Recap: Count to Three

Hello again. This year has been particularly plagued by technical problems; chiefly pertaining to my internet connection; that have been keeping me from getting recaps done. My primary places I use the web are being upgraded, so that should help. Still, living in the area that I do and having such a lousy web connection are not helpful for me. So, I decided for my next recap that I would revisit an anime that is rife with technical problems.

That's right, it's time to revisit Den Tech City; a place that would make Google Plus seem like it was well thought out in design. Mega Man NT Warrior is still proving to be quite a goldmine for recaps. In our last episode: we had a slightly more plausible situation of traffic lights being hacked and a new character that could compete with Honey Boo Boo in terms of utter vapidity and spoiled behavior. She's still proving to be a royal pain even when she doesn't have bladder problems. So, let's open up "Count to Three." I only wish that the Count could help make this anime better, as it's still a prime example of Mega Man's perpetual unluckiness in animation.

We get our usual intro of Lan comparing the year 200X to living in a video game. With all the technical problems that time period has, he must be on Xbox One. Also,  Mega Man being in the new Super Smash Bros. means he will be joining my regular rotation in an instant. (As in, not Street Fighter X Tekken using the version from the original box art that looks like a guy who didn't have money for the good Power Rangers costumes shambling in front of a theme park attraction that appears to have been designed by Roger Dean, who painted the album covers for Yes). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Tdu4uKSZ3M&feature=kp


Then, we get our usual noisy, ugly, neon-filled theme song. I instead offer the multiple-Emmy award winning Daft Punk, with their hit single "Get Lucky".

 We open on a Net Battle, where Number Man is stalking another battler for rare battle chips. You'll have to forgive me for not remembering the opponent's name; I've put a lot more energy into studying for finals than I have this. 

Number Man then rolls the dice to attack his opponent, and apparently the power is linked to the number on the dice. So, he just used the Skull Dice card. Yet; I don't find his master as entertaining as Joey Wheeler; for many reasons which I'm about to get into.

We see the controller of the Net Navi; with the reflection of the Battle Chip on his glasses. This is supposed to be intimidating. I personally think bidding on scalped Wii U systems on eBay would be more entertaining to watch.

A successful snipe bid! Now onto that Mega Man Zero Figuarts!

We then cut to Lan whining about being late to school yet again. While I'm not a big fan of being late either; I'm even less a fan of Lan behaving this way. Mega Man even points out that it's his fault for Net Battling. I can still make the bus even if I get minimal amounts of rest for training my backups in Pokémon X and Y. Sometimes, I don't end up sleeping at all. I personally think Lan is worse at multitasking than Jaden Yuki, and he almost missed his duel exam because of staying up till 4AM watching videos on how to build a pancake helicopter.

 Naturally, he crashes into our villain and knocks over all his battle chips. I know this is written with a younger audience in mind; but I think even children have some sense of cohesive storytelling.

I had to sell a lot of Spider-Man comics and my mint condition USS Voyager to pay for these!

The villain berates Lan further for messing up the battle chips, given their value for rare ones. Well, with yet another eBay check, I can confirm that most of them go for about $5 a pop  for a lot, and there are seldom listings classified as uncommon, let alone rare. I can buy several other things I would be happier with for that money.

Oh look! It's not often you see the stupidest thing you've ever seen!

Of course, the teacher with the Princess Leia hair buns berates Lan for being late almost every day.

The class even indulges in the obligatory Charlie Brown laughter at Lan. I am so glad that Light Yagami put more stock in his education as well as his conquest. 

Deserved.

The guest speaker is also late, and it's a villain that is every bit as obvious as this universe's rendition of Dr. Wily as the Monarch from Venture Brothers.

The man, Mr. Higgsby, is assigned to give a lecture on computer viruses. Apart from how he dresses like a schlubby Agent Smith; I must once again reiterate that while learning how to protect against computer viruses is important; these kids are in elementary school. While I certainly knew about computer viruses then, I didn't actively take part in preventing their damage till I came of age and had a computer of my own. Given how much trouble Den Tech City gets into despite this, I put more stock in the Tandy Computer Wiz Kids. 

Anyway, Mr. Higgs Boson gives his lecture; which then devolves into a rant about rare battle chips and their power. This is downright daffy. Apart from being a more blatant product plug than Cheat Commandos, this is one instance where the scary shiny glasses ends up being unintentionally hilarious.http://www.homestarrunner.com/cheatcommando.html

Buy all our playsets and toys!

Seriously, the rant just gets more and more silly by the moment. It's supposed to be intimidating. I personally think Mr. Diggersby here looks about as threatening as Justin Bieber's mugshot.

I will mock his sad attempts at rebelliousness, but I will not justify his music.

The ranting attracts the attention of the gardener; who appears to have gotten lost on the way to the Leaf Village. Once again, it's not that I'm not trying to learn her name; it's just that if it's not said, I can't. Therefore, she will be referred to as the great prophet Whatsername until further notice. I will be looking her up and any other information pertaining to this series on Mega Man wiki for future recaps.

We cut to Yai's backyard, and she has a treehouse for everyone to hang out in. Even if the character leaves much to be desired; I think every child should have a treehouse of some kind.

Even though the place has a gourmet kitchen with a stocked fridge and range, it takes more to impress Dax than that. And I thought Porkins would like having a supply of Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew Voltage for marathons of Titanfall. (Note: Now that Titanfall has been released, that is a title I would consider getting an Xbox One for apart from Killer Instinct being packed in, with the DLC for my favorite characters out. The idea of a mecha game to fill the void left by Steel Battalion and Mech Warrior is thrilling to me, and even though Xbox Live is required; I gather the amount of online features and ease of use with the service is well worth the $60 a year.).

As if that's not enough, she presses a button that essentially turns the place into their own little command center. Floating head in a time warp and eccentric robot helper not included.


It does, however, have a holodeck of sorts to communicate with Mega Man, Guts Man, and the other Net Navis. While I am skeptical of the idea of virtual reality being resurrected in the form of the Oculus Rift; I would be ecstatic if there was a holodeck in our lifetime like many people are trying to work on. I just hope they fix those problems with the simulations going awry.

Glide is in control of the system as a sort of battle butler; keeping watch over everything. Personally, I'd feel safer with JARVIS in control. At least he's programmed with a sense of levity to match his service of genius billionaire playboy philanthropist Tony Stark. I plan to watch more of the Iron Man anime; but first I have one more recap I want to do of this before I decide on what to do next.

So, Yai and Lan decide to have a Net Battle to practice with some new battle chips; which of course, her dad bought for her. Somehow, I don't think Ayano Tech is appropriating their resources that well, as I shall explain further in the recap.

Number Man then makes a crack in the system as May Lu and Dax plug in. The background is apparently a bunch of sunflower seeds amongst a void of splattered paint. To think people say Bleach has lousy background design.

Ceiling Number Man is watching you plug in.

Yet, Mr. Jigglypuff still has his sights on the rare Battle Chips, which are in Yai's hands. I wonder what else he does to get those. Sell information to other hackers outside his apartment's doorstep?


The next day, Mr. Boss Hog goes to the homeroom teacher with the Leia buns about a more long-term stay. The faculty on Nichijou wasn't this dysfunctional; and I think I will need to watch more of that before I do the next recap of this.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Lan is once again late, this time to help with the school paper. Another case of how this anime and this iteration of Mega Man, while quite prescient about the idea of online gaming (the Net Navis seem reminiscent of Nintendo's Miis or Microsoft's Avatars); they were definitely caught by surprise of the rise of digital file transfers. Nowadays, Lan could write his contribution up in Open Office and the school would probably just edit any grammatical errors before going to press. Of course; he passes by the fish merchant; who chastises Lan for his forgetfulness that could be remedied with more fish. Yet, I think even the Swedish Chef was more convincing in his recipes and advice.


 

Just as well, as Dax, May Lu, Yai, and the teacher are locked in the classroom by Number Man. Another reason why I don't think making everything computer-connected is a good idea: what sane person would make all the doors and windows in an entire school campus electronic? My school email is so badly programmed that I ask my teachers to contact me on my personal email. When it became required for wi-fi login, the backlash was immediate and immense throughout the campus; not helped by Google Plus also being needed. Short of plugging your email into the base of your spine; I defy any way for Google to get more invasive.
 

 

 

The animation is still utterly abysmal for its time; now adding the cardinal sin of the facial expressions matching the voice acting in terms of dull surprise.

DULL SURPRISE!

When Dax tries to object to being held hostage, Number Man then activates the sprinklers. Now that's just wasteful. What if there was another fire in an electric range?

Yai is then challenged to a Net Battle for her Battle Chips. She is in as much disbelief as I am right now.

Layla! Darling, won't you ease my worried mind?

Even when she objects, Number Man just continues prattling on like the M5 Titan on valium.

This unit must survive.

Despite Yai's lack of battle experience, she is confident in her battle chips, as well as her expensive security system's reliability. That's interesting, because security software can be had that's just as good if not better for nothing; as most antivirus providers offer free version of their software, and malware and phishing protection come standard on most browsers nowadays. This is just becoming a bigger unintentional period piece with each episode, isn't it?

Yai just continues to act more and more indignant about the situation. Well, I just hope she doesn't have to use the bathroom like last time.

Shirley Temple, she is not.

She activates the cyber sword on Glide to lead.

Not as clumsy or random as a blaster, an elegant weapon of a more civilized age.

Naturally, she played right into Number Man's hands. Number Man then rolls his die again.

A two?! Well, at least your attack is halved!

Mega Man then enters the space to take on Number Man.

Mr. Biggles then chastises Mega Man and Lan for interfering, saying the test was for Yai alone. Then, why did you trap everyone in the room? For that matter, what's going on with the other students and faculty you trapped in their classrooms?

It turns out he's blocked Mega Man with a firewall, and the passwords are tied to-are you ready for this? The numbers of key items around the school.

I mean, apart from putting the school security in something that cryptic; the idea is downright nonsensical! What school administration would make their passwords like that? I know a password is meant to be something someone wouldn't be able to guess right away; but the school should still be able to have access with passwords that make sense from a security standpoint!

The first password is the number of doves in the school birdcage. ... Apart from that being an asinine choice for a password in itself, of course, the teacher doesn't know it.

Then, Mr. Piggly-Wiggly gives a terrible random Elvis impression. Better ones include Etemon in Digimon Adventure, Starmon in Digimon Fusion; and my personal favorite, the eponymous Bobo-bo Bobobo-bo, voiced by none other than RIchard Epcar, best known outside anime voice acting as Goldar from Power Rangers.

Lan then tries to count the doves, and loses count once they fly. ... Six! There are six doves in the cage! This isn't just my bad screencap, the shot is actually framed this way! It is a wonder how Brad Swaile once voiced a kid who can barely count to six before he became a man who is by far one of the most cunning villain protagonists in anime, and quite possibly in fiction!

The next password is tied to the amount of flowers planted on the school grounds. I could be watching Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood right now instead of this. I think I will indulge myself with that after I'm done, before I tackle the next one. I may need to rethink my plans for my next choice, as this situation is melting my brain.

With a roll of the dice at three; Glide is down. This is supposed to be intense, but I think this is as cheesy as a Starship video. 

Lan continues to count the flowers until he has a nervous breakdown. It is here I must point out that I have a low tolerance for characters who complain constantly when they are in a situation that isn't sound justification for their angst. There is no inherent reason for Lan to behave like this when he has a home and friends that care for him very much. Having been used to heroes with way more to overcome in their backgrounds (Shinji Ikari, Simon Giha, and now Ryuko Matoi; among others); Lan will receive no sympathy from me. Characters I witness have to earn it, and they can't do that without any redeeming qualities to endear them to the audience.

Then, the gardener Whatsername just gives him the number of flowers. Was this so hard? Perhaps you could have also asked the groundskeeper, if the school has one, about the right number of doves! Whatever the case, Lan now has what he needs to crack the firewalls and crack Number Man.

Now, Mega Man has Number Man at his blade, ready to force him to log out.

Angel, angel, what have I done? I've faced the quakes, the winds, the fire, I've conquered country crown and throne, why can't I cross this river?

The teacher then berates Mr. Bixby for what he's done, and says he could easily be arrested for this. Last I checked, computer-related crimes were federal offenses, meaning he'd probably get a very nice white-collar setup like the guys that crashed Enron.

Then, he starts flashing back to his first battle chip that he had as a child. Once again, you'll have to forgive me for my unfamiliarity with the Battle Network series. Most of my fandom comes from the classic series, the X series, and the Zero series; so I can't really work up a connection with this, even if I had seen it when I was younger.

Yet, he just starts pleading to be forgiven for his cyberterrorism. I think he's about as valid as Kimura from Azumanga Daioh, and he's INTENTIONALLY funny!

 Naturally we end back where we started, with Lan crashing into Mr. Wigglytuff at school. I know stock footage tends to be reused quite a bit, but it still proves how incredibly lacking the animation was compared to its contemporaries. Even though it made use of the same animation technology as its companions on Kids WB at the time, whereas Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh managed to take the wares given to them and bring all the locations and creatures of their franchises to life; Mega Man NT Warrior turned its accompanying games very sleek locations and characters into a garish mess that moved notably worse than their game representations.

He has opened a chip shop, as displayed in the same arial font I type with on my blog. Now I'm certain that he's probably going to start laundering money out of there.

To put the final icing on this turd, Mega Man then informs Lan that it's Saturday. Time to go back home, take off your shoes, make yourself something to eat; and go watch a better anime!



"Count to Three" is so hilariously bad that it continues the trend set by Mega Man NT Warrior as how it's a bigger technological trainwreck than Windows Vista! Especially given how the internet has not only made the anime fandom much more prominent in their like of the medium and ease of giving it good-natured ribbings in the tradition of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Riffrax. If only Mr. Iggy Koopa knew his scheme would amount to nothing in 12 years, since the internet has become enraptured with such inexplicably popular fads such as "What Does the Fox Say" and Pokémon Twitch; both things people won't shut up about no matter how many times I tell them I don't give a care! Next time is another NT Warrior recap, that's even sillier! Don't miss it!