Yo-Kai Watch Blasters Coming September 7, Season 3 Starts Monday on Disney XD.

I will just make this brief, since I'm going to a concert tonight with some family friends. It seems that the third season of the dub of Yo-Kai Watch will begin on Disney XD this Monday alongside new episodes of Beyblade Burst Evolution and Pokémon The Series Sun and Moon: Ultra Adventures.

Moreover, after much speculation, Yo-Kai Watch Blasters will be released in the US on September 7 for 3DS. While there is obviously a lot I have to say about this matter, you will definitely hear how I will be saying it after Monday, July 2. That's all for now.

Recap: Attack of the Prehistoric Pokémon

So, Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom was fun. Not quite as good as the last movie, but I enjoyed it overall. With that in mind, I will keep my dinosaur high and my anticipation of Pokémon Let's Go going with my next Kanto recap to close out this month! Let's open up "Attack of the Preshistoric Pokémon!"

We open the historic "Grandpa Canyon," where a dig for Pokémon fossils is taking place; as Ash, Brock and Misty are accosted by Gary Oak in a full Indiana Jones getup!

This prequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark is quite strange.

In hindsight, Ash's nonchalant reaction to Gary's cheerleaders and fossil search is honestly one of the things that amuses me most about this episode; and once again, here's the MST3K clip.

DULL SURPRISE!

As Ash then decides to compete with Gary in finding fossils, Jigglypuff is not far behind; miffed that it hasn't found anyone to hear its song!

As "The Great Fossil Rush" is underway, Gary digs up what he believes is a brain; but another man supervising the dig tells him instead that it's Pokémon manure. Fun fact from when I took biology in school: apparently a "coprolite" is indeed fossilized excrement, in other words, Gary basically found fossilized shit, just like the Jaguar CD!

As Ash tries to determine where to look for fossils, they stumble across Team Rocket's plan to blow the whole canyon up and collect the fossils despite all the people inside! Disregarding how dark that sounds if you think about it, I do find it somewhat amusing 4Kids cut Meowth actually lighting the TNT fuse, so kids wouldn't find out that mysterious last step.

Ash then tells Brock and Misty to warn everyone while he tries to stop the explosives! There's a lot going on in this episode, and this might be one of my favorites from Kanto. I only have a few more I want to cover before retirement, and I want to make every one count.

Jessie and James try to stop Ash, but they end up tripping over themselves and rolling up in a big ball!

Ultimately, they're unable to stop the explosives, and they end up trapped in an underground cavern with some of the prehistoric Pokémon from the title: Omanyte, Omastar, Kabuto, and Kabutops! I'm not doing any "Lord Helix" jokes, guys: I don't even like Twitch all that much. I was hoping it would go the way of Myspace and Geocities, but that won't happen anytime soon, unfortunately.

Mommy's very angry...

So, as Brock, Misty and everyone else on the surface try to uncover the blocked roof of the cave, everyone down below must elude the raging Pokémon; who are livid that their sleep has been disturbed!

I must say, this rampage beneath the surface of the canyon has held up quite well over time, and they also did a good job remastering it; given these screenshots I've taken from the Netflix copy of the episode.

As if that wasn't enough, another prehistoric Pokémon enters the space wanting to make everyone in sight into its prey: Aerodactyl!

Oh no! The Rancor!

Aerodactyl is not only able to brush off Charmeleon's attack, it grabs Ash and crashes through the blockage of the cave roof! Just mere episodes after evolving into Charmeleon, we get another evolution into Charizard!

In addition to this moment being re-versioned for "The Fires of a Red-Hot Reunion," I still submit that Charizard is still one of the monsters that represents the "cool" side of the franchise, if ones like Pikachu and Jigglypuff represent the "cute" side of it.

Speaking of which, Jigglypuff is convinced to take the stage and sing its song to stop Aerodactyl's rampage, with Charizard plugging its ears and rescuing the drowsy Ash on its back, somehow!

Ash then rolls over next to a Pokémon egg, and as everyone comes to, Officer Jenny tries to dismiss what they just witnessed as a dream from Jigglypuff's song, even with all the marker on their faces. I think I will let Hermes Conrad handle this one.

That just raises further questions!

So, as the sun sets on another day, we close on Ash showing Brock and Misty the egg he found; and Brock decides to help raise it! ... We will talk about that before the year is out.

You have chosen... wisely.

"Attack of the Prehistoric Pokémon" was another great way to help close out this month after the mess that was Dragonball Evolution; and another episode I really enjoyed from when I was younger. Even though there was a lot going on in this half-hour, sometimes you wake up and just want to talk about dinosaur pocket monsters in a show about a video game, if you'll pardon me drifting into a shade of Ernest Cline there. As this month and the first half of my last year come to a close, however, there's something that came up that I need to address. If you've been following me for a while, you know exactly what it is. That's all for now. Bang.

Recap: The Song of Jigglypuff

Hello everyone. Well, after the drudgery that was the infamous "Dragonball Evolution," that I would take some breathers before the end of the month. With Pokémon Let's Go coming this November, Generation VIII coming next year and the Everyone's Story movie coming on July 13 (I will definitely do a recap of that one as my last piece of Pokémon content, no matter how it turns out); I thought I would do a couple episodes of Kanto I've been mulling over for a while. This the first of at least two I want to get to you, so let's open up "The Song of Jigglypuff!"

After the theme song, we open on Ash, Brock and Misty wandering through the desert; trying to find the next town. Interesting, I had more trouble trying to navigate the Seafoam Islands when I was trying to get to Cinnabar Island on my Game Boy.

As they rise over the next hill, they come across a glittering counterpart to Las Vegas, Neon Town!

They go onto say there's action 24 hours a day, and always something to do since it never closes! So, I guess it's a sort of precursor to Veilstone City, for me at least.

Anyway, a side character bumps into them; and the way he moves and acts always amused me, even if he is a punker. His design and Brooklyn accent in the dub almost remind me of someone from a Tatsunoko production.

These lowlifes need to be taught a lesson. "Not like that, they don't, not from you!"

After Office Jenny narrowly breaks them up, everyone decides to find a hotel for the night, considering how on edge everyone is. The whole city is also suffering from sleep deprivation because of spending every night out on the town. Team Rocket is unfortunate enough to run into the same punk, as well as a large woman as the two are beat up and spanked! Apparently, Kids WB originally cut this scene, yet it's intact in every other version I've seen, including the one I'm using to write this on my Netflix profile.

How 'bout a 5-minute game misconduct for roughing, pal?

After Meowth rightfully says that they should "prepare for trouble," we get our title card.

While the gang didn't get that much sleep the previous night, they decide to leave after seeing everyone else in the city is still on edge. Well, that's always a good motivator to leave.

They start off on their merry way when they come across the star of our story today: Jigglypuff! 

Misty tries to catch Jigglypuff, but there's something wrong with her voice; and the monster is unwilling to sing! I must say I like Jigglypuff's expression as Ash looks it up in the Pokédex.

So, they decide to help Jigglypuff hone its pipes so they can hear its song! Maybe it's just me, but I always liked the way Jigglypuff cuddled with Misty here. Even if this wasn't my initial plan, I still have lots of ways to celebrate the upcoming release of Pokémon Let's Go.

So, Jessie and Meowth start cooking up a scheme to use Jigglypuff's song to plunder all the Pokémon in Neon Town. I also like this image of James dressed like a Japanese thief in front of all these stock images. I guess when you only have the original 151, you make do with what you've got. Plus, some might have different stats for your ninjutsu.

Now, we get what's one of the highlights of this episode: "Team Rocket's Song!" Before they even crank up the tunes, the trio's sailor suits are just great.

Casual '90s crossdressing and misunderstanding aside, this is catchy as all get out. They may be villains, but it's definitely a track worth enlisting for.

So, with some help from a balloon, a special fruit and some dialect coaching from Misty, Jigglypuff has found its voice, all too well as it puts everyone to sleep! Jigglypuff, not amused, takes a marker from Ash's bag to doodle on everyone, starting what's honestly one of my favorite running gags from the series. Not even Psyduck, whose headache has been handy on numerous occasions can withstand its song, as it's asleep with its eyes open!

Ever alert, Psyduck has trained itself to sleep with its eyes open.

So, they decide to use Jigglypuff's song another way on Neon Town; and Team Rocket devises a new plan after an unsuccessful attempt to record its song on tape. Yes kids, I am old enough to know what audio tape is.

I must admit that the Gibson Les Paul on the music shop sign is a nice touch.

I also have no idea why they made the shopkeeper Canadian in the dub. Even when he tries to sound rude, I half expect him to throw a "thorry" in there.

I'm not your buddy, friend!

Team Rocket, posing as a couple punks (fitting for a couple Pokémon Tech washouts turned bike gangsters), are more than willing to provide an outdoor stage for Jigglypuff; as James pulls a Spinal Tap and says to "Crank the Speakers up to 11."

Tonight I'm gonna rock you tonight!

Jigglypuff takes the stage, and her music fills the whole town! Guess the sound system is really that good, or it was wired everywhere. Of course, not amused, Jigglypuff doodles all over the whole town; but they thankfully have some much-needed rest!

...And some flapjacks! "Too early for flapjacks?"

The quasi-Brooklyn punk then apologizes to Ash for what he said the other night, even though it was really two nights ago they bumped into each other. Guess they really were sleep-deprived.

Everyone then continues on their way to Cinnabar Island, give or take a dozen episodes; with Jigglypuff being on a quest of its own to find someone to listen to its song. 

Of course, Jigglypuff is not far behind, keeping the marker as a makeshift microphone! This took quicker than normal, but I had a lot of fun writing it.

"The Song of Jigglypuff" was a fun introduction to the title monster, and this singer is definitely one of the most-recognized "cute" monsters of the series; and she's been in heavy rotation for me in Super Smash Bros. ever since I first played Melee, as well as one of my primary dragonslayers since it retroactively gained fairy type from Generation VI onward. Since I will be going to a show myself with some family friends, I thought it would be fun to take a look at this. I will also be going to see Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom tomorrow evening, so check back with me after that for my look at another episode I've been wanting to address for ages: "Attack of the Prehistoric Pokémon!" See you, space cowboy!

Special Live-Action Recap: Dragonball Evolution (2009)

Well, this has been a long time coming; and since it's my last year on this blog, I thought I would do this for my first official live-action recap as a special presentation!

With rumors swirling of a Mobile Suit Gundam movie finally being made, Robotech and Voltron remaining in development Hell and the Battle Angel Alita remake being shunted into competition with Aquaman and Bumblebee this Christmas; I thought I would finally bury the hatchet on Dragonball Evolution, a textbook example of how not to adapt a beloved anime and manga in live-action; so let's open it up!

The movie is definitely deserving of its infamous reputation, taking a source material that was beloved by millions, young and old and making a work that was critically reviled and a commercial failure. As of this writing, it only holds a 15% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, a mediocre 45 score on Metacritic and a 2.6/10 rating on IMDB. It also doesn't help that no matter what budget estimate I use (I've seen figures ranging anywhere from $45 million to $100 million), making just $9 million in the US and less than $60 million worldwide definitely quashed any potential murmurs of a franchise in their cradle. I mean, you know you're in trouble when you get beaten at the box office by the Hannah Montana movie.  So, let's get this started.

The film opens on a very loose interpretation of the series' backstory, involving a warlord known as Piccolo and a massive beast known as "Oozaru," who both brought terror to the entire universe. This is the first of many liberties taken with the source material, and I will get into more detail why as this recap continues. I must also note this CGI intro would barely pass for one of my old computer screensavers from the '90s, yet this film came out in 2009. The title card is an indicator of what you're in for over the next 85 minutes, and it doesn't get better from here.

From the director of way too many Final Destination and Saw films than should've been made!

We then see Goku, played by Justin Chatwin, sparring with his adoptive grandfather Gohan, played by veteran actor Randall Duk Kim. While he has played in good films before this such as Oogway in the original Kung Fu Panda, he was also in the every bit as awful Last Airbender the following year, so there's that. Through some rather staggered fight choreography and murky cinematography (the latter of which you can see in this screenshot), it's quite clear that Gohan fills the same role as the likes of Obi-Wan Kenobi; Ben Parker, and Mr. Miyagi, to name a few. (sighs) I know this movie is a huge cliche storm, so I might as well play along.

Don't start without me! "Don't start up with me."

Before Goku leaves the house on what's apparently his 18th birthday, Gohan tends to his Zen garden; which also provides a cheap way for him to provide exposition about the Dragon Balls. That is one of the few similarities that this movie has with its source, and I'm also letting people know that I'm not using the "w-word" to talk about Chatwin's casting, even if he is whiter than a tuna sandwich on white bread with mayo, Tab and a couple Twinkies. The only word that matters to me for this movie is the "writing," and boy howdy do I have many other choice words for that.

I was born a poor black child...

Elsewhere, we see Piccolo, played by James Marsters (best known for the hit show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer") decimate a village to search for one of the Dragon Balls, with the help of Agent Mai, played by Eriko Tamura. I'm sensing a few implications with this movie's casting already, and none of them are good. Suffice to say, with the dumpster fire of bad publicity from Scarlett Johansson's Major and Nat Wolff's Light; things haven't gotten much better in the time since this movie. I will address this further as I go, but for now, this makeup looks less convincing than my reruns of Star Trek. I hope if there's ever a much-needed reboot, they go with better CGI. Not exactly the Na'Vi in Avatar, but I was hoping for something better than a dolled-up Spirit Halloween getup.

There seems to be no logic here, captain.

Back in the mainland (I don't know, this movie plays kind of fast and loose with setting); Goku is apparently lusting over Chi-Chi, played by Jamie Chung. As I've pointed out before, one of the biggest problems with the script change is that Goku apparently wants to jump Chi-Chi's bones, when in the source, it was essentially the other way around. Goku being informed of getting married to her humorously led to him thinking "marriage" was a kind of dessert, so he'd more than likely be more interested in her strangely sensual eating. This movie is rated PG, yet I have to wonder if it was originally targeting other audiences before being hacked up in the editing room.

Strawberries and cream are the most erotic of all the desserts.

I must also note how shockingly crappy these special effects are, despite the amount of money allegedly thrown at them. I am still astounded how this film made it to theaters in 2009, since the CGI and chroma key effects have less of the wondrous aura of the original anime and manga and more of a low-grade SyFy Originals TV movie. I didn't even show you the absolutely terrible CGI sweat and wire work during the sparring match from earlier.

Also, as Goku tells his teacher about a saying known as "beware of Nameks," something dawned on me watching this movie for the first time in years to write about it. This guy isn't that bad an actor, even if he's not my favorite; but he is trying with what little he's given. Sure, he may come off like a man who even Hayden Christensen would laugh at; but the problems with his role aren't actually with him: seriously, they're with the script. Honestly, it took seven years to conceive this film and this is the best dialogue they could come up with? How the Hell do you direct someone to deliver these lines without cracking up?! I sure couldn't!

Anyway, after using some bad CGI ki attacks to open Chi-Chi's locker, Goku is invited to a party at what I guess is the Ox King's mansion in this 'verse. When we do see the place, this version makes it look like the shoot of a glam rap video from that time frame.

While Gohan prepares a birthday dinner consisting of mainly chicken feet, Goku gets slicked up to go to Chi-Chi's party; leading to an obvious gag about his unruly 'do. My mother wondered how they were going to do the hair when this film began development. When it actually came out, however, it was clear that was the least of this trainwreck's problems.

Somehow, Goku knows to take the four-star Dragon Ball before he leaves. I guess he read the script, since Gohan is about to meet the same fate as Obi-Wan, Uncle Owen, and Uncle Ben, et al. More on that later, since Goku heads to Chi-Chi's party and runs afoul of a group of thugs led by Fuller, who is clearly straining to pass for a high school student; though he looks like he's been held back a decade or so. Seriously, this movie abuses Dawson Casting  so much that I'm trying to hold back unintentional chuckles even before their "fight" begins.

On top of Fuller's car being an obvious stand-in for the live-action Bumblebee; the fight choreography in this scene is stunningly awful. On top of Goku being held to a rule that doesn't exist in the source material about fighting, there are playground fights of kids imitating episodes of Power Rangers that were better staged than this. Fuller and his cronies are so inept at fighting "Geeko" (seriously? I've read more convincing insults on imageboards online) that it's a wonder why they even bothered trying.

Stop trying to make "Geeko" happen, dude! Totally not going to happen!

One of the bullies even punches through the glass of another car window, and he overacts more than Flash Thompson. OK, cue the Shao Kahn clip.

It's official: you suck!

Fuller then comes outside to confront Goku, and escalates from merely pouring a drink in front of him to he and one of his cronies going after him with metal pipes! What, did they change the setting of this movie to San Andreas?

YOU PICKED THE WRONG HOUSE FOOL!

So, as apparent retribution for an earlier scene where Fuller wrecked Goku's moped, he is unable to land a single blow on Goku and ends up totally wrecking his own car. This scene was funnier when they did it in The Big Lebowski, to be honest.

This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

So, while Goku apparently tries to get some from Chi-Chi (again, a total reversal from the anime and manga source material), Piccolo and Mai attack Goku's house while searching for his Dragon Ball; mortally wounding Gohan in the process. This is one of the biggest changes in story from the original, and I will truly get into how much when the time comes. I will say that this fight is a low-grade knockoff of the action in the Matrix trilogy; for those keeping score of elements ripped off from other movies. Upon realizing he doesn't have it, Piccolo decides to throttle Gohan and destroy their home anyway. Gee, and I thought Broly was a bland villain. This guy comes off less like his namesake from the source and more like Spike from Buffy in too much green latex.

Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru!

Goku apparently senses something wrong, with the Dragon Ball in his pocket glowing and him seeing a low-quality Praxis effect in the moon leading him back home to find Gohan in his dying moments. He tells him to find the other Dragon Balls before Piccolo does, I guess. I don't claim to be an expert, but if your home was destroyed, your granddad was dying and you were told to go on this quest; I think you'd emote with more surprise than finding an onion ring in your french fries.

You will go to the Dagobah system. There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me.

Moreover, I don't really have the same attachment to these versions of the characters like I do their namesakes; especially since when Gohan tells Goku to find Master Roshi in his dying words (trust me, I have plenty to say about that too), it's akin to cramming the entirety of the series' mythology up to this point in a single movie; and we're just over twenty minutes in. That is one of the big reasons why this movie is such a mess, and why many others like it have suffered. Some parts feel glacial in pacing, others move so fast I swear I got whiplash just sitting here.

Want more proof of this? Quite literally during the next scene at daybreak, Goku barely has time to grieve burying his grandfather when he's confronted at gunpoint by Bulma Briefs, played in this movie by Emmy Rossum in a bad streak job and an unconvincing cosplay of Lara Croft. I mean, I guess it's not as bad as the infamous "Samurai Cop," but anyone dismayed at the live-action FMA should rewatch this to see truly awful hairstyling and costume design.

Pardon me, if that wasn't your way of trying the doors for me.

Bulma then explains that the five-star Dragon Ball was stolen from her father's laboratory at Capsule Corps, and it just seems that this introduction is trying to go out of its way to have none of the whimsy, wonder and joy that their original meeting did.

Bulma also has a Dragon Radar, which will enable them to find the other Dragon Balls before Piccolo does. As for how it looks like a PDA: it's amazing how a work with tech from 2009 somehow looks more dated than her Dragon Radar from 1989.

This new Samsung Galaxy sucks!

Bulma then pulls out a bike from a capsule, which looks less like the blend of technology and wizardry from the original and more like the unholy spawn of a discount Poké Ball and a low-rent knockoff of one of the live-action Transformers. She also grudgingly agrees to help Goku find Master Roshi, since she did try to kill him and everything. I honestly don't know if Goku is bulletproof like in the source, because the movie doesn't explain itself very well; let alone how it adapts the original. It's one of the recurring problems a lot of live-action adaptations of anime and manga have: they make way too many changes to try and appease casual audiences, but also require the viewer to know a lot about the source.

Goku also apparently to the time to not only pack his grandfather's robes and staff, but also his birthday dinner. That's another big issue I take with this movie: trying to downplay the silliness of the original story instead has the opposite effect of making everything seem even more ludicrous. Chatwin is trying, but there's only so much you can do with a plate of chicken feet and an over-CGI'd ball in your pocket.

Is my performance supposed to be "original recipe" or "extra crispy," Mr. Wong?

As for this information kiosk where Bulma downloads the information she needs to find Roshi, this was already a bit dated in 2009, where I was already on my second cell phone that could search the internet and play YouTube videos in my pocket. In this day and age, where a film can be brought down or made a blockbuster by anyone with a social media account, it's downright embarrassing.

Alexa, call my agent, I'm going to tell them "you're fired."

Somehow, they find Roshi and the next Dragon Ball in the city of Paozu (you see what I mean about the inconsistent pacing?), and this movie's version of Kame House is once again giving me flashbacks to Batman Forever amid all the neon-lit buildings. This was obviously before "racebending" and cultural appropriation really began to be sticking points for movies like this, but it's astonishing how millions of dollars of special effects somehow look less exotic than the original artwork.

If the bat wants to play, we'll play!

Walking right through the front door, finally, at nearly the 30-minute mark, we are introduced to Master Roshi, played by Chow Yun-Fat wondering what the Hell he's doing with his life, much like me. He's still a powerful fighter and kind of a pervert; but it's weird the lady on his shirt is wearing less than the ones in his bikini rags.

If you want me to pose nude, you're going to need a long lens!

Now, if I may damn this movie with faint praise, Chow Yun-Fat is the only actor who seems to understand what movie he's in and decides to have a little fun. He may not have shaved his head or grown a beard, but he definitely takes his ham well-done if you catch my drift.

Insert Morgan Freeman narrating about Andy Dufresne's freedom here.

Even though he's still Gohan's sensei and friend, he does agree to train Goku and help find the Dragon Balls before the solar eclipse. That's convenient, especially since they're still condensing the entire lore of the original into just 85 minutes of runtime. Even more, they find the two star ball hiding among all of Roshi's bikini quarterlies! Also, the story of how to defeat Piccolo is a nursery rhyme that's been passed down through the last 2,000 years. This movie is just one convenience after another, isn't it?

Furthering this point is Piccolo and Mai retrieving their second Dragon Ball by draining a lake in some terrible water effects that look like they came from a low-grade video game. Seriously, it almost looks like something from a kids' movie from the '90s where they were still trying to perfect the technology.

Only 68 more of these, then we can fight Bowser!

Also, why was Mai's costume redesigned from military garb to a red leather outfit with a cleavage window? Is this some sort of attempt to be titillating? Because like all the other gags in this movie, it's not working.

We then cut to where Roshi will take Goku to train and for Bulma to hunt for the next Dragon Ball. As for Roshi's "air bending" comment: that's a whole other can of worms, and a whole other bastardization of a beloved animated series. He's apparently also nicked Elmer Fudd's hat for this journey.

Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting Dwagon Balls! (chuckles)

Their journey takes them across the desert, with Goku carrying the bags as part of the training. OK, I may know this was part of Roshi's training method in the original, but this falls under the category of not knowing what to keep or what to cut in an adaptation. How something works in an anime or manga is not the same as how it works in a movie, yet this is still being screwed up to this day.

Although you think I can, I'm just a man and I don't walk on water!

Wouldn't you know it, it turns out that this training ground is full of people practicing for a martial arts tournament! It's a safe bet that this place will be a strip mall full of dojos before too long, or at the very least, someplace with a movie theater and a Panda Express.

Kumite! Kumite! Kumite! Kumite! Kumite! Kumite!

It also turns out that Chi-Chi is training there, and after knocking her opponent off a hill in a Wilhelm scream, another one is training on the plateau. Either he knows how to teleport, or there's another case of screwing up basic continuity. Goku meets up with her again, and his rapport with Chi-Chi once again suggests that he's talking his grandfather's death shockingly well despite the fact we're only 35 minutes into this movie. Was there something in the water or what?

Before we have time to answer that, Bulma's Dragon Radar picks up the signal of another Dragon Ball, and we're treated to some laughably bad chroma key on her motorbike. It once again makes me wonder why they didn't just film this for real, since I've played video games with more convincing motorcycle scenes.

Sin City, it is not.

Somehow, they wind up in a pitfall trap from Yamcha, played by Joon Park. They made this desert bandit somehow even more pathetic than in the original, though we're thankfully spared a $30 million version of Puar. Probably would've been like Fox's live-action Garfield.

Laughingstock, I presume.

After a rehash of the intro, Roshi is able to leap out of the pit to confront Yamcha, making me wondering why he didn't do this earlier. Even more, the signal from the Dragon Ball is in the pitfall; which they're able to leverage the tools to dig out and escape with even less effort than in the original source! Jeez, Yamcha in this movie sucks even more than usual.

To think people gave Kingdom of the Crystal Skull so much heat.

Elsewhere, Piccolo and Mai are still after their next Dragon Ball; and Mai decides to create more henchmen, telling Piccolo "your blood will give it life" as the camera shows this vial of blue jelly. Once again, this movie is trying to be a more "realistic" take on the series and then this enters the space.

Wait till you see, it's terrible.

So, they find the next Dragon Ball in the midst of a volcano, and I need a minute just to revel in how laughably bad the effects are here.

(laughs) Oh wait, you're serious, let me laugh harder!

I mean, wow: just four years prior, I was in awe at Mustafar, now I feel I'm looking at something from a bad video game. Yamcha also gets blasted by steam, and says that he just "fried his nuts!" Yamcha, if that was real volcanic steam, your nuts would be burnt off, and you'd be dead. 

Accurate reaction from Dragon Ball fans after viewing this movie.

Wouldn't you know it: the next Dragon Ball they need is on a stalagmite in the middle of the volcano! In addition to the TV movie-caliber CGI, the practical effects on this set look like a cheap theme park attraction.

Not even the guy in those Six Flags ads they used to have could muster excitement for this.

As everyone tries to figure out how to cross the mouth of the volcano, they're attacked by some of Piccolo's minions! I guess these are like primordial Saibamen, but they all look like GWAR cosplayers flailing about in a drunken LARP; which is basically how this fight scene plays out.

Level 14 Orc attacks White Mage: roll 20-sided die.

Somehow, killing them allows them to build a bridge so they can collect the next Dragon Ball. So, the mystic adventure has basically been turned into a glorified 85-minute fetch quest; and the colorful fantasy action has been replaced by murky hues and fights that look like they were cut together by Michael Bay on whippets. After that mess, they have to find Roshi's sensei to help train Goku: Sifu Norris, played by Ernie Hudson. I guess when you're waiting for a Ghostbusters sequel/spinoff/reboot (this is still worse, to be frank), you still gotta feed the monkey somehow. He's also in Tosin, which is the same place Chi-Chi's tournament is being held! Add that to the list of plot conveniences in this movie. 

Hey, long as there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you need me to.

Mai tries to steal the Dragon Ball, but Goku is able to brush off being punched in the face and throw her off the cliff. So, is he a tweedy Luke Skywalker knockoff or is he the equivalent of Superman that his namesake is? This movie is really inconsistent with character power levels, and the amount of inconsistencies is definitely over 9000, if you'll pardon the overused internet meme as Goku and Roshi head to Tosin. I'm not going to question anything, but I am going to play this music.

Who can say where the road goes, where your heart goes? Only time!

Norris also has a backup plan in case they can't find all the Dragon Balls in time, and we see Tosin in some utterly terrible CGI tracking shots before we enter his temple. We're barely 50 minutes into this movie and I feel like I'm watching the cliff notes of the franchise up to this point rather than a proper adaptation of it. 

While Goku meets Chi-Chi at the tournament, Bulma and Yamcha try to form a bond despite the complete lack of chemistry between the actors. I must also note that in the original, Bulma wanted to find love, and Yamcha wanted to find confidence to talk to girls. Here, they want fortune and glory like a poor man's Indiana Jones; and the actors are clearly uncomfortable being in this close proximity to each other.

Something tells me that cringe isn't acting.

Mai also somehow survived the skirmish in the volcano, and has infiltrated the tournament for absurd reasons that I will get into. For now, while Roshi acquires a jar known as a Ma Fu Ba, Goku apparently is having trouble mastering the Kamehameha wave. (sighs) This is one of the more significant changes, as Goku is apparently having trouble learning it, whereas he was able to see Roshi do it once and nailed it on the first try; so much that he unwittingly blew up Bulma's car!

He is able to get the hang of it after lighting torch flames for Chi-Chi in more ways than one, whereas originally, he had to be told that touching ladies without consent wasn't kosher. Apparently, no one told TJ Miller; and that, along with that fake bomb threat are why he's not coming back for X-Force.

HADOKEN!

After that, we get the only action scene in the movie that's somewhat comprehensible in terms of editing and choreography; where Mai has somehow been able to turn into Chi-Chi to steal the Dragon Balls. Even though this movie spares us butchered versions of Emperor Pilaf and Shu, I still don't know how she can shapeshift. Sure, she was reasonably skilled in the source, but she's not the Terminatrix; as much as this movie wants her to be. She also injures Chi-Chi and Goku, but is unable to actually kill them. Again, I don't know the power levels in this movie; but it's usually nice to show what a character can and can't do, since we can avoid stuff like this. We then get a low-grade ancestral plane, which is just their homestead filmed in a blue filter.

If you must face Vader, you'll do it alone, I cannot interfere.

Also, their wounds are healed before Goku can learn more about the beast "Oozaru." What?! You're telling me that the Kamehameha wave can heal near-fatal wounds now? How the fuck does that even work? They don't even explain this before they go to the Dragon Temple to confront Piccolo before the eclipse begins. Maybe it's related the ki, but the movie doesn't establish how! (sighs) One hour down, only 25 minutes left to go. This is exactly what I mean about how some pacing is glossed over, and other scenes just drag on forever!  I'm not stopping once I've started. Let's take this bastard down!

They take a flying Hummer to the Dragon Temple to stop the ceremony, and this is one of the major problems with this movie: they try to make it more realistic, but by throwing stuff like this at us, it ends up giving the opposite effect of making things more absurd. In fact, this "nu-metal" butt-rock that passes for music is a less effective score, and this is much more effective.

As Piccolo places the Dragon Balls at the base of the temple, he has this to say about being imprisoned in the Ma Fu Ba in the vein of Rita Repulsa: "that was my Hell for 2,000 years."

James Marsters summarizes watching this movie in one line.

As Yamcha floors it, he then has this exchange with Bulma:

Bulma: I hope you're not trying to impress me.

Yamcha: Maybe if I don't scare the crap out you!

Fellas, I am neither; I am both disappointed and bored out of my gourd. Also, Goku has the idea to put on his grandfather's robes just as all the bad CGI ki attacks start flying and the car crashes. I think I had a costume like this one I when was 10 for Halloween.

Mike Nelson: There, sure glad I don't look stupid in this.

Also, the staging of this final battle is giving me flashbacks to the end of Mortal Kombat Annihilation. That's... not a good sign.

The earth was created in six days, so too shall it be destroyed!

So, rather than Oozaru being a massive kaiju contained within Goku, is apparently Piccolo's play against the world rather than his own henchmen.  His transformation also takes place during an eclipse rather than the full moon. Moreover, since Piccolo killed Gohan instead of Oozaru, this low-rent hulking out makes zero sense. Additionally, Krillin, the reason for Goku's fight against Piccolo is totally absent from the movie! The VFX are also godawful. It's astonishing how in 1991, James Cameron made people believe you could make a shapeshifting cyborg out of liquid metal; yet 18 years later, James Wong couldn't make people believe a young man can turn into a big ape. Above all, the design looks less three-dimensional than Donkey Kong; and it's definitely one of the most laughably-bad special effects in an already shitty-looking movie.

He has no style, he has no grace! Oozaru has a funny face!

The Ma Fu Ba inevitably fails, and as everyone else is manhandled, Roshi is able to get through to Goku inside Oozaru just before he's throttled! OK, here's the obligatory TFS clip.

Vegeta: (nosebleeds)
Nappa: You okay, Vegeta?
Vegeta: Yes, just- just an aneurysm out of sheer stupidity.
Nappa: Wow, didn't think you were that stupid, Vegeta!
(Vegeta screams)

Gee, it would have been nice if you tried that before this ape crushed your trachea, Roshi! Also, Mai gets killed in a badly-filmed gunfight; but whatever ends this movie is fine with me at this point. This also applies to the clumsy final battle of bad CGI ki attacks between Goku and Piccolo. I guess this movie has a numbing effect on your senses after a while. It's like the wonder of the original has been replaced by millions of dollars of CG fuckery that could have gone to curing more diseases than I care to list right now.

Somehow, Goku is able to master his inner ki power and defeat Piccolo with a single Kamehameha wave. Anticlimactic, but at least the eclipse has passed. The main problem is that the original source had reminders everywhere of how powerful Goku was, even as a young man. Here? Not a single scene gave any indication of this kind of power, it just comes out of nowhere. 

He is also able to use the Dragon Balls to complete the ceremony and summon Shenron!

Dormammu, I've come to bargain!

Once again, I must also point out how strangely fine Goku is with his grandfather dying; given how he's smirking like a young Derek Zoolander.

Uh James, shouldn't I be more broken up about this?
"No, keep rolling, trust me, it won't look awkward at all!"

So, as Roshi is revived and the Dragon Balls scatter across the world, we close on Goku winning Chi-Chi's heart as the two spar together.

Well, somebody saw Rocky III.

There's even a credits scene which features someone tending to Piccolo's wounds. Ha! They thought they were going to make a sequel! That's actually kind of cute!

Say hi to Azula and Sinestro for me, fellas.

So, before I give my final thoughts, allow Vegeta's rage breaking to express my displeasure with this film.

With almost a decade having passed since this film, while it has mostly been forgotten by general audiences; it has been remembered in infamy as a critical and commercial failure, largely because people online like to dunk on it, which suits me just fine. This movie sucks, check out the rest of my stuff if you want to see more.

All joking aside however, this is a textbook example of how not to adapt an anime or manga in live-action; and has been one of the few pieces of Dragon Ball material that Akira Toriyama has outright disowned. While he has disliked how the other adaptations have handled the manga beforehand, he REALLY didn't like this one. It was even a key factor in him getting directly involved with the series for the first time in years, starting from the Battle of the Gods movie (which was a vast improvement over this one).

Of course it's easy to tear this movie a new HFIL-hole because of the bad casting decisions, terrible plot and visuals that make me wonder how this movie was released in theaters when everything about it screams direct-to-video. However, my biggest criticism is one that I mentioned before; and is a problem that still persists with many subsequent adaptations. The film seems ashamed about what it is, and is openly trying to distance itself from its namesake. Yet, this ended up having the opposite effect of making the film even more ludicrous. It definitely is possible to have an outlandish story and have it be taken seriously as a film: Marvel Studios has made billions doing just that!

Yet, the key difference is the same problem I brought up before: rather than trying to embrace the more odd qualities about the source, they just said: "Let's take this successful, genre-defining property and do almost nothing that made it popular! It'll make millions!"

While I still remain skeptical about the future of adapting these stories in live-action, I keep hoping one day that we can put this cinematic excrement behind us and get more people behind the camera that will make stories they would want to see as much as the fans would. It's a simple truth that's often forgotten: when people are given control of something they don't understand and refuse to admit it, the results can be disastrous.

In any case, I hope any future attempt at adapting this 'verse in live-action treats this dreck like the Ang Lee Hulk or the 1978 Lord of the Rings movie: if someone cares enough about the material and is willing to put enough money behind it, it could be closer to what I was hoping for when I was younger. Yet, I am indeed satisfied with the animated material I've gotten in its stead; and maybe they don't need to make the adaptations in live-action. If the medium is best-suited to animation, maybe that's for the best for this saga and any future material. Suffice to say, I could easily wish a Spirit Bomb upon this movie, but instead, I'm choosing to let it live in infamy as one of the worst films I've ever seen. Moreover, if they keep trying to sell me things like the "spine story" of an over-CGI'd Alita; then I will continue to stay home and buy tickets to Aquaman and Bumblebee instead. The reason is simple: I don't want an adaptation to merely get the "spine" of its source, I want it to get the spirit, the soul of what made the original work. It doesn't have to be exact, but it just has to get the essence of what I love about it. At the end of the day, that's all I really want.

So, as the first half of my final year of this blog winds down; I'm going to watch Dragon Ball Super and the final chapters of Dragon Ball Z Kai, and be done with this movie forever. See you, space cowboy.