Recap: Cobra Strike

Hello again. It's been a solid while since I've done a recap, hasn't it? Well, I've been busy packing to move; and I will probably do so this week. I have the notes taken for the recap, but due to time constraints, I'm not going to be able to write up my recap in Open Office like I normally do. I'm going to copy and paste my notes on Blogger, and fill in the rest on my own.

So, what am I going to recap today? Well, with GI Joe Retaliation finally coming out after being delayed for several months; I've been feeling in kind of a GI Joe mood. It just so happens that there is a GI Joe anime that aired a while back. It is GI Joe Sigma Six, a series produced by anime studio Gonzo; commissioned by Hasbro to sell the incarnation of the GI Joe action figure line of the same name.

As I remember, it's not very good, and with this in mind, you're in for a big rant today. So let's open up "Cobra Strike" and see just how useful knowing about this anime will be in battle.

Crappy anime at five clicks!

We open on the North Pole. So, they were ruining this location even before GI Joe The Rise of Cobra.

22 seconds in, and we get mecha. And no, Gonzo doesn't work the same magic they do with Full Metal Panic in combining mecha and paramilitary combat.




Also, the CGI is just trash. We're talking Asylum levels here.

The mecha are from Cobra. This is almost as asinine as the nanomite solution from GI Joe The Rise of Cobra. Sorry, I'm going to keep my hatred for that movie at a minimum, and focus on this anime.

Now, here comes the theme song. The original theme song is a classic, and I'm posting a link of it to prove it. Now, let's hear a memory that I very carefully blocked out and has since been dredged up.



Stop Cobra Stop Cobra Stop Cobra! The narration manages to butcher the credo of the team in the first few seconds. Somebody should have given the editor/lyricist some Ritalin.

The tune is full of quiet-loud-quiet-loud bleating, and the imagery is full of rough cuts and staggered edits.

You know, this came out at a time when GI Joe was losing ground to stuff like Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh. If they were trying to commission an anime to horn in on that market, this was NOT the way to accomplish it!

Bleugh. This is an even worse theme song and opening than Mega Man NT Warrior. And that is saying something.





We start off with Duke and Scarlett in snowmobile-tanks and-

*piff* (bursts out laughing) Oh my! And I thought the CGI texture work and ice physics in Rise of Cobra were bad! OK, I'm not going to make any more Rise of Cobra jokes; but for the record, I'm going to keep track of how many Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made.

We get some exposition from Duke about how they captured Cobra Commander last month, and have been training since then. So, bad animation, bad music, and bad writing. We're only 2 and a half minutes in, folks. Not too late to change the channel.

By the way, you can't see this from the screencaps, but there's been a ludicrous amount of shaky cam in this anime. You know, that technique that looks like the scene is shot with a handheld camcorder that's been in most action movies made since Armageddon? If they're trying to use these tactics to get kids to like GI Joe again, it's not working.

We also get Scarlett, and boy is she disappointing. She doesn't even have the right shade of red in her hair, but I guess "Strawberry Blonde" wouldn't have sold as many toys.





Snake Eyes, so far, is the only one that's really been represented well, which isn't surprising as he was one of the first Western interpretations of ninjas. The way he's slicing up these Cobra mecha is one of the few good things about this anime.

Oh, and apparently he has a couple apprentices, Jinx and Kanekura.

Our next operative is Long Range. What's up with him? He looks like a mixture of Dan Hibiki and Tamaki from Deadman Wonderland! You know, there's a line between bishonen and unsightly vile. Thankfully, Long Range is nowhere near that line, he's just unsightly vile.

Now we're in the Amazon? And the exposition is still going? Hey, they're called "transitions." Use them!

Anyway, we get Heavy Duty, who's part of the Joes' Amazon base, in charge of supply caches.

Duke remarks he's strong as an elephant. He also looks like one, given that his features are warped to David Lynch proportions.

Tunnel Rat. Demolitions expert. Too bad he's not as worth having in your collection as Firefly or Stalker.

High Tech is in command of their base in Arizona. Yet, I just don't find him as appealing a techie as Breaker.

So, that was almost 4 minutes of exposition. Somethings that I decided not to screencap from it include Heavy Duty getting scared by a mouse (Rise of Cobra Jokes I could have made: 1) and Tunnel Rat eating a cockroach. Little side note: this incarnation of GI Joe was canceled due to poor ratings; even though toy sales were relatively decent. (Rise of Cobra Jokes I could have made: 2)


Oh, by Roshi's beard, he's still going! He's still spouting off exposition! The only diegetic dialogue we've had so far is from a damn computer! Get on with it!


So, now we arrive at Cobra's base. As per usual, it's typical cartoon supervillain architecture of a giant cobra.

We see Destro and the Baroness playing chess. They seem to have retained their respective Scottish and Eastern European accents; as well as their relationship.

Still, we can't really see their faces that well because of the chessboard and other holographs. Given how the anime character designs aren't very good; this is a bonus.

Destro wins the game, represented by a barely-readable piece of Engrish saying "Destro's Win."

Ho boy, what is Baroness wearing? Why aren't there any sleeves on her suit? Why is she wearing Freddy Kruger claws for gloves? Five minutes in. This episode is 21 minutes long. Expect a lot of asking questions like that in this recap.

Anyway, she summons the Cobra Vipers to strike on the other bases. We are then treated to a rather supple bust shot. Least we can have her sex appeal and entertain someone, and I say that as a guy who got really angry over Tamaki's misogynistic treatment of Haruhi.

Thank heaven for small favors.

Back in the Amazon, Tunnel Rat flops over a chair, and Heavy Duty tells him to get back to work. The dialogue here is rather...Bay-like.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H15TT8CKltM


The way Tunnel Rat complains... he's definitely the character that I really don't like in this anime. Even though Heavy Duty looks worse than Birdie and he speaks like John Coffey after his fifth absorption of burden; he's still a relatively decent character. Most GI Joe collections have figures that usually are sucky members. Usually, you only own them because they came with a vehicle or had a weapon you wanted.

Hey, doors don't open like that. There's a number. HE'S IN THE HALL!

As Tunnel Rat continues to whine, Heavy Duty just shoves him back into work. I could honestly watch that for a loop of 15 minutes.

Tunnel Rat opens the door to get the rest of their equipment, and in comes a wave of badly-composited Cobra mecha. Seriously, Joel, Mike, Servo, and Crow would have a field day with this.

A typical reaction from anyone who sees this anime.

Here's a charming sight- one of the mecha is pointing its gun right at the screen. Good job, scare the kids into keeping it on this waste of animation!

They left their weapons outside. They're part of GI Joe, one of the most well-known paramilitary forces in all of popular culture, and they left their weapons outside. If they're making stupid mistakes like this, I'd sooner trust Hogan's Heroes in combat then I would these ass clowns!

Enter Storm Shadow back at the North Pole. He is Snake Eyes rival, as they trained under the same sensei. In some stories, because their sensei favored Snake Eyes instead of him, Storm Shadow betrayed and murdered their sensei; which led to Snake Eyes taking a vow of silence.

While Snake Eyes takes on Storm Shadow, Jinx and Kanekura try to evade more Cobra mecha. The action here is clumsy and badly-edited. I haven't been this close to motion sickness from a movie or TV show since Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Same deal of bad camera work and shots that last less than 5 seconds.

They have wrist lasers to deal with the mecha. ... Somebody call my therapist.



Yet, they just keep sending more mecha after them. It's turned into a bloody video game!

Naturally, Duke and Scarlett plow through the mecha with their snowmobile-tanks; and Storm Shadow makes a dry comment and slips away. Looks like my statement of this anime turning into a video game is correct. All that's missing is my brother's Xbox controller.


Back in the Amazon, Heavy Duty and Tunnel Rat are cornered. Tunnel Rat decides to sacrifice their supplies by tossing a handful of grenades at the mecha, and then they dive away from the explosion. Yep, this is slowly but surely turning into a game of Metal Slug. (Rise of Cobra Jokes I could have made: 3)

So, Cobra has a castle in the arctic.

The castle is firing at them. I am seriously running out of things to say about this anime, and I'm not even halfway through. (Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made: 4)

Duke calls in Long Range for backup. He barrels in with an armored Humvee. As I said, some GI Joe figures are only in a person's collection because they were packed with a vehicle.

OK, just because you can use CGI for battles, doesn't mean you should. (Rise of Cobra Jokes I could have made: 5)

Another thing, the voice acting is horrid. The lines are delivered with a mess of different accents and makes it so the voice "acting" is anything but. Was there valium in the water in the recording studio?

Heavy Duty berates Tunnel Rat for taking out their supplies, and Tunnel Rat makes another quip as he eats a worm. Oh, that's wonderful. You're making Tommy Chong's food look like gourmet cooking.

Duke contacts High Tech to get a schematic of Cobra's base. I'm still wishing they could have had Breaker in this role. (Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made: 6)


Oh, the truck is called the Rhino. That name was inherited from sister series MASK, which was acquired by Hasbro when they bought out Kenner in the early 1990s.

True to its namesake, the Rhino is a truck that turns into a helicopter.

As Scarlett flies the helicopter toward the base, I remain adamant in my belief that this episode was a starting point for a GI Joe Sigma Six video game that was ultimately never released.

Naturally, we have even more Cobra mecha, but these are black instead of blue.

Scarlett handily dispatches the mecha, and begins attacking the base. (Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made: 7)

Long Range decides to put the pedal to the metal so they can shut off the base's shield from the inside, and it naturally has an unnecessarily slow-moving door.

Duke has a mecha too? I get the feeling this was also a concept for a revival of Transformers Vs. GI Joe, but it never came to fruition. It could also be said that the military becoming the main humans in Transformers 4 may also be the seed of a Transformers Vs. GI Joe movie; but I daresay I'm getting ahead of myself.

Duke storms into Destro and Baroness' chamber, brandishing his sidearm. 14 minutes in; I'm not getting that back.

t turns out that they were only holographs, and Duke asks High Tech to run some "searchware." There's no such thing as "searchware."

Then, wouldn't you know it, Cobra's base is collapsing, and the voiceover work is truly atrocious.

Scarlett thinks the tower is on fire. No it isn't, it's collapsing. Structurally unsound. It's coming down anyway.




Snake Eyes, Jinx, and Kanekura come in and slice apart more mecha. You see? That traditionally animated stuff is decent, why don't you put in more of that?

The tower is a rocket, and Scarlett delivers the line "Oh no! Duke is still inside that thing!" with the caliber of Tommy Wiseau.



Scarlett says that it's not a tower at all, it's a rocket. Everybody who doesn't have the observational skill of a floor lamp has already figured this out.

As if the rocket wasn't enough, it's rigged to blow up. It's clear that the situation has reached Joel Schumacher-level camp.

So, I'm not kidding, High Tech actually tries to decrypt the rocket so Scarlett can fire a cable onto it so Duke can escape. The Digimon movie's "Our War Game" segment didn't have this level of idiocy. I can't believe I actually said something positive about that movie.


This whole sequence was clearly conceived by people who don't know anything about hacking, much like the bulk of depictions of hacking in movies and on TV. Seto Kaiba's L33T HAXXOR skills were more believable than this.

Now we're on a skydive scene with little oxygen and no pressure suit. This is trying way too hard to be EXTREME! for the kids.

I don't believe this. Duke actually dove without a chute, and Scarlett actually flew the helicopter lower to catch up to him! This is going past anime ludicrousness and straight into the insanity of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon!

Despite the rapid drop in altitude, Scarlett manages to right the helicopter in a situation where it would have crashed and they would be GI Roadkill. All right. Cue the music.


Suddenly, the ice starts breaking. (Rise of Cobra jokes I could have made: 8)

The Cobra base is an aircraft carrier. I say just go with it, we've only got a minute left.

Back at HQ, Duke addresses the other Joes about Cobra's threat.

Well, now I know why I don't remember this anime. Frankly, I didn't want to remember this anime! I am honestly appalled that we as humanity could put such a blight on TV! And you know what? Years later, they put out a really good GI Joe show with anime influence, GI Joe Resolute!

"Cobra Strike" is definitely one of the worst episodes I've had to recap for this blog. Everything about it seems like it was just thrown together. The animation, the writing, the voice acting-it's easily the Ninja Turtles: Next Mutation of the franchise. I just hope that GI Joe Retaliation is better than this. I will not be doing another recap until after I move, which should be in mid-April. See you space cowboy.

Top 13 Anime Endings

Hello again. Earlier this month, I did a piece on the top 13 anime openings of mine. Now, I'm going to do one on my top 13 anime endings. Since I'm low on hard drive space, there will be no pictures this time. Here we go!

13. Trust Me (Durarara ending 1)

Durarara has been one of my favorite anime of recent years, and this ending theme exemplifies that. With a catchy rap tune and obligatory gratuitous English, this song is perfect to kick off the list.

12. Raspberry Heaven (Azumanga Daioh Ending)

I've talked about Azumanga Daioh a lot in some of my other blog entries, but it bears mentioning again for its ending. The show as a whole is a relaxing slice of life piece with some surreal elements, and the ending works in that way as well. I didn't really start listening to it until the second half of the series, and I was glad I did.

11. Dragon Ball Z Ending from Saiyaman Saga Onward

This was one of the first anime endings I listened to. Much like the opening to Trigun, it's essentially one continuous guitar riff, perfect for headbanging to.

10. Hamtaro Ending

This one is a bit more obscure. Even though Hamtaro was reasonably popular when it first came out, it has since proven increasingly hard to find (part of the reason I have not yet done a recap of it). Out of the 296 episodes, only 104 got dubbed in English, and only 9 got released on VHS and DVD. Still, the ending is light and bubbly, perfect to kick off the top 10.

9. Nichijou Ending 1

I like Nichijou very much. It is among my favorite slice of life series, and it produced some very catchy songs. This first ending theme is another soothing piece, played in different tempos and musical styles each time it appears. While the second ending is good to, the first ending will remain a favorite of mine for some time.

8. I Love You, I Love You Baby (Binbogami Ga! Ending)

The ending to Binbogami Ga! is another piece full of gratuitous English and a key piece of bubbly J-pop. I have talked about the series before in some of my other posts, so this ending is in my head consistently.

7. Soul Eater Ending 1

I've been really into Soul Eater since 2011, and this first ending theme proves to be a great measure of alternative rock. With a mild hook and transition into quiet-loud-quiet-loud rocking; it is a nice ending for the first quarter of the show.


6. Pokérap (Pokémon)

This was the very first anime ending I ever saw, and it remains in my head to this day. I can often sing it a cappella, and I'm not afraid of the looks I get when I sing it on the bus on my iPod (I've built up an image of being weird, and I seek to maintain it). It captures the absolute joy that is Pokémon to me.

5. Party Party, Join Us Join Us (Shin Chan)

Rounding out the top 5, the reason why I chose this ending is because it has not only a catchy tune, but imagery to make it look like a more innocent show than it really is (save for a shot of Shin's rear). I haven't seen the Japanese version, but Funimation's gag dub has effectively turned it into a Japanese version of South Park; with its cutesy art style being offset by a stream of vulgarities and cynical social commentary and pop culture references.

4. Mystic Eyes (The Vision of Escaflowne)

I have a grand appreciation for Escaflowne, which is why I included the ending theme. It is a great example of 1996-era J-pop, and a massive earworm at that. The way the singer sings and the gratuitous English of the theme song really packs a punch; and another part of the broad appeal Escaflowne has.

3. Underground (Gurren Lagann Ending 1)

I have talked about Gurren Lagann so much, so I'm going to keep my thoughts on the first ending brief. High Voltage crafted a rockin' theme song for the first part of the series that is yet another ear worm for me. While the second ending, "Minna No Peace" is all right, the first ending will be better this way for me.

2. Fly Me To The Moon (Neon Genesis Evangelion)

This is one of the few theme songs that existed before the anime it was used in came out. Each time it's used in Evangelion, it's done in a different musical style and by a different singer. I have to admire that, and it's one of the great touches in one of Gainax's finest works.

1. Run, Run, Run! (One Piece Ending 2)

This is my favorite anime ending. There have been 9 endings so far at the point I've reached in One Piece (I've just started the Skypiea arc); and this is one that I feel captures the optimism and wonder of the series best. On top of that, every time I listen to it, every time it's in my head, it cheers me up no matter how bad I feel.

So that's the top 13 anime endings. I am watching the Daicon openings, so after that, I'm going to start work on the next recap. Of what it will be on, let's just say that it's the land of the rising sun's take on a real American hero. See you space cowboy.

Top 13 Anime Openings

Hello again. Well, I'm still in the process of moving; so I've been busy with things other than this blog. I have found time to watch anime, and this whole situation has made me more willing to listen to the theme songs of it. So, this post and the next one are going to be on anime theme songs. This first one will be on the openings, the next one will be on the endings. So, let's get started.

13. Towards The Light (One Piece Opening 3)

I tend to watch One Piece on Fridays and Saturdays; and I have expanded to Thursdays given this whole situation this month. There have been three opening themes so far at the point I'm in; and this one has to be my favorite. It has done the best job of capturing the optimism and wonder of One Piece, with a bubbly and light tune. It is a perfect song to kick off this list.

12. No Need to Promise (The Vision of Escaflowne)

Of some of the series that I've picked up, Escaflowne has been regarded as a classic; and for good reason. It may be a shojo piece, but it manages to combine elements of romance, fantasy, science fiction, and drama in one series; giving it a very broad appeal. The theme song is a heartfelt and refreshing opening that manages to convey the tone of the series well, and makes me glad every time I listen to it.

11. Digimon Theme

The original Digimon theme is one of the themes I remember growing up. I can say it still holds up today. With its raw and scratchy electroclash, this was the anime theme song that signaled the end of the '90s and the beginning of the 2000s. More than adequate for this spot.

10. Rock The Dragon (Dragon Ball Z)

I was about 8 when the Dragon Ball Z craze was in full swing, so I would naturally have this theme song on my list. While "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" does have merit (I mostly know it from being the opening Team Four Star uses); this song really fits the intense action of the show more. "Dragon Soul" of Dragon Ball Z Kai is decent, but it doesn't really match the testosterone-laden heavy metal style of this song. That's why I'm using it for the 10 spot on my list.


9. Go Speed Racer Go

I tend to be using a lot of common anime theme songs in this list, but that's mostly because anime tends to be such a divisive medium among Americans that it's to this day, a niche market. Even so, there are times when a show becomes a hit in the vein of Star Wars or The Avengers; becoming a zeitgeist-crossing institution in America. Speed Racer is, for better or worse, one such anime. This catchy theme song exemplifies that. While the original Japanese theme song for "Mach Go Go" (the Japanese version of Speed Racer) was airy, this song was recorded in the middle of when bands such as the Beatles and the Rolling Stones were making inroads in the 1960s. It is such an earworm to this day, that every time a new Speed Racer adaptation is made (such as the 2008 film adaptation by the Wachowskis), a new version is recorded to match the musical style that's popular when the adaptation comes out. It is such an enduring song that I'm including here.

8. Bleach Opening 2 (Afterlife)

I've had a rather interesting experience with Bleach. While the anime is over in Japan (the remaining episodes are still being dubbed), the manga is continuing, and it's gotten a wedge driven between its fandom due to the many filler arcs in it. I personally consider filler to be a necessary evil in anime; and I like the show even as others abandon it. The opening I'm using is from the arc that truly got me into the show, The Entry/The Rescue. It had some of the best fights and situations of the show; and one of the catchiest openings to go with it. The first Bleach opening was a light pop song that was wholly inappropriate for this type of show; while the second had an orchestral/rock fusion in the vein of bands like Yes. It remains my favorite opening for how far I've gotten (I'm almost done with the Bount arc); none has topped it so far.

7. Young Boy, Become A Legend (Neon Genesis Evangelion)

This theme song is one of my favorite Studio Gainax themes; taken from Evangelion, their famed deconstruction of the mecha genre. Its imagery and tune will be in your head for some time if you elect to watch it. It has been parodied and homaged by an innumerable number of fans and often comes up in classes about Japanese culture on college campuses.

6. Fancy Hearing Cake (Azumanga Daioh)

The theme song to the first and one of the best slice of life anime I watched, "Fancy Hearing Cake" is a whimsical tune that earns its place among the other earworms on this list. The lyrics and imagery of this song don't make a lick of sense, but they don't have to. The song is perfect to open the adventures of Chiyo and her high school class.

5. Pokémon Theme

In the 16 years Pokémon has been running, there have been many theme songs to it, and this one that was in the first season remains the best. It manages to quickly affirm what the show is about and state its goal. The way they do this is through one of the catchiest theme songs of any TV show. I assure that if you've heard it at least once, you'll probably never be able to get it out of your head for the rest of your life. It is that good.

4. Cowboy Bebop Theme

The theme to Cowboy Bebop is-what else?-a jazzy piece of Bebop that sets the noirish tone for the show. Cowboy Bebop is among my favorite anime from Toonami/early Adult Swim; so it's natural that this theme stuck out at me.

3. Trigun Theme

Naturally, Trigun is also among my favorites from that era, as a companion piece to Cowboy Bebop, so its theme song goes here as well. It's essentially one continuous guitar riff; so feel free to commence headbanging.

2. Sorairo Days (Gurren Lagann)

This is my favorite Studio Gainax opening. As I've said before, if Evangelion is the cynical side of Mecha, then Gurren Lagann is the optimistic side. This song is a prime example of that, going throughout the entire 26-episode run of the show; showcasing Simon's journey throughout the whole thing.

1. Remote Perception (Code Geass Opening 2)

Now, my favorite anime theme song must come as a surprise to all of you. I actually didn't like the first Code Geass opening. It just sounded like elevator music to me. This opening, however, had a gritty four-chord guitar hook and a scratchy and raw punk sound to it. It is still in my head to this day, since I first heard it in 2011. That is why it's my favorite anime theme song.

So, there's the anime openings. Join me next time for my favorite anime endings. See you space cowboy.

One Piece to air on Toonami. Set sail for adventure and fun. Also, Evangelion 1.11 and TOM redesign.

Hello again. I just thought I'd share this piece of anime news, because it quite literally came up about 5 minutes ago.

I have just found out via Anime News Network that One Piece is scheduled to air on Toonami later this year. The series previously ran on the block from 2007-2008, and has since been simulcasting Japanese subtitled episodes on Funimation's website since 2009; with dubbed episodes typically premiering on Fridays and Saturdays.

This means several things. First off, it means that the "big 3" series are airing together on the same block. Second, it means that the version they air will most likely be the uncut version (the version you watch on Funimation's website and on the DVD sets). Third, it means that the series has another chance of crossing over with the anime fandom. While the 4Kids dub may live in infamy among fans (I personally see it as part of the reason why the company is no longer in business); the Funimation dub and the manga have helped it recover. Putting the series on Toonami will help it connect with new audiences as well as existing ones.

Another thing, Evangelion 1.11: You Are (Not) Alone is planned to air from 1-3:30A, and TOM is scheduled to be redesigned. I have gotten a bit further in Evangelion, and am wondering what the new TOM will look like.

That will be all for now. I'm still working on moving, so I probably won't write another recap until later this month. I will do some top 13 lists, though. Until then, I leave you with the opening theme for how far I've gotten in the series.