Recap: MARS of Destruction

Hello everyone. Well, here's another hilarously-terrible anime that I've been itching to do for a while. It's definitely worthy of its reputation, and from every conceivable aspect; it's definitely great fodder for riffing if you have a strong enough constitution. So, let's open up "MARS of Destruction!"

We open on some pretty fake looks at space, with chatter between two explorers saying they want to get drunk when they get back to Earth. To be fair, that's actually not a bad mindset to hold for viewing this anime. I personally don't endorse or encourage that mindset; but I do submit that it's much easier to view this anime while drunk or otherwise intoxicated than sober. It won't improve the quality, but it will at least soften the blow.

So, the explorers’ spacecraft spontaneously combusts; and we cut to months later in Tokyo with strange events happening. This prequel to Interstellar is kind of underwhelming, all things considered.


The animation is not terribly impressive, as three “Ancients” confront a trio of armed women; who call for reinforcements even though it’s arguably even odds. It’s not even clear the miscounting is intentional at first: the editing and shot composition are that bad. I’ve seen fan works that have better continuity of animation than this.



As the Ancients explode someone’s head; we get a flaccid gunfight interrupted by someone in glowing armor named Takeru. Would you believe that we’re only four minutes in and it feels like four years?

Takeru, despite some stiff animation; is able to kill the Ancients with minimal effort! “You know, it really creates a lot of tension when the enemy forces are totally ineffective!”

Just like that, we’re in a hospital where more people have apparently died of their injuries. Bad news, I once again have no idea what is happening to who or why. Good news, I don’t care!

It also turns out that the “MARS” is also the armor Takeru was wearing, though as for why it looks like Blue Beetle cosplaying as Gearfried the Iron Knight; your guess is as good as mine.

Takeru also apparently had the MARS forced on him by his father. It’s like they were trying to make Evangelion on a budget of $20, some paper clips and a Subway coupon.

Now they’re talking about taking the remains of the Ancients to America. It’s actually incredible how a 19-minute OVA feels like watching an entire channel of Avengers Endgame fan theories. The crap animation quality and elevator music is its own category of pure garbage.

Apparently, they’re all part of the Anti-Ancient Special Team, which is yet more blatant exposition that somehow tells me nothing about what is going on. This is like the After Last Season of anime, only a bit funnier.

After that, the AAST is transporting the remains of ship on a foggy night with no one around. If this suddenly turned into Silent Hill, I would be more onboard.


We’re barely halfway through this and I just now found out our leads are named Aoi and Yamabuki. Christmas, this really IS like the anime version of After Last Season! Even this car crash is so badly done that I could get more out of knocking my old Hot Wheels collection together.

Get this: at the 10 minute mark, Takeru is put through a cross in his underwear to don the MARS as orchestral music plays. They want to be EVA so bad, don’t they?

Despite the best efforts of the music and the animators, it still sounds worse than my old Super Nintendo games; and moves with all the kinetic energy and thrill of someone filing their taxes.

One of the "Ancients" breaks Takeru's arm, and the scene is scored with the "Barber of Seville." Look, just because you can score something with a classical standard, doesn't mean you should. They're trying to be EVA, instead they're bringing to mind Bugs Bunny; both things I'd rather be watching right now.

Also: want to animate a fight scene but don't know how? Just have the sound of a character getting hit and throw them against a car! Surely no one will notice!

The "plasma gun" apparently doesn't work on this Ancient, though the animation made it look like they were firing live ammo. Weird, because I always thought lasers were easier to draw than bullets. One of the soldiers, who we just now find out is named "Tomoe" is thrown by her leg in the stiffest way possible as the Ancient grabs another soldier by the neck. Takeru is then told by Shizuka that there's something else they can use that hasn't been tested yet. Of course: gotta go through all the cliches, don't we?

Furthering this is how the prototype plasma rifle only has one shot. What could possibly go wrong?
Rather, what could possibly go right?

Surprise surprise! Takeru successfully shoots the Ancient in the ribcage and rescues his squadmate before she's strangled to death. That was fittingly anticlimactic, but whatever ends this is fine with me.

Suddenly, we're at a research firm in America where the scientists hear our hero had "an awful trip from Tokyo." Watching this OVA, I can see why.

So, we close on the firm determining that the Ancients were actually humans from Mars; and they were initially wiped out by a virus as part of an opening for more stories. ... HA! They thought they were going to make more of these! That's actually kind of cute!

"MARS of Destruction" is a terrible OVA, but it's a special kind of ineptitude that takes itself so deadly serious that it's actually hilarious for all the wrong reasons. It's the kind of anime that Princess Robot Bubblegum makes fun of in the GTA series, filled with every kind of glaring flaw that I have dealt with in my days. The voice acting seems like the whole cast is on Sominex. the story makes Jupiter Ascending seem far more logical by comparison; and the animation is like a Kirkland brand version of Evangelion. This is one of three I wanted to do before the end of the year, and I have my finale ready to go before the clock strikes midnight. One down: two to go. See you, space cowboy.