We open on another remix of the original Transformers theme song, this time with a sort of electronic dance beat to it. Just as well, given that the theme song to the last Transformers anime I recapped was also very synthesizer-heavy. That style of music tends to cycle in and out of fashion every decade or so.
As you can tell, the CGI is pretty bad, but trust me when I say it's going to get worse. A lot worse.
So, here we are. The worst episode of the worst Transformers anime, as well as the worst Transformers adaptation I've ever seen. Yes, even worse than the much-reviled Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen. (I explained before in my recap of Four Warriors Come out of the Sky that Transformers Kiss Players is a line I will not cross. I try to keep my blog work-safe, and I've heard Kiss Players borders on hentai.)
We open on Galvatron telling us that before we watch, we should turn on the lights. This is a bit from the Japanese version, Super Link, where not only the Decepticons, but the Autobots say you have to watch in a room that's well-lit. Messages like this appear before some anime I've watched subtitled, either in the form of text on the screen, or before the show starts with the cast telling you to.
We begin on Hot Shot and Rodimus (a name for Hot Rod that's easier for Hasbro to trademark than the latter) greeting the crowd in a giant stadium. Opposite them are Mirage and "some guy in a giant cape-thingy." Those are the exact words the commentators used. As you can tell, the writing is terrible, but from what I've seen from the Japanese version, there's not much that can be done to save it. It's another Transformers episode that ranks with "BOT" among the worst in writing.
Also, Mirage sounds like the late Randy "Macho Man" Savage; which is appropriate given the subject matter of this episode. The Decepticon throws off his cape to reveal that it's Tidal Wave, the massive Decepticon aircraft carrier!
Hot Shot is surprised at Tidal Wave. Of course, you can't really tell, since the CGI is incapable of conveying any facial emotion besides "open and close mouth." It actually gets so bad in parts of the series that they actually had to go back to traditional animation just to convey more emotion. That really is saying something. What's more, Beast Wars came out close to a decade prior and had CGI characters that could convey emotions in their faces. So, just to recap, they have money to spend on CGI, but it's so badly-done that traditional animation is a more convincing special effect. The way they're going, one could buy a lot of the toys on eBay and put on their own little version of Robot Chicken to convey more emotion!
Wow, that was a long rant. We're only a minute in, folks. The episode is 22 minutes long. If you want to watch this, I don't recommend watching it sober.
So, Hot Shot and Rodimus leap towards Mirage and Tidal Wave...
...and it cuts right to them already winning. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va5_rn3vG3A
That's the only time I'm using that in this recap. There are honestly not enough times Krusty the Clown can say that to this slag.
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| I believe this fits into one of the levels of hell mentioned in the Divine Comedy. |
This isn't helped any further by the commentators, who look like a strange blend of Bulma's mom from Dragon Ball Z and T-AI from Transformers: Robots in Disguise. Transformers: Robots In Disguise is a much better Transformers anime, yet it has not gotten a DVD release in the US. Since Hasbro got Transformers Animated on the Hub, I hope they can do the same for Transformers: Robots in Disguise.
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| You think we'd be working in a place like this if we could afford real snakes? |
Alpha Q asks whats going on, as its five faces try to ponder what's happening. They're not the only ones. They determine it's a virtual training program. In other words, a video game. And not a good one like Transformers: War for Cybertron and Transformers: Fall of Cybertron. It's compared to TV wrestling: "you can't tell what's real and what's fake!" Well, your robots look almost as fake as the ones in mockbusters of this series from The Asylum or Video Brinquedo. At one point, Alpha Q suggests changing the channel. Good idea. Switch over to reruns of Star Trek Voyager, folks, these people don't know what they're doing.
We then get Optimus Prime and Wing Saber facing off against Cliffjumper and Landmine. If anything, the deficiencies in the CGI are softened whenever it depicts characters that wear faceplates and don't have visible mouths. By the way, Wing Saber is a character that originated in one of the G1 anime. As far as I know, this is his first official Western appearance to Transformers fans.
Cliffjumper taunts his superior, while Landmine tells him to zip it. Cliffjumper fires back at Landmine. I know most versions of Cliffjumper have him depicted as kind of cocky (I imagine if he appears in Transformers 4, he'll be a red 2015 Camaro concept voiced by Bruce Campbell); but he wouldn't mouth off to the Autobot Commander.
We then get one of the staples of Energon: Power Linking. This was a large gimmick in the Energon toys, and damn it, they're going to show it as much as they can! Optimus and Wing Saber combine.
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| Only $14.95 each! Available wherever toys are sold! |
With this, Optimus Saber just shoots a bunch of lasers at Cliffjumper and Landmine. They win the match that easily. Ironhide, if you may.
Regarding these still frames: they were making fun of the ad bumpers, or eyecatches that were played on these episodes. You'll be seeing them a lot, folks.
Ironhide and Jetfire face off against Scorponok and...Alpha Q. Yes, really. I think I'm going to be sick.
Ironhide remarks at Alpha Q. Regarding the Energon version of Ironhide. He's essentially the kid-appeal character for this series. He's the one the viewers are supposed to connect with and want to buy the merchandise of. Sadly, they paired him with Kicker Jones, one of my most hated anime characters and one of the most hated Transformers characters ever. We'll do another episode that exposes more of his flaws sometime.
Also, this dub has a lot of usage of "Huh?" to fill dead air. The pages for this anime on TFwiki.net include all the ones in each episode in their "pain count".
Ironhide and Jetfire Power Link, giving us Iron Fire!
Sure enough, Scorponok shoves Alpha Q aside as he clashes with Iron Fire. The fight scene is incoherent and badly-animated, as are all the fight scenes in this episode. So, bad animation, bad writing, and bad dubbing: looks like we have a rush job here. Be very afraid.
They just decide to cut to another fight.
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| Here is the point where Transformers fans started thinking, "Hey, maybe Beast Machines isn't so bad." |
Our next matchup is between a pair of Infernos, Sixshot, and Shockblast. Sixshot is another version of the character from my recap of "Four Warriors Come out of the Sky." This time, he isn't a six-changer. Also, Shockblast is what they're calling Shockwave in this anime (at the time of airing, Hasbro could not secure the trademark "Shockwave".). Shockblast says he wants to smash in Inferno's mainframe. Not only is the CGI terrible, but the character is all wrong. Shockwave, in most given Transformers adaptations, is cold and calculating. He bases all his decisions in logic and science. Shockblast is just another trigger-happy moron that could easily be filled by a different role! Sixshot tells him to calm down. (sighs) Five. Minutes. In. If anything, seeing the legs of the female commentator does soften the pain somewhat.
The Infernos challenge Sixshot and Shockblast. Sixshot suggests they shake hands, and Shockblast shoots them when they come up. So much for chivalry.
The next battle is between Constructicon Maximus and Bruticus Maximus in the Decepticons. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYkpuGIRql0
Up against them is Superion Maximus for the Autobots.
When Constructicon Maximus combines, it is one of the cases where it has to go back to traditional animation, because the CGI is that bad.
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| Something is seriously wrong here. |
I'm serious. Bruticus Maximus also has his transformation scene done with traditional animation to compensate for the ineptitude of the CGI.
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| This defies all possible logic. |
What do you know, Superion Maximus also has his transformation sequence done with traditional animation because of the CGI being so bad.
The fight begins, and it cuts to another one of those eyecatches.
We cut back to the fight with Iron Fire and Scorponok. Scorponok tries to shoot him, but Iron Fire leaps up and holds the Energon Saber up to his throat.
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| You will get me into a better Transformers show, or off with your head! |
The match is called with Iron Fire as the victor. Jetfire congratulates Ironhide.
Prowl and Downshift (the Japanese version called him Wheeljack, once again, Hasbro couldn't get the trademark at the time of airing) attempt to Power Link. They both link with their upper halves.
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| I know there's a joke here, but I'm above it. |
Snowcat and Demolishor then Power Link. Their results aren't any better.
Their eyecatch is an impression of the Fusion Dance from Dragon Ball Z.
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| You'll be hearing from Akira Toriyama's lawyers, boys. |
Rodimus and Hot Shot now face Optimus and Wing Saber. We're just barely halfway through this, folks.
Optimus Saber again takes the stage. Well, I might as well put in The Touch.
After another eyecatch, Optimus Saber tells Rodimus and Hot Shot not to just stand there. He's got a point, this doesn't make sense to people who haven't seen Super Link. Or anyone else, for that matter.
Ironhide and Jetfire now face Shockblast and Sixshot. This is getting more tedious with every passing minute. Jetfire reminds Ironhide it's only a training program. Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that.
We then get a Power Link between Jetfire and Ironhide, producing Jet Hide.
Sixshot simply wiggles his horn and disables Jet Hide. ... What was the point of that? Why do they keep making the fights this bad? What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?
We then get ANOTHER eyecatch with Ironhide calling Jetfire's name!
Superion Maximus then continues his fight. He just goes in guns blazing.
Now, in the second half, all hope of coherent storytelling goes out the window. I say that it's time to put on "Dare to Be Stupid" again.
Back at Hot Shot and Rodimus' fight with Optimus Saber, they are not doing well. They Power Link again, producing Rodimus Shot.
Rodimus Shot punches Optimus Saber so hard that the screen flashes. We still have at least 9 minutes to go.
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| Is this how you end a fight? Did we run out of ink? The movie better make up for this, I tell you. |
Demolishor and Snowcat wonder what their prize is. I can tell you right now: watching this is a booby prize. It's good for taking up space in DVD collections and killing brain cells. That's about it.
Their opponents are Galvatron and Starscream. Demolishor and Snowcat are surprised that they destroyed some of their clones. They talk about taking out their frustration on him, then go back on it immediately.
Optimus Prime comes in to help Superion Maximus, and I honestly don't know what's going on with this design. Energon had some very weird designs; but I've seen Final Fantasy characters with more symmetrical add-ons. Death the Kid would FLIP at this.
Oh, he's combined with the Energon version of Omega Supreme. OK then.
Optimus Supreme just casually walks towards Constructicon Maximus and Bruticus Maximus as he takes their blast. I will admit, this is pretty cool, despite this being such a subpar episode. I think I'll put on Dare to commemorate this.
Optimus Supreme then leaps into the air, and just grabs Bruticus Maximus by the neck and lifts him into the air. Then, he hurls him into Constructicon Maximus!
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| DARE! DARE TO BELIEVE YOU CAN SURVIVE! YOU HOLD THE FUTURE IN YOUR HAND! |
Optimus Supreme then flies right out of the ring and grapples them down headfirst!
We've now reached the semifinals. Thank Primus. Hot Shot and Rodimus are up against Sixshot and Shockblast. It quickly devolves into one of each team riding the other. This has quickly turned into a game of Mario Kart.
Shockblast and Sixshot then start fighting each other. Only 5 minutes left. Let's get this over with.
Sixshot wiggles his horn and disables Shockblast, and tries to do the same to Rodimus and Hot Shot.
Rodimus and Hot Shot then use their internal sparks to block the pain, because it doesn't exist. I pretty much stopped trying to apply logic to this a while ago. I recommend you do the same if you're self-loathing enough to watch this.
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| Processor over matter...go watch Transformers Animated, it's a better Transformers show. |
They again Power Link to Hot Rodimus. That's not just one of my terms to refer to Power Linked robots, that's actually one of the names that Hasbro uses for Hot Rod, because it's easier to trademark. I'm talking a lot about trademarks in this episode, mostly because I'm trying to take my mind off this tripe.
Hot Rodimus shoots Shockblast, and it cuts back to Demolishor and Snowcat being utterly massacred by Galvatron and Starscream. This is moderately satisfying.
It turns out his next opponent is Optimus Prime. Galvatron will have none of this, and just walks out.
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| Screw this episode, I'm going home. |
We now approach the final match.
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| Whoever wins, you lose. |
The last battle has arrived, and Optimus Prime again brings in Omega Supreme.
They again Power Link to Optimus Supreme.
...And they get disqualified because they stepped outside the ring. WHAT?! You seriously did this? You sunk so low as to cop out of an actual final battle? This is Monster A Go-Go level of wrong!
Anyway, Hot Shot and Rodimus win by default. That means the episode is over, right? Wrong!
They get to battle a special guest fighter! The answer is...Unicron!
...And he's tiny. I know scale tends to be tricky in Transformers, but honestly? You've already sunk as low as you can, and yet you keep asking for more!
Anyway, Unicron transforms to fight.
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| For a time, I considered sparing your anime Energon. Now you shall witness its dismemberment! |
Kicker then comments on the dumb games of the Autobots. In the Japanese version, he more appropriately says there was no point to this, and I agree.
"Distribution" is by far one of the worst episodes I've chosen to recap for this blog. Despite an interesting moment or two, absolutely nothing about it or this series works. It may have camp value, but at times, it reaches a point where it stops being an anime and starts being an exercise in nihilism. As for Kicker, I will probably do another Energon recap that focuses more on him, but my next Transformers-related recap will be on Armada. I mentioned before that I find it OK, but there is a lot to make fun of. Summer vacation has begun, so I will have another recap ready to commemorate the occasion. That's all I have to say, and I will see you later.
