Recap: Garzey's Wing

Hello everyone. Well, this has been on the slate for a while; and with my final year of this blog winding down, I knew I would have to do this anime. This one is as infamously-bad as its reputation suggests, but it's also hilarious in how terrible it is. So, it's the kind of trainwreck I live for. Let's open up "Garzey's Wing," with the awkward subtitle "From the Byston Well Story!"

A couple things before I get started: I have not read the Byston Well story, so I will be taking this anime on its own; and from what I can gather, it doesn't make much more sense even if you have. I will also be doing all parts of this OVA in one post; just to get it over with quickly. Kind of like ripping off a bandage before jumping into the pool, so let's get started.

Right off the bat, we get exposition that's as subtle as a sledgehammer to the groin; and it persists throughout the entire runtime of this OVA. Apparently, some guy named "Chris" is about to go to a high school reunion party with some friends; and he's failed his college entrance exam. Disregarding my own experiences over the years, the voice acting is almost like if Tommy Wiseau tried his hand at dubbing anime.

"They betrayed me, they didn't keep their promise: they tricked me and I don't care anymore!"

So our lead, whose name is Christopher by the way; goes to a place called the "Shiritori Shrine" (yes, really) before he's raptured out of his clothes and his body by the essence of a giant swan. No, the anime doesn't explain this; and what it does explain makes no sense. This is one of the reasons why this is so hilariously bad, and why doing a direct translation isn't always as great as it sounds: what makes sense in one language doesn't always in another. In this case, however, you could air this in Dothraki and it wouldn't make any sense either.

From what I can gather, the swan is the titular "Garzey's Wing," and before Christopher or the viewer are given a chance to acclimate, he's dropped into a battle over some plant called a "Baraju tree." Conveniently, Chris' surname is "Chiaki," though his American/Japanese nationality doesn't affect the plot or his character at all. You could basically put an IKEA desk lamp in his stead and the story wouldn't be that different.

So, it turns out the "Garzey's Wing" is only partially the swan; and is supposedly a warrior that will help lead the oppressed people to victory. As I just said, you'd have better results from an IKEA desk lamp. The subsequent voyage on a raft has to be one of the most hilariously inept attempts at animation I've seen, since the dialogue never syncs up at all and it never results in a cohesive visual.

A general named Zagazoa also confers with King Fungun over dinner; who has become in just under eight minutes, has become every bit as befuddled as King Harkinan from the infamous Zelda CDi games.

It also turns out that their forces are much better at archery than flying discount fell beasts; but the visuals are murky and the editing is incoherent either way. I must also note that the fairy, or "ferario" as the anime calls her (yes, really) is making me yearn for the more quiet dignity of Navi chirping "Hey Listen" over and over. It also casually exposition dumps the fact that everyone in Byston Well is telepathic just because they can.

The film's incoherence also extends to the fact that Chris Chiaki and his counterpart in Byston Well just jump back and forth randomly; especially in how awkwardly he talks to his folks back at home.

Back in Byston Well, it turns out that everyone has been preparing booze and "medicinal herbs" to fight for their homeland. OK, you all knew this was coming.

Also, for some reason; whenever he's injured in Byston Well; Chris is also injured back on Earth. Yet, despite these obvious parallels, he still can't connect these dots. He also points out that his sword is dull. Just like your voice acting! I must also point out that dull blades hurt more than sharp ones, FYI.

He also reacts to the realization that he'll die in both worlds with the same enthusiasm that he would to finding out there's a sale at Penny's. Back at Byston Well, as "Lord Chris" prepares for battle; the Chris in Japan decides to just go to his reunion party. It's like they had two different ideas for this anime and decided to just use them both at once. Another thing that amused me is that some of the generals sound like the one from the South Park movie.

If it sounds like I've been jumping around for the past 19 minutes, that's because this anime is too. I may not be the biggest "isekai" fan or detractor, but this is honestly one of the biggest jokes of a story I've seen; given how Chris is able to use explosive "gata" flawlessly even though he was struggling in an earlier scene. Lines like "you were deluded by the light" from the enemy forces almost rival the likes of "Pyro will turn you to toast" for Engrish-infused word salad.

As the fairy (I'm not using their name for it) keeps hounding everyone, Chris remarks that "someone should make this little creature shut up!" That I can agree with, and I'm just getting started.

The enemy has kerosene somehow, let me check when it was invented one moment. ... Google says that it was invented in 1846, and these scenes in Byston Well appear to be set centuries before that. Apart from that, with the help of Garzey's Wing, Chris is able to drive away Zagazoa and what's left of his army; which leads us into the second part, which shows Chris trying and failing to ride a horse. Of course: heaven forbid we have a fish out of water fantasy story that doesn't include a scene like that! Even Bilbo and Frodo knew how to ride ponies!

Zagazoa is also preparing for his next attack against the "Metomeus" tribe to find the Baraju tree. It's also mentioned the fell beast knockoffs I mentioned before were also part of the "war beast army corps." Just as well that I'm kind of speeding through this, since close to most of the dialogue is pure exposition, with the rest being just made-up nonsense like believing they could win just because the story takes place during a leap year, which the release date of 1993 was assuredly not. Maybe it was in the story; but since they never identify what year Byston Well is set in this anime, it's just waffle.

Now they're trying to find a way for Chris to become Garzey's Wing at will, and the fairy dismisses the other ladies nearby as "nasty." You walked into this one, fellas.

Everyone is then ambushed by more war beasts, who resemble Ridley; but chalk white, and they're quickly dispatched and used as enhancements for the "gata" weapons. Honestly, it's like this anime is actively trying to kill any tension rather than stoke it.

Back in Japan, Chris finally is able to attend his class reunion; and it's actually the best scene in this bilge. It's only a few moments, but it's more interesting than just taking the time to explain how a fuse works. I can only wait for when they explain how water gets things wet when it rains! Bottom line: they made some fuses out of rope and gata, and everyone moves out from their base camp. When Zagazoa catches wind of this, I feel like I've watched the extended cuts of the Lord of the Rings when I'm barely halfway through this.

Once again, the dialogue in the strategy to head off their armies proves that directly translating the original script isn't always good when it just sounds like random nonsense when it's said out loud. Even though it may be something I usually appreciate, sometimes getting across the spirit is better than always going for the letter of the original dub. Still, I've read D&D fanfics that make more sense than this.

Even as more war beasts attack the Metomeus' army, they are among some of the most dull creatures I've seen in all my time doing this blog. The colors seem to consist of pale blue, chalk white, faded brown, a kind of yellowish-green or a sort of Pizza Hut tomato sauce red; and the designs are so generic and uninspired that once again, Chris' reunion party back on Earth is a more visually-interesting scene. The beasts eating each other in the marshlands is less of a visceral thrill than a bunch of young adults hanging by the pool. When I find myself more invested in Christopher's classmates than fighting a big hydra; you know you've dropped the ball.

Garzey's Wing again appears from Chris' boots like a discount Hermes, and though he isn't able to defeat Zagazoa, he is able to drive him away for the time being. You know, if the story was more focused and there were better production values and voice acting; maybe this would be better. I'm not saying it would be good, but it would at least be tolerable rather than the infamous slog it wound up being. Instead, it became one of the most hilariously-bad works of its kind ever, yet the pool party is actually something that I'd much rather see more of than the crap fantasy stuff. There's high fantasy, and low fantasy, then there's this crap fantasy. (sighs) Seven more minutes, Steven, let's get it on.

After a strategy meeting back in Byston Well, a really confusing chase/fight happens that results in the fairy, who I'm officially going to start referring to as Celeste for lack of an official name is taken by bandits. The battle continues into the final act of this trash, so let's finish this.

While Garzey's Wing is conveniently unavailable, back in Japan, Chris is now sick in bed as Celeste tries to elude the bandits. That is just one line yet again, and it took this anime much longer to convey the same information. It's like a single 3-episode OVA feels like it takes 3 years to get through, and I'm doing it in just under 7 hours! I am leaving this behind as a real killer of terrible anime, so much that another exposition dump about arrows with gata on the tip doesn't bother me at all!

Bottom line, everyone is preparing for the final battle for the Baraju tree; though this is definitely no Helm's Deep. Celeste goes to scout for a vantage point, gets spooked by a couple war beasts; and the bandits find her again! Rather than just skoosh her like a bug, they grab her legs to try to pull her about, but she's able to slip out of her shoes and fly away! Then, all of a sudden, it turns out that Rumiko also has a connection to Byston Well! Screw it: this is almost over, I'll manage.

Despite Chris' claims "the battle will be starting soon," there's still more doddering in exposition before the war beasts take the field! Yet, despite just 13 minutes ago being almost useless without Garzey's Wing, now Chris can cut through the enemy forces like nothing! Another case of inconsistent power level is nothing compared to what comes next.

So, I guess by mastering his chi, Chris is able to defeat the enemy generals with "the help of his friends," but mostly with Garzey's Wing. To top it off, the search for the Baraju tree isn't even completed in Byston Well, but in Japan. Though, this does thankfully end with their kingdom saved and Chris riding off on his motorbike with his girlfriend; which counts for something.

This was every bit as awful as you have heard; but it's also hilarious, as the likes of commentators such as Digibro can attest. It's a spectacular failure of a fantasy work, but under the right circumstances and levels of sobriety, it makes a fantastic unintentional comedy. It is indeed the worst thing Yoshiyuki Tomino (Mobile Suit Gundam) has ever done, but "Garzey's Wing" is definitely one of the rare anime that must be seen to be believed in how godawful and hilarious it is. I knew I could only do it when I got this far, so it's perfect to help close out 2018 and my blog overall. I just have one more thing I want to do before this year ends and I post my finale, so don't go anywhere!