieve! To think I was still doing this blog and listening to sad music as my outlets!

His “grief-stricken” swaying caused him to crash into a toy poodle and a bunch of 2X4s. From that day forward; he was known as Manjimutt.

I heard a joke once. Man goes to doctor, says he feels depressed and alone and what lies ahead feels vague and uncertain. Doctor says “treatment is simple. The great clown, Pagliacci is in town. Go see him, that will pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. He cries, “but doctor, I am Pagliacci.” Good joke. Everybody laughs. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

Now comes the fantasy of Manjimutt’s new life as a toy poodle; but so far it’s shaping up to be more Benji than Beethoven. I know they were a terrier and a St. Bernard, respectively, but still. 

Also, they surprisingly left in Manjimutt taking a leak in the alley amid all the edits and cuts I mentioned above. So, Japanese food is bad; beer is bad; but public urination is OK? Where are your priorities, Disney XD and Viz? Apparently it’s because in their ‘verse; the cops still frown on taking a piss in the alley. Still not as funny as the Dude being held by the chief of police of Malibu.

Mr. Treehorn tells us he had to eject you from his garden party, that you were drunk and abusive.

Also, for some reason; one cop’s callsign is Adam-12. What kid is going to get that reference? I barely understand it in the Seltzer and Friedberg sense of “it exists, therefore, we must reference it.” The joke comes in the next step; twisting the reference in some way, making fun of it if you will. This is why I try to make my pop-culture references around the same pool as the 13-25 age range I target; though I do sometimes take a gamble on a more obscure one and maybe tell people to Google it.

As he’s being arrested, Manjimutt proclaims “this is Yokai profiling.” That’s not funny, you sick fuck. Did anyone at Viz stop and consider all these high-profile incidents that have happened over the past year? This most recent incident in Roseburg is also causing me to pull the plug on my planned Danganronpa recap for this month and replace it with something lighter for the time being.

Last but not least, we begin “Here Comes Roughraff”; as Bear proclaims there’s something wrong with Eddie. Forget Eddie, I think you need to go see a doctor. It seems Eddie is going all Straight Outta Compton on us; with his jacket slung over his shoulder and a pair of briefs photoshopped in like how they put a pair of boxer shorts on Zatch Bell (by the way; not doing that one, and I may consider making a top 13 anime I refuse to recap on this blog in the near future).

Worse than that, Bear still claims you can see his butt crack, even though that’s clearly not the case with the photoshopped tighty-whities. Did they even watch this before they aired it? Granted, that would require watching the whole thing; no easy task in itself, but come on!

Also, as Mr. Enter posited; just as it takes more than cute things to entertain girls, it takes more than gross things to entertain boys. This network has proven that. Star VS The Forces of Evil is a girl’s show that’s daring and adventurous; and Gravity Falls is a boy’s show that’s deep and often moving.

He uses the Yo-Kai Watch on Eddie, and Roughraff is there! I just wish he were showing us how to do the Time Warp (by the way, possibly doing a midnight Rocky Horror Picture Show for the 40th anniversary, it should be fun.). 

Whisper says that Roughraff can turn teenagers into punks; but this is like cosplay compared to what the Tiger gang does in Durarara x2 or all those vampires in Seraph of the End. You get what I’m saying? In an age where anime can tell such great stories; I was thoroughly disappointed by Yo-Kai Watch’s insipid approach to its subject matter.

Roughraff is not intimidated by Nate; proclaiming he’s shaking in his boots. You’re not wearing any, dipshit. I. Hate. This. Dub. And. This. Show. They face off at the riverbank; something that Tyson would have already done with the Street Sharks by now. 

This may just be stock footage; but once again, kudos to the animation being really good even if I don’t share the enthusiasm others have towards the show. Nate summons Jibanyan to take on Roughraff. What could possibly go wrong?

Surprise surprise! He’s corrupted into Baddinyan! Enlighten me on why you changed the name to that, boys? Wario and Waluigi proved that American audiences would accept a pun on the Japanese term “warui” (Literally, “bad”); so why would you do the same thing that they did in the NES version of Bionic Commando, calling the Nazis “Badds?” I only wish there were a profane “Master-D” with an exploding head to liven this up. 

Again, they proceed to run this joke into the ground by saying all the bad things he might do while not showing very many of them. He then guzzles his favorite snack, two chocolate bars before dinner. Still putting my chips on the Black Ops guys, since they’ve got automatic weapons and a lucrative teenage and young adult market.

This asshole's got nothing on Bobby Kotick.

Seriously, his misdeeds amount to variations on guzzling candy and things to not do in bed. Top-rated show in Japan, folks! Is it really a surprise it’s fizzling here? Even a filler episode of Pokémon The Series XY on Cartoon Network can pull a million viewers easy!

Even Nate says this is “total weak sauce,” and Whisper says he can’t watch anymore. Too bad, there’s still at least 4 minutes left in this turkey of an anime. He decides to summon Manjimutt; proclaiming “we need an adult to handle this.” I am an adult; and I still think this makes as much sense as a Satoshi Kon fever dream. He steps in, and promptly gets decked by Roughraff.

SHORYUKEN!

Then, it’s an official grudge match between these two Yokai. I feel like when I was playing Killer Instinct with some friends when I used to live in Nevada. I think I’ll need to after this. 

RIPTOR! SABREWULF! FIGHT ON!

The dubbing just gets worse and worse; rife with dated slang and poor voice acting and lip-syncing. In fact, I overheard some people on the bus comparing them to old Godzilla movies where their lips never matched the dialog at all.

I coulda been a contender.

So, we close on Manjimutt back in jail for somehow breaking out when he was summoned. I’m not making that up; folks. 

That’s the initial dub of Yo-Kai Watch; folks. While it may not be the worst anime I’ve seen of its kind; it’s almost twice as insufferable because of its potential that it seems to perpetually whiz down its leg like Manjimutt in a back alley. While the animation is slick and colorful; the writing and voice acting are horrendous, and nothing about the anime makes any sense. Thus; what was the biggest “mons” series since Pokémon in Japan is on its way to being buried in the US; especially if the likes of the second season of Star Wars Rebels and Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy have anything to say about it. Now, my viewfinder will go back to my initial plans; so check back with one last Yo-Kai Watch recap on the Halloween episode real soon. Bang. 

Recap: Yo-Kai Watch Episode 2

Before I get started on this episode; I’d like to share some things I forgot to mention last time. Apart from the voice acting being subpar at best, it seems I was correct in my theory that the scripts would be hacked to ribbons by the editing scissors. Viz has made every possible mistake they could in altering the script for the target audience here; filling it to the brim with unnecessary rewrites and mistranslations; most egregiously making the characters sound even more dickish than they were in Japan and changing the pudding to a Greek yogurt. I mean, I can understand referring to the doriyaki in Doraemon as “yummy buns”; since most American children probably don’t know what doriyaki is (to the point where Noby had to name them onscreen), but changing a dessert to a healthy item is a bit over the top.

On top of that, early response to the dub is lukewarm at best among the target audience of young children. So, it seems this invasion that everyone else was hyping is off to a rocky start. I don’t even think I need to go over my “hype backlash” talk again right now, so let’s open up the next episode of Yo-Kai Watch.

For the sake of argument, I will forgo the theme song; since I have bigger fish to fry, so to speak. Instead, I’m once again putting something else on. Helps me mellow out for what’s ahead.

1. The characters

I’ve mentioned before how I don’t consider Nate and Whisper to be the best characters in the way myself or anyone else would define the word; but it’s quite clear that they lack the most basic motivation in what they do. I can understand giving the target audience someone to relate to as a protagonist; but the problem is when a work contains Yokai, monsters, martial artists; or any other sort of fantasy and science fiction elements, the audience needs characters that are not only relatable, but could believably hold their own in a situation like this. Key examples include Son Goku, Monkey D. Luffy; Sosuke Sagara, Spike Spiegel, Shinji Ikari, Simon Giha, Edward and Alphonse Elric; and Roger from The Big O. All of these characters have clearly-defined motivations and goals. Throughout the bulk of the series, much less the initial 26-episode order Disney XD has placed, I feel as if I barely know anything about Nate; not helped by the fact that even the promotional material describes him as “Average.”

His friends and family fare little better, as his parents are just standard archetypes with little to no variance. Eddie (Kanchi in the Japanese version) is a tech nerd; Bear (Kuma in the Japanese version) is the dumb muscle, and Katie essentially fulfills the same purpose that Smurfette did. I’m not saying you have to make every anime the same; but unless you’re someone like Akira Toriyama, Masashi Kishimoto, Tite Kubo, Eichiro Oda, Hiromu Arakawa, Hayao Miyazaki, Shinichiro Watanabe, or Katsuhiro Otomo; we usually have certain expectations in mind. That’s at least two paragraphs on the failings of the characters before we get to the actual meat of things now. 

2. Kappa Sigma Monotony

So, our Yokai of this first part is a kappa, which even Whisper points out is pretty basic. Unfortunately, the dubbing makes him and Nate even bigger dicks to each other than in the Japanese version; which is no easy task. Even to a guy like me, who’s not a fan of the show; this is really sad.

His name is Walkappa, quite obviously this franchise’s answer to Psyduck. Yet, I only wish the headaches I got watching this would give me psychic powers. 

Also, Whisper mistakes a ramen bowl (which the dub refers to as the more generic “dinnerware”) for Walkappa’s plate. I know I use this gag a lot, but it still fits; even without the wheel of fish.

Stupid! You're so stupid!

For some reason, Walkappa sounds like a California surfer in the vein of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Bill and Ted. They are trying way too hard to hide the fact that this comes from Japan. Least the Power Rangers didn’t call too much attention to the fact that Japan looked awfully similar to Southern California (and more recently, New Zealand).

3. It’s all toilet sounds!

The next segment begins with Nate trying to use the restroom at school. You see what I mean about the target audience? They’re often so young that they’re reveling in the fact they now have control of their own bladder and bowels.

Kate, of course, reveals this to the whole class. Look, when you gotta go, you gotta go. It’s that simple. No need to stop the presses about it.

Yet, Nate thinks this one blooper will ruin him. No, it will take a bit more than that. Low ratings and launching against Call of Duty: Black Ops III should do the trick.

This once again turns his ostensible friends, Eddie and Bear into Bulk and Skull. A boorish fatso and a condescending tweed: you do the math. 

Whisper once again puts the idea in Nate’s head that a Yokai is behind this bathroom faux pas. It’s shit like this that would make him grow up to be Tyler Durden.

He points the Yo-Kai Watch at Katie; and we are introduced to Tattletell. I’m just going on record that I consider puns to be slightly above toilet humor on the comedic scale; and the humor in this anime isn’t as surreal as some other one’s I’ve seen; as I’m about to tell you.

4. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

So, Tattletell is the reason why one’s secrets are spilled all over. Great, it’s the Yokai version of Anonymous!

Also, are we seriously still on his BM? Top-rated program in Japan, folks! I’ll get to the less-than-stellar performance in the US in a little while.

Anyway, Nate is so angry he decides to face off against Tattletell, whether she wants to or not! 

It's morphin' time! MASTODON!

Then, they run the diarrhea into the ground even further by having Katie tell about it again. What is this anime’s obsession with his bodily functions?!

Once again, I must admit the animation is actually pretty nice for a show I don’t really care for. Just as the Transformers films are particularly well-made despite essentially being glorified 2-hour-plus toy commercials. Hasbro in particular is quite grateful for President Reagan’s little contribution to make that happen.

Whisper even says “such honesty could be devastating.” I know; I can be quite brutal towards something I don’t enjoy. Such is the position of the “caustic critic” persona.

Tattletell then clamps onto some other townsfolk in Springdale (New Sakura Town in the Japanese version), including this cougar that’s just a step away from a Kardashian in terms of udder vapidity. 

So, highly appropriate for this anime, really.

She also gets a criminal to confess where he buried a pile of money under the high school football field!

Also, I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll and I have Jimmy Hoffa's corpse in my freezer!

Yet, despite all this rampant Americanization (seriously, the setting has been moved to Idaho, with apologies to my neighbors in that fine state); Nate still says “I’ll never forgive you” to Tattletell. While that statement varies in the weight it carries here, in Japan; it’s pretty much the same thing as telling someone “fuck you” here.

5. I want you to show me the way!

Another strike against this anime is the fact that Nate constantly has to be told what to do as if he were a lobotomized Slakoth. While there is some degree of that in other “mons” series, generally the protagonists can figure things out on their own. 

With yet more prodding form Whisper, Nate summons Jibanyan. Once again, this is a very pretty series even if that energy couldn’t also be channeled into the script or characters.

Yet, Jibanyan proclaims he’s an individual with his own needs and wants. While there was an initial barrier between Ash and Pikachu; that pretty much went away after the first episode, barring a few gags from time to time. 

Even Tattletell is fed up with waiting, just drinking tea while Nate shambles through this turd! 

It's official: you suck!

6. Lost in Translation 2: Lost Harder

In this next bit, we get ANOTHER gag that the target audience here won’t get; since it’s entirely dependent on the knowledge for idol AKB48 and their counterparts, NyAKB. With the term changed to the more generic “girl group”; the gag now makes no sense in its new context, or lack of thereof.

Worse, this isn’t just a one-off joke either: it’s a large part of his character! I may not be entirely against changing things for a dub like some other anime fans; but they have to be changes that make sense! This isn’t like changing a character’s name; you can’t just turn a pop phenomenon into a total non sequitur!

As a result, Nate and Whisper say Jibanyan has serious issues. Given my first recap of this anime, I agree. Still, might as well Cinema Sins this part anyway.

Nate and Whisper are dicks to Jibanyan.

He follows Tattletell to the park; and decides to summon Walkappa instead.

This is going straight up my nose!

7. If I have a stroke as a result of viewing this anime; can I sue the producers for damages?

So Walkappa still keeps talking like a less funny Shaggy; and he’s able to defeat Tattletell by giving her a bunch of useless information. Still doesn’t help that he sounds so stoned. As with “Princess VS Princess,” I’m fairly certain this was conceived stone-cold sober; and the Japanese definitely don’t need the help.

Hino, didn't I read this part already? Did anyone proofread this before they clicked "print?"

It goes on, and apparently he likes pizza. With this cultural translation; I think he’s now rivaling Jar Jar Binks in terms of sheer annoyance. 

Mike Nelson: It's supposed to endear him to us. Makes me want to take a section of rebar to his skull.

8. Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?

There’s only five minutes left; and I still have no idea what others see in this. It’s like the South Park episode “Chinpokomon” (one of my favorite Pokémon parodies, by the way); in which every adult in town is bewildered by the whole thing while the children are invested.

Back with the show, is Bear a special needs kid? His voice acting sounds like someone I was bussed with in high school.

He might be on the borderline, since he got a 50 on his test; all while sounding like Chris from Family Guy (pre-2005 cancellation, of course, barring the Star Wars parodies).

Someone peed in my pants!

Even so, we’re not really given any information on the human characters or the Yokai. Without it; there really isn’t any reason to care about what’s going on.

Even a potentially interesting setup like Katie being reluctant to tell her parents about her test results is hampered by the fact that I have to question every single action people take onscreen.

Case in point: while we are told Nate is an average boy, he and Whisper actually have very questionable moral values. Rather than simply ask Katie what’s wrong; Nate is encouraged to use Tattletell to forcibly extract the information from her.

What does Marsellus Wallace look like?

Not only that, Nate is downright gleeful about the fact that he’s doing this. That’s how a person can grow up to be Alex de Large.

Yet, Katie’s mother is strangely fine with the fact that she didn’t get a perfect score. Did Tommy Wiseau ghostwrite parts of this dub? Nothing anyone says makes any sense, and the voice acting and dubbing are atrocious!

I got the results of the test back, I definitely have breast cancer.

So, we get yet another stock moral about trying one’s best. Skip!

We then close on Nate and Whisper admitting it’s good to be honest… while stalking out her home. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen! 

In lieu of the English ending; I have yet more bad news to bear. I’ve received word that the ratings are well below expectations from the pilot’s initial airing. Only 300,000 viewers tuned in; finishing at number 85. So, it looks like my skepticism towards the show was justified for its prospects here.

This puts the potential for the series on rocky ground; as the manga is also being brought stateside; and the video game is still launching against Black Ops III. Short of moving the release date for the game, it looks like this “Yokai invasion” is shaping up to be more Tomorrowland than Age of Ultron; landing with more of a whimper than a bang.

I intend to do one more recap of the dub’s third episode; since it’s clear there’s a lot to talk about. After that, my viewfinder will be back on my initial target for this month. See you, space cowboy.